Thursday, April 29, 2010


I know this is an early post, but I had to tell you before I forgot.  Also, a quick side note, I am fasting today and tomorrow...I have no reason for it other than that I am fat and weigh the same as I did yesterday, which obviously will not do.

I had a terrifying nightmare last night, and I blame the chocolate covered graham crackers that I ate before going to bed.  Sugar has a tendency to yield messed up dreams.

I dreamt that I was really skinny because of not eating (my goal obviously), and I had a lot of heart problems.  I was starting to get heart attacks or go into cardiac arrest, and the nurse at school (as if I were still in high school) and teachers were watching me to make sure I didn't need to go to the hospital.  I passed out a lot, and my chest hurt.  There was a little bump where my heart is and it was so tender to the touch and throbbed.  I keep feeling it now, afraid it will hurt if I touch it still.  But I remember feeling my heart stop, the world fading to black, me inwardly screaming and trying to reopen my eyes...I was rushed to the emergency room and wanted to yell at the doctors to stop shocking me because I could feel the electricity shooting through my body.  It was like an out of body experience within a dream, and it hurt so much.  Most of my dream remains hazy, and it mainly consisted of me walking around, going into shock, and almost dying repeatedly.  It was really strange, and I was truly terrified the whole time.  When I woke up, I was in a state of shock.

Now I'm okay, fasting, and still clearly trying to lose weight.  It's kind of scary how even the version of me in my dream refused to give up her unhealthy dieting when on the verge of death...maybe this is my future.  I know it's bleak, but I'm not happy now so does it even matter?  I look in the mirror and almost cry because I look so heinous.  It's hard trying to live when I look the way I do, and most of the time I struggle to even find the will.  I like to think that once I lose weight, I'll finally be happy, but I know that's just a lie that I tell myself.  Still, it's the only hope I have.

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