Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I've been really confused about things lately.  On one hand, I'm happy because there isn't too much drama going on in my life...although there never is since I just bring problems upon myself, but on the other hand, I feel as though I want to be as miserable as possible because that's how I'm most comfortable.  I think once you're used to a certain feeling, you just don't feel right when it's not there, and for me, a depression of sorts is part of who I am and without it, I'm lost.  Yet, at the same time, the dark thoughts and endless brooding terrifies me because I worry that eventually I'll snap and *poof* I'm dead.  Most of the time I don't care, but then there's times when I watch people around me and wish I could feel like them...but I don't know how that would be or what exactly I'm missing.  I just know I'm missing something.  I'm too confused to write and lacking all inspiration so I'll update better later.

Monday, January 3, 2011


It's been killing me lately to watch my little brother.  He's in high school and going through all the typical drama of cliques, dumb friends, petty fights, the works, and I hate seeing him so upset all the time.  I stayed home or New Years and watched movies with him, which was relaxing, but I could tell he was disappointed that his plans fell through.  He feels like no one likes him and is never invited to parties, but from my perspective, he has a good group of friends and seems pretty social.  But the problem is that it doesn't matter what I tell him or what the reality is because it's really what's going on in his mind that counts.

I wanted to tell him that people are stupid and selfish, and that's why I don't have any close friends (but he doesn't know that).  People never fail to disappoint me, which is why I just assume plans are going to fall through whenever I make's the only way to never be disappointed.  But expecting failure and assuming friendships are always going to end isn't a philosophy that he should have, so I refrained from stating my true opinion.  Instead, I told him that you never know that people like you because we [people] don't go around telling people that they're fun to be with.  People just don't really give compliments like that; you usually only know when someone really doesn't like you.  I tried to explain that he wasn't uninvited from a party, but people, especially in high school, don't invite each person personally.  It's generally a word of mouth kind of thing, and people tend to assume that you will come even if they don't tell you.  That was my experience because when I frequently wouldn't show up they would ask me why I wasn't there, even if I would have just stood there quietly brooding the whole time...but that's why my mom refers to me as a "window treatment."  I've been reduced to something nice to look at as supposed to actually converse with...lovely.

Anyway, I just wish he didn't have to go through these things.  I used to, and it hardened me into a jaded, antisocial, acquaintance only individual, which is probably not the way to go through life.  I want him to stay happy, carefree, and most importantly, the little brother I know.  I've already lost my innocence; does he have to, too?