Okay, so I've noticed something. If I am the same weight for several days, I feel absolutely, positively, undeniably disgusting! I've kind of known for a long time now that there is no weight at which I will be happy. This isn't about losing weight really, and ultimately, no amount of weight lost will cure me. Whether I'm a size double zero or a size eight, it will never be enough. I feel as though my fat is literally dripping off my body all around me, and I can't stand it.
Fortunately, my three week fast starts tomorrow, and I am gearing up for it and ready to go. I will be drinking vast amounts of water, diet pop, and black coffee, and will likely be engaged in excessive gum chewing, as well. My first hurdle that will be difficult to overcome is my smoking date I have tomorrow. Apparently, a few of my friends are getting together to smoke, watch the discovery show "Life" (which is narrated by Oprah?), and have a grand ole time. Naturally, people tend to get the so-called "munchies" when high, but it's all in their head and I refuse to allow myself to participate in the snacking expedition. However, last time I didn't get the munchies, so hopefully I will be fine. I will be sure to have lots of gum with me. I mean, seriously, I can't fail the fast on the first day. Of course, if I do, then I'll just pick up again the next day and tag on an extra day at the end, but that shouldn't be necessary. I will be strong! Wish me luck, and I will let you lovely people know tomorrow how I am doing!!!!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
I hope you like some of the changes I made to the layout of the blog. I will probably add some more music and pictures, but I also added the bmi calculator, some links to good exercises, my ticker, and a funny little gadget on the bottom of the site. Also, in case you were curious, I have to get down to 121 lbs in order to have a bmi less than 19%. So naturally, that is my next goal, and I will be reaching it. I am looking forward to the post upon which I can finally claim to be officially underweight...it will be before summer so just hang tight. I am determined.
Now, I took laxatives for the first time last night...or rather, for the first time without actually needing relief for constipation. I won't get in depth because truly no one wants to read about my bowel movements, and I, equally, don't really want to write about them with any detail. However, let me just say that last night I didn't think they worked...um, I was wrong. They're just a bit delayed. I could see how people say they're addicting, though, because it definitely does make you feel a lot less bloated and much cleaner. But I would advise only taking them the night before a day of nothing because being near a bathroom is crucial.
I am still planning on the very long fast starting on Sunday. This is going to be interesting, and honestly, I have very low expectations of my success. Obviously that is a horrible way to start, so I am working on getting myself motivated and more positive. If I look at it from a logical perspective, I would see that 1) it will not kill me and 2) I would lose a lot of weight, then it should be no big deal. In fact, my body should be grateful for not being loaded down with fatty food. Encouragement much appreciated, people!
Posted by xoxoana at 9:02 PM
Thursday, April 8, 2010
My roommate is starting weight watchers. She's done it before, and she says she can be very motivated when she gets into it. It's funny some of the things she says that I just have to nod and smile and pretend to understand. For example, she mentioned how she knows people aren't supposed to weight themselves every day but more like once a week...say what?! And she said that she knows people don't lose a pound in a day but water weight makes you fluctuate, etc. etc. Uh-huh.
It's weird hearing someone who has a normal mindset and eating habits because that's when I notice how odd some of the things I do really are. I weigh myself at least once a day (usually more) because even water weight matters to me. And I have once lost 4 lbs in a day, leading ultimately to 10 lbs in a week...that was last week actually. Apparently, a lot of people think losing 5 or 10 lbs is good, but I won't be happy until I lose around 45 because that would put me under 100. My ultimate goal is to weight 99 lbs, after all. I'm not sure what it is about that number; there's something special and satisfying about double digits. Before summer, I would like my bmi to be less than 19 because that means "underweight." It's my dream. I will have to do a bit of research to find out that exact number and will let you know tomorrow...not that you really care haha
Also, I am starting a fast on April 11th that is supposed to last until May 1st, I believe. I've never done a fast longer than 4 days, so this will be very interesting. Of course, I have learned recently that drinking lots of water makes not eating much easier. If anyone would like to join, feel free to let me know! I'll give more information tomorrow, but I don't want to write another epically long post like mine yesterday...
Posted by xoxoana at 9:57 PM
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I wanted to apologize for not having posted in, for me, what feels like such a long time. In reality, it has only been three days. I am not so self important that I feel people care enough to feel deprived from my lack of posting, but I post nearly everyday and have a routine to keep up. However, the recent events and sudden tragedy has shaken up my routine quite a bit. I came home for the funeral last night and did not think to bring my laptop with me, so here I am still in my parents' house on their computer while they are in bed. It is much more difficult to post on someone else's computer as I have to delete the history afterwards, type alone, yadda yadda. But for any readers out there, this is for you.
I did not eat well today because the funeral was this morning, and chocolate was sort of required to fix my pain. I held up strong all throughout the service and played my flute for the ceremony; it gave me something to do to distract me, which was very needed. But as soon as the congregation processed out of the church and the song was over, I broke down. My eyes were blinded by tears, I couldn't hear the movement of the choir around me, and I only vaguely remember the pats on my back and hugs from the adults. Two of the women cried and gave me hugs, thanking me repeatedly for playing such beautiful music, but I felt like I was in such a daze that I didn't really pay attention.
It's weird when you look around and most of the people you see are your age...young college students who laughed, partied, and studied (occasionally) all through grade school and even high school together. I went to private schools, so we were a very tight knit sort of group. And while it was nice to see people again, we shouldn't have seen each other dressed in black. Classmates shouldn't be going to funerals but weddings; it's just wrong. But I've already lost two friends to tragedy now, and both were ironically three days before a holiday (the last was three days before Christmas). My first friend who died was a guy in high school two years my senior, and we were kind of in that pre dating stage. You know, when you're flirting, and would've been texting or calling each other, except when he asked for my number, I didn't have a cell phone. And cursing my bad luck again, when he asked me to the Christmas dance, I had already been asked the day before...perhaps God was looking out for me, trying to stop me from getting too close before his car made its way off the highway one night. I still cry sometimes, and that was five years ago.
But going to the viewing last night, I waited in line for over two hours just to see the mother and daughter. The whole time I was looking around for the parents of my old friend, but it was with dread and a horrible pit in my stomach that I realized why I couldn't find the father standing there tall amongst the crowd...he died. Both he and his youngest daughter had been killed, yet I, in my small scope of reality, couldn't grasp the fact. It's so difficult to comprehend such a tragedy, and I think the whole community is still in shock. The church was packed, and the aisles were filled with people standing because the seats were all taken. The two who died were possibly some of the greatest and most generous people the world has ever known. And I can't think of a single person who has ever spoken ill of them.
This is my tribute to their memory, free of my insignificant complaints of my own life.
Posted by xoxoana at 11:17 PM
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Aw, thanks, guys for your comments. Don't worry, I won't be dying yet anyway because I'm not in the danger zone. If I ever get there, you'll know and then you can worry. But until then, have no fear!
Today was a good day with the exception of me eating delicious meals and then purging on three separate occasions. So that makes five times in three days? My throat is really sore, and it's hard to swallow. But today was the only day that I actually ate much food, so I can continue my quest of not eating tomorrow without having gained any weight. In fact, I've lost weight since I've come home, which almost never happens. It's probably because I was depressed because of what happened on Thursday. The funeral is on Wednesday, so that is going to be an emotional day for me.
A strange thing happened to me a few minutes ago. As you know, my roommate got mad at me for being upset that a friend died and I personally found her anger at me to be completely irrational and uncalled for. And even though I explained to her as best I could that I was not, in fact, angry with her but frustrated with my situation, she was still upset. So when I got back to my college apartment, I waltzed in with a huge grin (pretending nothing happened to avoid awkward conversations as I usually do), raved about lava cakes, mentioned I would turn in our rent checks, and informed her I was going to bed. It was my usual self, just acting all chipper and cheery even though I totally wasn't. What did she do? NOTHING! Not a smile, not a word. She just looked at me. What is this? I thought for sure I could coax a smile. It's not like we even had a fight about anything in particular. Does anyone have any advice? I'm like a guy; I avoid any deep conversations at all times because I can't stand displaying emotions...And I'm being very self righteous about this predicament because I am in the firm belief that I am right for being upset and she is wrong for blaming me. (I can be very stubborn, but I would never have taken it personally like she did. In fact, I have told a depressed friend before in high school that if she needed someone to yell at sometime just to relieve her emotions to just let me know...)
Posted by xoxoana at 10:00 PM