Tuesday, June 8, 2010


No, you're not imagining things:  the ticker has moved to the right.  Okay, so I only dropped below 145lbs by less than half a pound, but still!  I can't believe it, and I am ecstatic.  I'm determined to get below 140 so that I can get a new swimsuit.  My first goal weight is 139, and I'm only 5 pounds away.  When I weighed myself a few minutes ago, I had just taken a shower and had a dinner that consisted of a 100 calorie salad and part of a cantaloupe.  Other than that, I've had some tic tacs, a bullion cube, and sugar free werthers, so today has been stellar.  I should be less than 200 calories total for the day or slightly above.

This is a quick post because I simply could not contain my excitement, especially after such a crappy night last night.  Fortunately, it's all over with and I am done with finals as well.  All in all, it's a good day...well, weight wise...can't say much for the other aspects of my life.  But does anything else matter anyway?!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Truly Alone

A few hours ago my roommate knocked on my door with "something important to talk to me about."  I had a sneaking suspicion what she was referring to, but I had no idea she had known for so long.  She wrote me a note, and I guess she just wanted to express her concern before she left for the summer.  Obviously she's worried about me living alone.  Hell, I'm scared myself.  But she said she wouldn't force me to do anything and has been researching how to deal with the issue.  I guess her research has paid off, though, because she was really understanding.

Anyway, a girl I've been texting (not Arii) didn't respond to my message earlier today, and when I sent one later to tell her how my roommate found out, her mom texted back instead.  She's a really nice woman, though, and wasn't really angry with me.  I told her I would delete the contact and was sorry.  And I stayed true to my words.  I told her to tell the girl I hoped she would get better and be happy.  The mom told me I should tell my own mom because it would break her heart if something happened to me.  This woman is lovely, and her touching words actually made me cry.  I can't stop.  I know she's right, but how do you tell a parent something like this?  At first, I felt completely alone and my heart stopped when I read that initial text, but her mom has given me some strength...isn't that weird how that can happen?  I thought she'd hate me.  It's refreshing to know that there are such kind people in the world.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


Thanks for the support, ladies.  I don’t know if you understand how much it means to me, but your comments are very dear to me.  I’m like a little child on Christmas morning every time I see there’s a comment.  My little brother is feeling a bit better, but I know it’s only a matter of time before something throws him back down.  I know there isn’t really anything I can do for him, and I can’t take away his pain.  I suppose for now I’ll just have to settle with being his sister.

Yesterday, I had less than 200 calories, yet I still feel guilty.  I guess because when I think about what I put in my mouth, it’s a very long list…just a list of low calorie to zero calorie things, like coffee, tea, diet pop, pickles, broccoli, gum, etc.  I even ate two marshmallows which I picked at for a very long time…they have no fat and are relatively low in calories.  Plus, I don’t like them all that much, and you can’t exactly binge on marshmallows.  At least, I can’t.  Today, I’m currently at work, procrastinating for finals, drinking a soy latte and slaughtering a green apple.  I’ve been using a plastic knife to scrape off the skin of half of it and then taking little nibbles of its flesh.  It’s been over an hour since I began my dissection, and almost the entire apple is still intact or simply skinned.  I’m sure, no, I’m positive, that I can stretch the life of this poor little guy for the next two hours of my shift.  It’s a great way to keep me occupied.  Perhaps, I should always just take a few apples at work and just start skinning them with the occasional small bite.  I tend to just eat and eat and eat at work because there’s nothing else to do, but this kills two birds with one stone.  Barely eat and have plenty to do!  Awesome.

I go home on Tuesday for a week or so since classes will be over, and I was just home last Tuesday morning for Memorial weekend.  I can’t believe how incredibly slow this week has been; it’s literally been dragging on forever!  I cannot wait to go home and check out this new brooding spot that has been occupying my mind endlessly over the past few days.  I am an epic brooder.  I will just sit and think by myself with soothing/depressing music for hours.  I really don’t need human interaction.  It’s overrated.  But I remembered my little spot randomly the other day.  It’s about a mile from my house hidden in these woods by the golf course.  A tiny little stream runs through it, and you can hike over some rocks to get there.  It’s pretty much in the middle of nowhere, and people don’t exactly stumble across the area on a regular basis.  I remember trekking through those woods many a time when I was little after tennis sometimes.  It would be a perfect place to go when I want to be myself.