Friday, February 4, 2011

F#%$! It

I work tomorrow, have to wear short sleeves, and just don't really care anymore.  Here's the thing:  I work with two other people, few customers will probably come on a Saturday morning, and who's going to ask awkward questions anyway?  Maybe no one will even notice, and I will have been worrying over nothing. The sleeves will cover most of my problems, but the scars start on my forearms.  Then again, who notices people's arms?  We'll see.  The whole freezing temperature thing still bothers me though...I get that I work inside but the doors are always opening, blasting me with cold air repeatedly.  Has my boss not looked outside recently?  Snow and ice everywhere.

Moving on.  I think I did okay on my exam last night, but I won't know for sure until grades are posted and I can see the average.  With chemistry, it's really just important to be above the average, so if average is 50 percent then it's okay if you failed.  A 60 percent would be considered pretty good in that case.  I studied so much, and I just hope it paid off.  I have a lot more studying to do tomorrow, which should distract me from food as usual.  I was so thrilled that I kept blacking out upon standing in lab today...I know that seems odd, but it gives me a sick satisfaction...that and my constant (actually somewhat painful) growling stomach.  I like that it's so empty.  I was so hungry that I couldn't even fathom eating so I had some soup around 6pm finally.  But then I binged on fat free ice cream, bringing my total to about 1500 calories for the day...and then I purged.  Rationally, I think I should be okay, and if I do well tomorrow then I shouldn't be set back too much.  I could tell my body was beginning to shut down a little on me from lack of nutrients because I couldn't focus on anything.  I'm frequently "fuzzy".

I'm going out Saturday night, I think, so hopefully I look decent and the new concealer and mascara I bought help with that.  I love my eyes because they're green, large, and complete with very long eyelashes, but they're plagued by really, really dark under eye circles that I have thanks to genetics and amplified by terrible sleeping habits.  My roommate tells me to stop looking dead, but I can't help it!  I guess I kind of look like the zombie form of someone who used to look pretty once upon a time...

Monday, January 31, 2011

Random thoughts

Fortunately, I'm not screwed yet, but I will be on Saturday.  The problem I have is that I focus on my upper  arms and forearms; I thought that was best initially because then I could wear 3/4 length sleeves and be okay(ish).  Who would have thought you'd be forced to wear short sleeves?  I mean, despite your good advice, bracelets and arm warmers won't help me...but thanks anyway!  My best bet is to hope that I don't get in trouble for wearing the long sleeves regardless.  We shall see.

I have a huge exam on Thursday that I'm nervous about, so I probably won't be posting again until after it's over.  I've had so much shit going on and so much homework, which is why my posts have been slacking and rather sporadic.  But the good thing is that while I've been busy, I've been forgetting to eat.  I almost never eat until after 2pm at the earliest, and tomorrow I probably won't eat until almost 6pm.  My appetite has been severely cut down, so obviously I've been losing weight, too.  I think being busy is good for me because I don't focus on food all the time; instead I'm constantly thinking about studying and my next cup of (black) coffee.  I'm hoping that by the end of the quarter I will have dropped another 15 pounds, but since I refuse to step on a scale, I really won't know for sure.  I just want my clothes to be too big!

Anyway, I have class at 7:30am tomorrow, and I'm hoping there will be a snow day.  We're supposed to get an ice storm tonight, so the first thing I'm going to do is check my email when I wake up.  How glorious would that be if I could roll over and go back to sleep?  It's be fucking phenomenal...pardon my language but I do love that phrase...alliteration or something...