Thursday, June 9, 2011


I think it's nearing that time of the month again because I've been bloated and bingeing.  For some reason, I always ALWAYS binge several times the week before I get my period.  Then, when I'm on my period, I have practically zero appetite.  In the end, I end up having a shitty fat week and then get back on track.  But I really wish that, for once, I wouldn't binge repeatedly.  It was my dad's birthday today so I had cake, steak, chips...need I say more?  I now have rolls.

Hopefully, I can turn this around and begin working out again tomorrow.  Also, I need to start sleeping...but I've been getting 6hours consistently every night, which isn't necessarily good for me.  Therefore, I'm going to inform you all that I had better eat less, exercise more, and finally sleep tomorrow so that in my next post I will have good news to tell you...


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Popping pills

Yesterday, after two days of consecutive bingeing, I had the genius idea to take 6 laxatives.  The recommended dose is 1-3 in a day, but after taking 4, I decided to pop 2 more...just in case.  I admit that I was mildly concerned for the aftereffects because one can't really predict when, and to what degree, the little pink tablets will take effect.  For me, my stomach began churning when I woke up in the morning.  I fortunately made it through church without too many problems (though with great discomfort), and I managed to make it to my private bathroom in time when I got home.  They worked wonders, but my god, do they slaughter your stomach sometimes!  Painful.  Not overwhelmingly so by any means, but my legs felt numb for a while.

I'm still suffering enduring the effects now after a several hour long hiatus, and I'm crossing my fingers that I will be fine tomorrow since I have to work.  I love the feeling of not having shit in me, even though I know it doesn't help with weight loss, but it's definitely inconvenient when you have things to do.  To anyone considering the use of laxatives, I recommend you don't start because they're addicting.  Kind of like all the other destructive things I do; I don't recommend any of them.  Sure, I still do them, write about them, and sometimes congratulate myself on them, but if I were honest with myself, then I would probably go back in time and stop myself from beginning my own personal self destruction.  Unfortunately, I don't know when it began...

I don't think there was ever a set day or event that caused it.  Judging by my actions as a child, I think it was only a matter of time before I lost it.  When I first began not eating, I don't think I was really even doing it to lose weight.  It was just one meal at a time, or not wanting to eat while at work or in public, until slowly it morphed into something else entirely.

People say you never know what you've got until it's gone, but in this case, I think I never knew what I had until I had it all...and it's destroying me.