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I'm home for the weekend since I had nothing better to do over Valentine's Day weekend. Usually when I come home, I eat horribly and binge because I see it as a vacation almost. But I'm not letting that happen this time. I refuse to. My goal is to have lost three pounds by Monday since it'll have been about three days. I try to average a weight loss of one pound per day...obviously that will plateau but hasn't yet fortunately!

I've eaten some pineapple for breakfast and had some greek yogurt with blackberries for lunch. It's less than 250 calories, but sadly I don't know the exact number. It isn't a whole lot, I guess, but I feel disgusting anyway. When I've eaten, even if it isn't much, I still am reminding that I would weigh less if I hadn't eaten it at all. It's really frustrating, and I honestly don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to eat at all. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to a permanent fast...at least until I binge (which obviously isn't ideal).

I had one more thing to mention...I'm Catholic, and Lent starts this coming Wednesday. Does anyone have any good ideas of things to give up? I've thought about chocolate, but it worries me that I'll end up bingeing the day before or as soon as Lent is over. And then I've thought about diet pop, which would be good because if I binged on it then it's still zero calories...but I drink it so much! And if I gave up chocolate, then one or two days of bingeing is probably still better with the >40 days without it, right? Help!

A Pat on the Back

I'm planning on leaving a longer post later probably, especially since I'll be camped out around my apartment all day...leaving me prone to deep thoughts. So I apologize ahead of time if long posts irritate anyone because I can be very apt to rambling sometimes. Regardless, I just wanted to express my excitement about successfully avoiding a binge last night. My roommate and her friend came back with two pints of ice cream (Ben & Jerry's), donuts, and, of course, alcohol. Fortunately, I pretty much only like Half Baked ice cream because it has cookie dough and brownie pieces and is pretty much godly ambrosia in the form of ice cream. Also, I don't like donuts, but the temptation was still there right in front of me. However, I was strong and didn't want to ruin my 430 calorie day, so what was a girl to do? Well, I discovered my fail proof plan that has a 100 percent success rate so far at preventing binges that tend to happen after dinner and late at night. My plan? I went to bed...at 9 o'clock. So now I am well rested, two pounds lighter (yes, that's right, TWO pounds!!!!), and in a fantastic mood. So I hope everyone else's day starts out as amazing as mine has.

Rejection

I received notice that I was rejected from yet another internship. It's odd that companies tell you "congratulations"...on applying, but then they continue to tell you that they don't believe your qualifications meet their standards. I wasn't really upset about it, though, because I assumed that I wouldn't get the position when I applied. That's probably not the best perspective, but it was an electronic application so it's not like they were aware of my pessimism. Maybe I will get lucky and manage to find something to do this summer other than work in a cafe, but I'm not holding my breath.

Right now I am sitting on my couch watching Paula Deen cook up outrageously fattening dishes. They look good, I guess, but I'm not really one for southern homestyle cooking. I prefer Italian cuisine...or sushi. But I just think Paula is so adorable that I watch her anyway, all the while cringing when she puts in an entire stick of butter...or a cup of mayonnaise (which I think she's about to do since it's coleslaw, ew). Oh wait! Only half a cup...my bad. Moving on, I wonder if I just like to watch the food network because it almost makes me feel less deprived. Although sometimes this habit backfires and makes me start craving ice cream. Fortunately, I'm just not in the mood right now. I just ate a salad that was probably around 200 calories because of that damn cheese. I thought about going through and picking out all the cheese, but sadly, I was too lazy. I regret that now, especially since I also had oatmeal for lunch. That puts me around 430 calories! Ridiculous. Why am I so gross?!

I just haven't felt pretty in such a long time, and it's frustrating. I'm sure part of the problem is the fact that Valentine's Day is this weekend, and while I've already ranted about it, I just can't get it off my mind. In addition, my knee is destroying me. I have yet to figure out exactly what's wrong with it, but I see the doctor again on Tuesday. This has been going on since September, and you'd think that someone would have figured out the problem by now! Rest is clearly not the solution because I can't walk right now, let alone work out. I really hate not being able to burn off the food I've been eating. I would be so much thinner if I could. As soon as the weather warms up, I am going to go swim laps. I would do so inside, of course, so you might wonder why I'm not doing that now (other than my knee that feels like it's about to fall off). Since I live off campus at college, I don't want to have to deal with walking around for about twenty minutes after swimming with a wet head. And jumping into a cold pool just doesn't sound appealing when I'm trudging through snow all day. You'd think the rolls covering my body would motivate me, but maybe that's what's keeping me out of a swimsuit too...

Does anyone have any great plans for the weekend? I love seeing all the cute heart candies and whatnot around this time of year, even though I hate Valentine's Day. I'm a bitter, single girl, I admit it.

It's Official: I Am Disgusting

I had pizza and ice cream yesterday, and I have no idea why. That makes the third out of the past four days that I have binged. But strangely enough, I somehow only gained two pounds? I was fully expecting the worst when I stepped on the scale this morning, but I was relieved that I can pick myself back up and stop my bingeing...even though I haven't figure out how to do that quite yet. My biggest problem is when it is late at night and I haven't gone to bed because I start eating random things at that point. I really need to get back on a better sleep schedule (as in, go to bed at 9). I always feel so much more revived and put together. It is as if I am afraid of the next day, and I stay up late to put off the inevitable. There's nothing that I really need to worry about this week, and I am looking forward to the weekend so shouldn't I go to bed sooner so it comes faster? Obviously yes, so I don't know what I've been doing for the past few days.

I'm fasting today to get back on track, so I had better lose weight tomorrow! To ensure that this happens, I took a diet pill this morning as my breakfast and will have the second one for lunch. I don't like feeling this disgusting and fat, and it needs to change. I mean, I always feel disgusting and fat, but at least when I feel faint and dizzy in addition, I know that the fatness is potentially being reduced. There's just something comforting about hearing your stomach growl because then, when I feel like nothing else is working out, I know that I am good at one thing...losing weight. That sounds horrible, but I'm sure a lot of people know what I'm talking about, right?

Also, I would like to thank everyone for their positive feedback on my dating rant. I was feeling deep apparently, and I am so relieved to know that I'm not the only one who has this problem. Maybe one day it will change, but I tend to fall back into my habits every time. Just when I think that I will actually say yes and ate someone...I say no at the last minute. And of course, whenever I meet a guy that I actually like, I get excited, mention it to my mom (who obviously gets her hopes up haha), and then I say that it doesn't matter because it won't work out anyway. I see every potential dating opportunity with a guy that actually interests me as doomed to fail because thus far in my life that has been my experience. And I have yet to be proven wrong...I'm not even really disappointed anymore when things fail before they begin because I always expect it. It's a sad mindset, but I can't help it.

Day One Down!

Okay, so today I had Cinnamon Roll oatmeal (delicious), which was 160 calories, and sushi (??? calories). Generally, eight rolls of sushi is around 250 calories, but I'm honestly not sure how much this one was. I think that considering the only other calories I consumed was the oatmeal that I'm in the clear. So, day one is completed, and I'm just sipping on some diet A&W (0 calories). I have to say, I was BEYOND excitement when I saw that I had one comment. Thank you so much! I just get excited to see that someone has read my post, and I highly encourage all comments, even if you just want to say something short. I know that sounds so selfish of me, but sometimes I just really need encouragement.

Now, I have some off topic thoughts that I just wanted to mention, and I am curious about other people's thoughts and advice. I am 20 years old, and I have never had a boyfriend. I have no trouble finding dates, but I rarely actually want to go on them. Moms tend to want to hold off on their daughters dating, but my mom is always trying to get me to go on them. The reason is because I am beyond picky. I expect a guy to be absolutely perfect the moment I meet them, and I notice all of their flaws before anything else. I am extremely judgmental in this arena, and I tend to think that unless they are conservative, drink coffee, love to ski, and play tennis (aka the male version of me), then they aren't worth my time. It's really terrible. Who cares if a guy doesn't like coffee? Does that even affect a relationship in any way? The obvious answer is no, it doesn't. Yet, my stubborn brain can't see beyond such superficial things no matter how many times I tell myself this.

After reading an article that my mom showed me yesterday, I learned a few things that should have seemed obvious. The article was titled, "Seven Mistakes that Single Women Make." Unlike many articles about the mistakes that women make when dating, this one described the mistakes women make when they reject men. I found it fascinating and very applicable to my situation. I complain all the time about not having a boyfriend, but the fault is all mine because I never give a guy a chance.

There were two points that I found the most helpful. The first was that women tend to think that there is always someone better. Instead of thinking about how a guy is good enough, we tend to wonder if we will meet someone who is even more perfect than what we've already found. The author compared it to shopping for a sweater. You find the perfect blue sweater, but then you decide you want to look around a little bit in case you find one that's better. A few months later, you realize that either a) you still loved the first one or b) you did find a second one but was it really that much better in the first place? Probably not. The reality is that no one is perfect, not even you, and what one guy lacks he makes up for in something else. The second point was that you can't expect the guy to have your exact same interests. So he doesn't like coffee, no big deal. If he's never skied before? Oh well, he can learn sometimes. Guys don't expect a girl to sit down and watch the baseball game with him, so why do we expect them to be interested in the things we love?

My goal is to stop being so judgmental and give a guy a chance, but I'm already kind of failing at it. I'm totally going home next weekend because I don't want to deal with Valentine's day. I did that last year, too, and said no to someone that I wasn't that interested in by making the excuse of going home...I'm a terrible person. Does anyone else do this? It's really impractical for me to be so picky, and I'm going to end up as one of those old ladies with lots of cats. And I don't even like cats!

Hey Again

I've been slacking with my posts hardcore. Part of the problem, I think, is that I don't really get any comments from anyone. It's not your fault, but I'm probably simply not writing anything interesting enough that requires a comment. And for that, I apologize. I don't know why my mind has been so dull lately.

It's really late right now, so I just wanted to check in and write a short blurb. There has been a little more on my mind, but since I'm so tired and have class in 6 hours you will just have to wait for the fuller post.

I'm starting the ABC diet again tomorrow because I ate very poorly last weekend. I was home, and I think that was the problem. Whenever I go home, it's as if it is a celebration, and we go out to dinner a lot. It's just bad news, and I hate not knowing how many calories I'm consuming. Therefore, I felt the need to return to the structure of the ABC because I always feel like I'm working towards a positive goal when I have a set plan. Tomorrow is 500 calories as usual, so I'm not too worried.