Wednesday, February 10, 2010

It's Official: I Am Disgusting

I had pizza and ice cream yesterday, and I have no idea why. That makes the third out of the past four days that I have binged. But strangely enough, I somehow only gained two pounds? I was fully expecting the worst when I stepped on the scale this morning, but I was relieved that I can pick myself back up and stop my bingeing...even though I haven't figure out how to do that quite yet. My biggest problem is when it is late at night and I haven't gone to bed because I start eating random things at that point. I really need to get back on a better sleep schedule (as in, go to bed at 9). I always feel so much more revived and put together. It is as if I am afraid of the next day, and I stay up late to put off the inevitable. There's nothing that I really need to worry about this week, and I am looking forward to the weekend so shouldn't I go to bed sooner so it comes faster? Obviously yes, so I don't know what I've been doing for the past few days.

I'm fasting today to get back on track, so I had better lose weight tomorrow! To ensure that this happens, I took a diet pill this morning as my breakfast and will have the second one for lunch. I don't like feeling this disgusting and fat, and it needs to change. I mean, I always feel disgusting and fat, but at least when I feel faint and dizzy in addition, I know that the fatness is potentially being reduced. There's just something comforting about hearing your stomach growl because then, when I feel like nothing else is working out, I know that I am good at one thing...losing weight. That sounds horrible, but I'm sure a lot of people know what I'm talking about, right?

Also, I would like to thank everyone for their positive feedback on my dating rant. I was feeling deep apparently, and I am so relieved to know that I'm not the only one who has this problem. Maybe one day it will change, but I tend to fall back into my habits every time. Just when I think that I will actually say yes and ate someone...I say no at the last minute. And of course, whenever I meet a guy that I actually like, I get excited, mention it to my mom (who obviously gets her hopes up haha), and then I say that it doesn't matter because it won't work out anyway. I see every potential dating opportunity with a guy that actually interests me as doomed to fail because thus far in my life that has been my experience. And I have yet to be proven wrong...I'm not even really disappointed anymore when things fail before they begin because I always expect it. It's a sad mindset, but I can't help it.

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. Even if everything else is going wrong,and it seems like I suck at everything else in my life.. atleast I can feel comforted knowing I can have control and be good at losing weight.

    Sad comfort,but hey-it's something.

    Stay strong beautiful,
    xoxo distortedperception.