Can't Sleep

It's almost 2am, and I just can't sleep.  I'm torn between just pulling an all nighter to ensure I sleep tomorrow night or just keep drinking my sleepy time tea and try to catch some zzz's later.  I'll probably just keep trying to sleep...and fail, I'm sure.

I've been eating around 500 calories for the past few days, which is good.  But, of course, since the number can always be lower, I'm still disappointed naturally.  I lose more weight, I think, when I eat from 300 to 500 calories because it keeps the metabolism going and is easier to stick with, but let's face it:  nothing makes you feel more satisfied than fasting.  In my opinion anyway.  But as always, when I don't eat as much, I can't sleep and end up drinking massive amounts of black coffee.

Also, I move out of my apartment in a few days to stay at home for a few weeks before moving into my new apartment for the school year.  I'm definitely not looking forward to going home because my mom has already been bringing up how it's going to be a few weeks of eating healthy and working out.  I swear there isn't a single aspect of my life that she doesn't control.  And she wonders why I haven't been calling as often...I'll update again tomorrow probably when I'm doing who knows what...aka nothing...just avoiding food.

Pretend

I was feeling poetic today and wrote a poem:

My dream; your nightmare,

My treasure; your hate.

My secrets; your pain,

My loss; your gain.

I pretend to smile,

You flash a grin..

I pretend to laugh,

You double over.

I pretend we’re perfect,

You think we are.

I pretend it’s forever,

You think it is.

I enjoy this sweet dream,

This semblance of forever.

I enjoy the odd feeling

Of things bona fide.

But I know it will end,

I know it fail.

Because in my world,

Anything so perfect

Is never so real.

When am I?

I've been doing really poorly lately, and I'm not sure why.  Sometimes I get into these bad cycles where I can no longer tell what day it is or what time it is or anything really.  My sleep pattern will get so screwed up, and as a result, my eating habits deteriorate, causing me to withdraw as much into myself as possible.  I don't think I've talked to another human being (other than mumbling to an irritating cashier yesterday) in at least a week.  It's really kind of sad when I think about it; I don't know where the time goes.

My main problem is that when I feel gross, which is 99 percent of the time, I simply refuse to go out in public.  I'm afraid to be judged, I guess, but no one judges me more than myself.  Unfortunately, it's impossible to escape that judgement because I have yet to figure out a way to escape myself.  I think I'm going to go to a coffee shop tomorrow, which is a little step towards re entering the human world.  I work on Friday, and I don't want it to be a sudden shock to my system when I suddenly have to socialize.  It's weird how it really does shock me sometimes...not normal, I'm sure.

Anyway, I have had blueberries, grapes, and an 80 calories yogurt.  I don't know how many calories that is, which is annoying, but I think I'm okay.  I might have some soup later for dinner and probably take some laxatives because, well, I don't know...clean the system?  So I'll update everyone tomorrow at the cafe, and I'm brainstorming my next plan of action.  I feel like I need to be more organized.