Groooss

So since I have no plan right now, I have pretty much been winging it. Today, I consumed 450 calories, and I feel DISGUSTING. It just seems like so much to me, and I'm not really sure what to do. I suppose I should just wait and see if I lost weight tomorrow morning before I make myself feel miserable for my fatness. I don't know if it is the fact that my stomach has shrunk and am not starving or if it is the fact that I have energy and am not about to black out every time I move, but I feel as though I am not restricting enough. I really, really wanted chocolate again today, but fortunately, I learned my lesson. If I'm craving something, then I shouldn't go to the grocery store even for gum because the temptation will be too much. I decided to just deal with it and had an apple instead. I don't know why I'm getting all of these cravings, but I did have less-than-one-tampon's-worth of a period a few days ago...could that be related? I don't normally have a menstrual cycle, even though I'm twenty, and I've heard that girls crave things then. It's kind of sad that I don't know about these things...

Anyway, I am also searching for a good workout that won't strain my knee. I have knee problems, which cuts down on pretty much any exercise that I could possibly do besides swimming. And while I love to swim (and used to be a hard core swimmer before college), it's just too cold outside to walk around with a wet head. Once the weather warms up about ten degrees, I will be more than happy to swim laps. I think swimming would be especially good because there wouldn't be any dizzy spells or anything. And I might try some yoga, depending on the pose...maybe I just need to work out to pump up with weight loss to make myself feel better.

Is it ridiculous that I feel so fat when I've still been eating less than 500 calories?

New Day

Okay, so obviously I failed Sunday's ABC plan. The stress of everything just kind of came toppling down one me, and I binged. I don't binge very often, and I'm working on pulling myself back together now. I've been trying to figure out the next steps in my plan, but I'm not really sure what to do. I liked having the structure of the ABC diet with a set amount of calories designated for each day, but I don't know if I should try something a bit more lax for a little while while I recoup. Yesterday I had less than 400 calories, but I couldn't calculate the exact number because of the half salad that I ate for dinner (I don't know how many calories of the 200 total I consumed). Regardless, I did well technically, but I still feel gross. I am at the weight I was on Sunday still, pre binge, but it's depressing. I would feel so much better if I was a few pounds lighter rather than the same weight...

I am going home in a few days (Friday, to be exact), and I am very much looking forward to seeing my family. I plan on making my maximum calorie limit 400 for each day I'm home. It shouldn't be too difficult for me to pretend to have breakfast and hopefully lunch as well, so dinner will be the only thing I'll be eating in public. In the morning, I plan on heating up a bowl of oatmeal, letting it sit for a little while in the bowl, and then stealthily dumping it in the sink. A dirty bowl means I ate it, yes? As for lunch, I can always make a sandwich, leave a bit of crust, and throw the rest down the disposal. My mom will probably be painting in her studio at some points during the day, which is how I can get away with things like that. She's very supportive of my not eating much because I am such a happier person when I'm thinner. She just wants me to be happy, which is really great.

If anyone has some good ideas for a diet, please let me know! I've heard many times that fluctuating how much you eat is a really good idea, but I'm not sure what numbers would be good. I don't want to eat more than 500 on any given day, and I still need to lose a lot of weight...HELP!

Uh Oh

I'm having the worst chocolate cravings of all time right now. I've had about 150 calories, and I want chocolate sooo badly. I've tried everything to curb this feeling, and it's been hours since it started. I did an awesome job this morning when I went to brunch and resisted everything but black coffee. Maybe the prospect of pancakes really got to me. Perhaps if I just went to the grocery store and got some diet root beer, I would be fine. Unfortunately, there is also almond milk and sugar free pudding mix...which is coincidentally what I really really want. It would put me at 300 calories instead of 200, but I would be so happy. I'm really considering breaking the diet for it, so I think you can guess how strong this craving is. I haven't had chocolate of any form in weeks.

I'm not going to binge or start eating everything in sight, but it worries me that if I don't just succumb and eat the diet pudding that a binge could be exactly what happens. Sometimes just giving yourself what you truly desire is the best way. I haven't done it yet, but I hope I'm not a serious let down to people if I go 100 calories over. I'll eat 100 calories less tomorrow, which I tend to do every day anyway. I know it wouldn't be exactly within the plan, but let's face it, who really cares how strict I am with the diet? I care about losing weight and eating very little, and I have been losing a pound a day. I don't think 300 calories today would suddenly turn me into a balloon...okay, I'm ranting. This urge feels like something bigger than me. And I think the sooner I get the correct ingredients, the less likely I'll buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's, which would obviously be worse than 150 calories of pudding. I know this from experience.

Yep, definitely doing it. But hey, 300 calories total for the day is still pretty good, and I did resist both pancakes and cinnamon rolls this morning so I still am feeling successful regardless. Maybe, even though it's cheating, I can take the extra calories from that 500 day and just tack it on today haha

Sorry for the let down, people. It's not really a binge, though, at least.