Terrible Day

So, today started off great. I lost another pound from yesterday, and I went shopping. Unfortunately, my knee started killing me while I was walking around. I have a lot of knee problems, and I think the cold weather just really started to take its toll on my joints. I tried to get off work and failed because for some reason, calling hours ahead of time is just not good enough. The fact that I can't walk is apparently irrelevant. Instead of being excused like any normal job, I have to find a replacement or be penalized for missing a shift. And of course, no other college student wants to pick up a shift on a Saturday night. So stupid. In addition, my continuous inability to sleep has been taking its toll on my mental stability because I broke down and cried. I'm not a crier and never have been, but apparently I just kind of snapped. But that's not all. My phone is also broken...fabulous. It's just one of those days where everything goes wrong.

Fortunately, I stuck to the ABC. So even though all hell breaks loose on the rest of my life (or it felt like that anyway), I can at least control exactly how much I eat. It comforts me to know that at least that part of my life won't spiral out of control because it is entirely in my power. I've only eaten about 100 calories so far today..actually exactly 100, and I plan on having some sugar free jello soon. I will be within the limit either way.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. My phone will still be broken, and that will still suck. But if I can help it, I will lose another pound. Sorry for the short post, but it's just really been a draining day.

Made it?

Phew! I'm getting ready for bed soon since I didn't sleep much last night and am so tired, but I think I made it through the day? I had 2 pieces of sugar free gum, and I was wondering if I still made it through the fast despite that. The principal reason for the gum chewing was due to my, ahem, poor breath. I've never had bad breath and forgive my dishing about personal information here, but I think that my body has definitely gone into ketosis. I've heard about how when you're body is lacking carbohydrates, it goes into ketosis, which in turn causes bad breath. So, for the sake of the people around me and my own comfort, I popped in a piece of gum when in public. The logical part of me tells me that it is perfectly reasonable to chew gum while fasting, especially since pretty much any human being would agree that gum is not really considered food. But the twisted side of me is also telling me how much of a failure I am and how fat I must be to feel the need to chew gum. Of course, it was only two pieces, which corresponds to about 5 to 10 calories...clearly I have problems.

Anyway, tomorrow I can eat 150 calories, and I went to the grocery store to get all kinds of goodies for my future eating allowances. My grocery list primarily consisted of pickles (lots of pickles actually), celery (Oh, crap! I just remembered now I forgot cucumbers!!!), diet pop, sugar free jello, lipton packet soups (only 45 to 50 calories), and some Smart Ones. Did you know that there's a Smart One that is only 140 calories? I think that's as good as you can get when it comes to frozen meals, but that's ideal for days when I can eat 200 or 300 calories, especially considering I tend to only eat once a day.

I realized today that I will be home next Friday for the weekend, and I'm starting to get nervous about the fast for next week. If I'm lucky, I can hide my lack of eating for dinner...at least I can lie about lunch since I won't get home until after that. My mom is proud of my weight loss, but she has no idea how I'm doing it. I guess I'll just have to play it by ear, but I don't want to break my plan because I couldn't come up with a creative lie. Normally, my parents would go out to dinner on Fridays, but unfortunately, my dad is going to be out of town. I'm just going to have to brain storm this week, so it's a good thing I have plenty of time for that. If anyone has any ideas, then please let me know! Normally, I wouldn't worry, but considering how much I've been complaining to her about my raging headaches/migraines, I don't know how easily I'll be let off the hook...no more complaining for me.

Frustrated

So, today is my fast day. It's going fine right now, and I'm planning on drinking lots of tea, diet ginger ale, and water. I ultimately decided to take the v/c chews anyway because 1) they're not food and 2) I figured I should still get some nutrients. I'm trying to lose weight not trying to deprive my body of essentials...even though I'm indirectly doing that...

I'm frustrated, though, because my head is killing me yet again. I get these horrible headaches basically every day, and it feels as though my head is literally on fire. I wake up with them, I go to sleep with them (or at least try to sleep), and walk through the day in a haze. I don't know that it is necessarily fully diet related, but I know that my lack of eating plays a big role. However, I don't plan on changing that, so I've been trying to come up with an alternate solution to eating. Being anemic doesn't help either because the iron deficiency does cause headaches, in addition to every other symptom I experience on a daily basis. But when I talked to my mom, she told me that I should keep a log of what I eat, when the headaches start or end, and how much sleep I got. Obviously, this would help doctors diagnose my problem, which is probably continuous migraines, but I can't log my food for her. She would be appalled. Soooo, I am just going to have to claim irresponsibility and not do it. I'll probably be reprimanded for not being organized, but I have no other choice.

Also, my neighbor made my roommate some special arabic dinner. I'm sure it is good, but obviously I can't eat it...today or any other day for that matter. Fortunately, I already told my roommate that I feel really nauseous today due to my lack of sleep last night, so she won't try to convince me to try it. And I'm hoping that she won't be trying to convince me tomorrow either. That could get a little awkward.

Anyway, I will update later on my success...at least, I'm determined to succeed. I hope that no one takes offense to my decision to take my vitamins. It is a fast day, so I'm not going to eat any food or drink anything with calories. But on days where there is a calorie limit, that is when I take into account the vitamins and calcium. Does that make sense??? Thoughts?

And if anyone has any ideas for my exploding head, please let me know. Neither tylenol nor ibuprofen actually works for me...

As Expected

Okay, so like I thought, I was not able to eat 500 calories. I ended the day with 360...a little low but oh well. I didn't eat anything except a piece of gum and my vitamins and calcium (I think I'm going to start abbreviating that v/c from now on) until 5 pm. I studied at Panera and decided on the fruit and yogurt parfait. It's only 280 calories, granola included, which is pretty awesome. And it's delicious, so I highly recommend that to anyone else. Then I had a diet swiss miss when I got home (25 calories). I'm very excited for my fasting tomorrow now, especially since I can just lay around all day after my exam and work. I'm determined to succeed at this.

I don't know why I was so worried today. Even when I was coming home, and my roommate told me that we have Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, which is my absolute favorite, I wasn't even tempted. I don't even want ice cream. Granted, part of the reason was probably because I was freezing, but I think I'm also just so motivated now.

I also slept well for the first time in so long. Lately, I've been practically an insomniac. I just toss and turn and wonder when I'll finally fall asleep. I am convinced that I have restless leg syndrome. Considering that I am anemic, it is very possible because RLS is another symptom of anemia. Of course, the other reason could be that I'm not exactly eating much. Does anyone else have trouble sleeping???? I don't know if that's common or not, but there does seem to be a pattern in my life. Whenever I severely cut down what I eat (which is most of the time), I have a lot of trouble falling asleep. I guess it's the price you have to pay.

Random thoughts

I'm sitting in my room trying to figure out what I'm going to eat today, and I'm really struggling. I can eat up to 500 caloris, and for some reason, the vast array of options that I have is stressing me out. I'm not even hungry, so nothing is really appealing to me. At the moment, I'm just planning on eating something for dinner, but I have no idea what. I'll probably be on campus studying or something, so my options are quite limited. I could go back to my apartment after my exam and have a lean cuisine, but then my calories for the day are still really low...not to mention once I get home, I lose all motivation to study! My options are: Starbucks and Panera...

Those are my prime study spots because I can load up on coffee and sit there for hours. Unfortunately, Starbucks doesn't have good food options for me (delicious but high in calories), and Panera has too MUCH food for my taste. Plus, I went there yesterday and had vegetable soup. I looked up the nutrition information, and I could get something yummy like a blueberry muffin, drink black coffee or diet coke, and still be well under my calorie limit. Or the parfait gives me a lot more wiggle room. I guess I just need to relax and see how the day goes. My appetite has been substantially reduced to next to nothing, so I know I won't have a problem going over the limit. I'm just stressed...maybe it's because I have exams...I don't know!

Anyway, I'll update later about how I do. Thanks for listening to my random stressing out!

Venting

First things first, I made the calorie limit again today. I had black coffee and light n' fit yogurt for breakfast (80 calories), a cup (not bowl) of vegetable soup from Panera and small apple for lunch (190 calories), and a bouillon cube for dinner (5 calories). In addition, I had my usual vitamins and calcium (45 calories), 2 pieces of sugar-free gum (5 calories), and sugar-free french vanilla cafe (30 calories), bringing my grand total to 355 calories. Considering my limit was 400, I think I did very well. I'm not sure why, but I was really nervous about making the goal. I've been so used to restricting my diet to the point of dining on my daily supplements, gum, and diet coke, that actually sitting down and eating lunch felt like such a shock. Friday will probably feel more like my normal routine since it's a fast day.

I have two exams this week, one tomorrow and one on Friday. I think that the fact that I can eat 500 calories tomorrow will probably be good for me since my brain is going to need a lot of energy for my hours upon hours of studying. Friday won't matter since I'll be done with my exam so early. However, one of my dilemmas will be hiding my lack of eating from my roommate. She asked me today how much I thought I've lost, and I said just a few pounds and acted like it was no big deal. I'm no where near being the stick figure that I am determined to be, but she tends to be a bit of a worrier and I don't want her to make assumptions, that while true, should be considered ridiculous. She had a friend in high school who used to be anorexic, so I'm hoping my habits won't remind her of anything...

But again, it's not like she can do anything about it anyway. To be honest, it is my body. And if I want to starve it, then I damn well can! I have come to a very strong conclusion after I laid in bed unable to fall asleep last night. The only way that I am going to fail the ABC diet is if someone forces me to eat, and I am not going to let that happen. What I put into my mouth is entirely my responsibility; there is no unnatural force that makes me pick up a fork and eat something I shouldn't. This resolution will keep me motivated, as I know it will be no one else's fault but my own should I fail. And if I look at things with that in mind, then I think I will find the diet much easier.

Nevertheless, I still need to keep things very secretive. I frequently make up eating previously to coming home, and my roommate commented that she never sees me eating anything unhealthy even though I claim I have. I tried to explain that since I work almost everyday, I choose to eat my meals then since it's free. I think it worked as of now, but I need to be a bit more careful in the future once I drop more weight.

Does anyone else have trouble with prying roommates? Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I've already gone through people questioning my habits and seeking more professional help back when I was in high school. As nice as it is to know that people care, it really irritates me. My business is my own after all. Any ideas for being more secretive, too? Please comment!

Brrr

It was so warm last week and now it's back below freezing...I will never understand Ohio weather. And thanks, Zwazzle, for your comment! I like to hear from people so I don't feel like I'm posting random things for nothing :)

The question of whether to show off my weight loss or not is kind of irrelevant now that it's so cold because I found myself wearing a million things today just to stay warm walking from class to class. But at least I know now that once the weather warms up a bit (hopefully next week???), I may as well dress in my skinnier clothes. You're right because what can people do at this point anyway? I'm not 100 lbs so I don't look unhealthy, and therefore, people have no cause to worry. The fact that I use extreme measures and plan on being very small is something that they would not know and do not need to know.

It's been a week since I started the ABC diet, and I'm still going strong. I was barely even able to eat 300 calories today, which is probably a good sign. Tomorrow is 400, and then Thursday is 500. It seems like so much now! I'm still going to try to make it that high just so I stick to the diet and replenish my body with some nutrients that I am probably highly lacking at this point. This coming weekend's calories are pretty low, especially since Friday is a fast day, so I'll have to try to get in some good quality protein. Sadly, I've only lost about 5 lbs or so since being on the diet, but it has only been a week after all. If I continue at the rate I'm going, then hopefully I will lose almost 10 lbs by the time I go home in a week and a half. Fortunately, as I have mentioned before, my mom won't question my methods. She'll merely be excited that I look so much better. And it's easy when I'm home to make up what I've eaten...or maybe I'll just lie, saying I have cramps from being on my period. Of course, I don't get a period but whatever. Details.

I know this is really personal, but sometimes I wonder about my lack of a monthly cycle. I've only had my period a few times in my life actually. I don't know if my irregular eating habits play a role or not, and I often wonder if I'm infertile because of it or something. Strangely enough, that doesn't bother me a whole lot...if I have no chance of getting pregnant, then that is extra weight that I will never be forced to gain. It sounds sad, but as a mere 20 year old, I can't really be expected to think that far in the future. I don't know what I'll want at that point in my life. Currently, I am only concerned with losing weight and attempting to break into the bleak job market...only succeeding on one of those accounts. But at least it's the thing that matters most to me!

By the way, the next week full of the ABC diet's caloric intake is as follows:

Day 8: 400 calories

Day 9: 500 calories

Day 10: FAST

Day 11: 150 calories

Day 12: 200 calories

Day 13: 400 calories

Day 14: 350 calories

That would make two weeks, and I'm definitely determined to beat that. Obviously, I'm determined to make it the full 50 days, but I'm trying to take things one day at a time. It's much easier that way!

Success!

Okay, so it's basically official since I'm going to bed within the hour, but I beat my record! Granted, I have only tried the ABC once before at the start of the new year, but I am proud nevertheless. Today was the day that I screwed up last time, and I was so determined to succeed. I ate a red bell pepper (30 calories), vitamins/calcium chews (45), a piece of sugar-free gum (2.5 calories), and a bouillon cube (5 calories), bringing my grand total to 82.5 calories. Since the goal was 100, I cam out perfectly and even with a little wiggle room. I want to thank Arii again for her brilliant idea of the bouillon cubes! I still can't believe I completely forgot about them for so long...I'm definitely getting back on track and using one of those little miracles for lunch again in the near future.

Also, I am so relieved that the fasting day is Friday because I have an exam Thursday and early Friday morning. That means that my head won't start hurting from malnutrition until well after I'm done with my exam. I don't know how many people get this feeling, but I pretty much feel like my head's been smashed into a wall most of the time. I wake up with a burning headache every morning, and my arms and legs are so exhausted for no reason. It's probably the anemia thing still, so I NEED to remember to take my iron pills. Unfortunately, they're supposed to be taken with food or else you get nauseous...a little nervous about that. Although, I suppose if I throw up then that's just more weight leaving my system, right? So maybe the iron pills would just be a blessing.

And I am currently torn between the dilemma of wearing cute clothes because I'm starting to fit better in them or continue to wear layers upon layers so that people don't notice the weight loss...my jeans are ridiculously loose and needed major shrinkage in the dryer. While I want to look skinnier, I also don't want it to be too obvious and start people questioning since it has been such a short amount of time. I'm debating continuing my layering for a few more weeks until I lose another ten or fifteen pounds. Even though the loss would be more drastic, at least I'll be closer to my goal weight and skinnier than I was in high school. Who cares what people say then? It's not like they can do much about it.

If anyone has advice about that, please let me know. I know that in high school when my pants were all huge on me, people definitely took notice and started whole "concern for you" spiel...very annoying.

Tomorrow: 300 calories!

Woops!

I just checked the ABC diet today, and I realized I was only supposed to eat 100 calories...I thought it was the 200 day. If no one minds, I am simply switching today and tomorrow, so tomorrow I will be limiting myself to 100 instead. It wasn't due to lack of willpower but due to me just not paying attention. I guess it just made more sense in my head for the calories to be decreasing rather than the other way around. But I almost mixed up the third an fourth days (300 then 400, respectively) for the same reason. Fortunately, I caught myself before it was too late that time...

This is what I ate today: 2 pieces of orbit (5 cals), vitamins/calcium chews (45 cals), watered down butternut squash soup (22 cals), 8 saltines (my weakness, 84 cals), and some cherry tomatoes and carrots (30 cals). Brings my total to 186 calories for the day! Success!

Tomorrow is the day that I messed up last time I did the ABC diet, so I am very determined to last. Fortunately, I have class tomorrow and I work twice, giving me very little time to eat anyway. Staying busy always helps me curb my appetite. As of now, I have absolutely no idea what I am going to eat tomorrow because after my vitamins, I will only have 55 calories available. What can you really eat for that anyway? I do have a red bell pepper (30 calories) still stashed in my fridge, so maybe I'll have that.

Anyway, I am going to get back to studying because I have a whole bunch of midterms coming up this week, and I need to stop procrastinating!

Wish me luck tomorrow!