Thursday, December 9, 2010

No more finals!

I thought I should exclaim my excitement about being done with finals!  It's an amazing feeling, and I'm hoping that now I can get my life, or at least my concept of time, slightly back on course.  I had a pint of ice cream yesterday to celebrate, knowing fully what I was doing, and then purged it...that brought my intake to about 1500 calories but hopefully the purge got rid of some of them?  Idk, but I didn't gain weight miraculously.  My body is exhausted, and I have a raging headache but I'm playing Christmas music, drinking black coffee, have a vanilla candle lit, and am planning on repainting my nails within the next few hours sooo it's a good day?

I was supposed to work at 7am this morning and I did, but the cafe had so few customers since finals are basically over and students are leaving for home for the holidays so I was sent home.  Normally I would rather get paid, but this was one of my least favorite (okay, is my least favorite) location to work at so going home was fine to me.  Sadly, now I can't decide if I should take a nap since I'm awake.  It's so early still so I might...I have nothing special to do all day but contemplate my life <-- which is never a good thing for my state of mind.

I chatted with my mom and joked about how my roommate thinks I don't like hugs, which is actually true.  She likes to cuddle with people and has no problem with that kind of thing, while I avoid human contact as much as possible.  My mom doesn't really understand because she's huggy and claims my dad is, though I'm convinced that's false.  Sure, he hugs my mom and now us kids, too, (albeit awkwardly and adorably), but we're family.  Or maybe I'm just searching in vain for a reason behind my obscurity and heredity is the best reason I can find.  Anyway, it's only 8:30am (ish), so I need to find something boring to do.  I won't eat until after 12 or 1, and I'm glad that's one rule that I never break.  So bring on the coffee!  Oh and I need a shower...I'm fucking freezing.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I've always been the kind of person who refuses to form attachments to other people; I feel like they're pointless.  I don't even know if there is a "group" of such kind of people, but I am one of them anyway.  I don't socialize with coworkers, classmates, teammates, etc. because I feel this intense need to compartmentalize my life and keep things separated so much so that I keep myself separated from everything else.  My friends are more like acquaintances and never particularly close to me.  My own roommate, who is one of my better friends at school, informed me that I never tell her anything about my life...she's the second roommate of mine to tell me that.  And it's not so much that I intentionally hide things (although I do), but I just build up the walls so thick and so close to myself that even the smallest information about my day suddenly makes me feel exposed.

I graduate from college this year, along with most of my friends (or rather, people I know), and a coworker asked my roommate if I was going to miss her.  I guess she told the person that I wouldn't, half jokingly and half seriously...actually, she might have been completely serious.  And the sad thing is that she is probably right.  It's likely that I won't miss her, and it kind of hurts me sometimes that I seem so heartless and just can't have that feeling.  I guess it's kind of sad that I'm so cynical, so cold, and so anti emotions, especially when other people notice and can't understand me.  I never thought that people around me would feel like I keep them at an arm's length and don't let them in, but I think such a person is rare so people take notice when they meet someone like me.  I feel like I seem cheerful, genuinely happy, and a "people person" upon first meeting, but anyone who sees me on a regular basis might see through my facade.  Because I'm definitely not a happy person on the inside; I am extremely jaded, and I don't see the point in most things..such as relationships.

It's an odd feeling that I have right now.  It's like I can tell on some level that it isn't normal to think like I do, that it's okay to establish a relationship and get to know someone and let someone get to know me.  But at the same time, my mind just can't wrap around this concept.  I feel like my way of thinking is just on a different wavelength, and it makes me very confused that my ideals and basic concepts of life don't make sense to most people.  I wish that for one day I could feel the way they do and see how different life would be, but I think the fact that I don't notice that I am, in fact, living is part of my problem.  It's wrong, I'm sure, but I just can't come to terms with the fact that I'm real or that this world is real.  I feel like I'm dreaming and one day I'll wake up and things will be completely different.  I can't help it, and it's the days like today when someone seems to disagree with an idea so solidly and logically planted in my brain that I begin to feel lost.  

And I forgot to eat for more than 24 hours...literally forgot.  No wonder I fit into all of my clothes from high school.  I'm successfully disappearing from lots of studying, excessive caffeine, and no sleep.  It's nice.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


I feel terrible today.  

I've been studying a lot, I suppose, but mostly I've just been thinking about how much I have to study and how I'm going to fail my exam (thank god there's a curve) and how I'm not going to make it to Christmas.  It's a similar mindset that I had before Thanksgiving, now that I look at it, and somehow I made it to that holiday alive.  I only have a few more days before my finals are over, and I can stop being such a mess of a human being.  But unfortunately, part of my stress is amplified by how I deal with the stress.  Take last night, for  example...epic fail in my feeble attempt at being a normal human being.  I ended up bingeing and purging because I had a strong desire to feel more miserable than I already felt.  All day I sat in Panera studying, drinking coffee, and freezing my ass off so that I was dizzy sitting in my chair, probably severely dehydrated from all the caffeine, and my vision was blurry.  I could barely focus, to be honest.  So when I got home, I felt like what the hell, I might as well try to feel as terrible as humanly possible, right?  And my roommate went out, which meant I had the apartment to myself so I could properly self destruct.  So I binged and purged and then pulled out a fresh razor blade and went at it on my arms.  I stayed up all night until 7:30am this morning for no reason other than trying to delay the inevitable feeling of worthlessness, pain, and guilt that was going to envelope me when I awoke.  And I didn't disappoint because when I finally closed my eyes, I woke up feeling like I was hit by a car.

On one hand, I like feeling like my arms are burning and like I'm a wreck, but o the other hand, I feel like it would be great to just be normal for once.  But the problem is that I don't think I'd feel like myself if I wasn't always in some sort of agony, seemingly always self inflicted.   And it's become somewhat second nature for me to hurt myself; I barely remember doing it last night.  When I woke up in a daze, I thought, "Oh shit, I forgot about my arms!" when I moved and felt the fabric of my shirt chaffing my skin.  And I forgot I had purged until several hours after I got up.  Kind of strange, but maybe since half of my cutting was done when I was listening to music in my bed in the dark, it was almost like I was half asleep.  And tonight I'm not sleeping because I have an exam in just over 12 hours soooo lots of studying to do.  I'm going to get a whole bunch of sugar free redbull and maybe some form of sugary, fat free candy to keep me going all night long.  

Joy...another all nighter.