Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I've always been the kind of person who refuses to form attachments to other people; I feel like they're pointless.  I don't even know if there is a "group" of such kind of people, but I am one of them anyway.  I don't socialize with coworkers, classmates, teammates, etc. because I feel this intense need to compartmentalize my life and keep things separated so much so that I keep myself separated from everything else.  My friends are more like acquaintances and never particularly close to me.  My own roommate, who is one of my better friends at school, informed me that I never tell her anything about my life...she's the second roommate of mine to tell me that.  And it's not so much that I intentionally hide things (although I do), but I just build up the walls so thick and so close to myself that even the smallest information about my day suddenly makes me feel exposed.

I graduate from college this year, along with most of my friends (or rather, people I know), and a coworker asked my roommate if I was going to miss her.  I guess she told the person that I wouldn't, half jokingly and half seriously...actually, she might have been completely serious.  And the sad thing is that she is probably right.  It's likely that I won't miss her, and it kind of hurts me sometimes that I seem so heartless and just can't have that feeling.  I guess it's kind of sad that I'm so cynical, so cold, and so anti emotions, especially when other people notice and can't understand me.  I never thought that people around me would feel like I keep them at an arm's length and don't let them in, but I think such a person is rare so people take notice when they meet someone like me.  I feel like I seem cheerful, genuinely happy, and a "people person" upon first meeting, but anyone who sees me on a regular basis might see through my facade.  Because I'm definitely not a happy person on the inside; I am extremely jaded, and I don't see the point in most things..such as relationships.

It's an odd feeling that I have right now.  It's like I can tell on some level that it isn't normal to think like I do, that it's okay to establish a relationship and get to know someone and let someone get to know me.  But at the same time, my mind just can't wrap around this concept.  I feel like my way of thinking is just on a different wavelength, and it makes me very confused that my ideals and basic concepts of life don't make sense to most people.  I wish that for one day I could feel the way they do and see how different life would be, but I think the fact that I don't notice that I am, in fact, living is part of my problem.  It's wrong, I'm sure, but I just can't come to terms with the fact that I'm real or that this world is real.  I feel like I'm dreaming and one day I'll wake up and things will be completely different.  I can't help it, and it's the days like today when someone seems to disagree with an idea so solidly and logically planted in my brain that I begin to feel lost.  

And I forgot to eat for more than 24 hours...literally forgot.  No wonder I fit into all of my clothes from high school.  I'm successfully disappearing from lots of studying, excessive caffeine, and no sleep.  It's nice.


  1. I tend to push people away friends always tell me that i don´t talk about myself...i just don´t like sharing my depressive thoights but we can´t be like this forever, we need friends.

  2. i tend to keep most of my stuff to myself too. i have one friend that i told, and i dont know why, but he has been surprisingly pleasant about it. like hes disapointed when i say i didnt eat on such and such day, but he's there for me.
    ... and im starting to fit into my clothes from middle school... well pants anyway, because i was quite a bit shorter.