I feel terrible today.
I've been studying a lot, I suppose, but mostly I've just been thinking about how much I have to study and how I'm going to fail my exam (thank god there's a curve) and how I'm not going to make it to Christmas. It's a similar mindset that I had before Thanksgiving, now that I look at it, and somehow I made it to that holiday alive. I only have a few more days before my finals are over, and I can stop being such a mess of a human being. But unfortunately, part of my stress is amplified by how I deal with the stress. Take last night, for example...epic fail in my feeble attempt at being a normal human being. I ended up bingeing and purging because I had a strong desire to feel more miserable than I already felt. All day I sat in Panera studying, drinking coffee, and freezing my ass off so that I was dizzy sitting in my chair, probably severely dehydrated from all the caffeine, and my vision was blurry. I could barely focus, to be honest. So when I got home, I felt like what the hell, I might as well try to feel as terrible as humanly possible, right? And my roommate went out, which meant I had the apartment to myself so I could properly self destruct. So I binged and purged and then pulled out a fresh razor blade and went at it on my arms. I stayed up all night until 7:30am this morning for no reason other than trying to delay the inevitable feeling of worthlessness, pain, and guilt that was going to envelope me when I awoke. And I didn't disappoint because when I finally closed my eyes, I woke up feeling like I was hit by a car.
On one hand, I like feeling like my arms are burning and like I'm a wreck, but o the other hand, I feel like it would be great to just be normal for once. But the problem is that I don't think I'd feel like myself if I wasn't always in some sort of agony, seemingly always self inflicted. And it's become somewhat second nature for me to hurt myself; I barely remember doing it last night. When I woke up in a daze, I thought, "Oh shit, I forgot about my arms!" when I moved and felt the fabric of my shirt chaffing my skin. And I forgot I had purged until several hours after I got up. Kind of strange, but maybe since half of my cutting was done when I was listening to music in my bed in the dark, it was almost like I was half asleep. And tonight I'm not sleeping because I have an exam in just over 12 hours soooo lots of studying to do. I'm going to get a whole bunch of sugar free redbull and maybe some form of sugary, fat free candy to keep me going all night long.
Joy...another all nighter.