Sunday, December 5, 2010


I feel terrible today.  

I've been studying a lot, I suppose, but mostly I've just been thinking about how much I have to study and how I'm going to fail my exam (thank god there's a curve) and how I'm not going to make it to Christmas.  It's a similar mindset that I had before Thanksgiving, now that I look at it, and somehow I made it to that holiday alive.  I only have a few more days before my finals are over, and I can stop being such a mess of a human being.  But unfortunately, part of my stress is amplified by how I deal with the stress.  Take last night, for  example...epic fail in my feeble attempt at being a normal human being.  I ended up bingeing and purging because I had a strong desire to feel more miserable than I already felt.  All day I sat in Panera studying, drinking coffee, and freezing my ass off so that I was dizzy sitting in my chair, probably severely dehydrated from all the caffeine, and my vision was blurry.  I could barely focus, to be honest.  So when I got home, I felt like what the hell, I might as well try to feel as terrible as humanly possible, right?  And my roommate went out, which meant I had the apartment to myself so I could properly self destruct.  So I binged and purged and then pulled out a fresh razor blade and went at it on my arms.  I stayed up all night until 7:30am this morning for no reason other than trying to delay the inevitable feeling of worthlessness, pain, and guilt that was going to envelope me when I awoke.  And I didn't disappoint because when I finally closed my eyes, I woke up feeling like I was hit by a car.

On one hand, I like feeling like my arms are burning and like I'm a wreck, but o the other hand, I feel like it would be great to just be normal for once.  But the problem is that I don't think I'd feel like myself if I wasn't always in some sort of agony, seemingly always self inflicted.   And it's become somewhat second nature for me to hurt myself; I barely remember doing it last night.  When I woke up in a daze, I thought, "Oh shit, I forgot about my arms!" when I moved and felt the fabric of my shirt chaffing my skin.  And I forgot I had purged until several hours after I got up.  Kind of strange, but maybe since half of my cutting was done when I was listening to music in my bed in the dark, it was almost like I was half asleep.  And tonight I'm not sleeping because I have an exam in just over 12 hours soooo lots of studying to do.  I'm going to get a whole bunch of sugar free redbull and maybe some form of sugary, fat free candy to keep me going all night long.  

Joy...another all nighter.

1 comment:

  1. Good luck with the exam tomorrow. You better text me when you get out and tell me all about it.
    With the cutting, that used to always happen to me, the next day I would wake up, take off my pants and feel some kind of pain. And then remember:\
    I hope you are doing well<3