Saturday, June 5, 2010


My little brother was in tears yesterday.  Something happened, and he snapped.  My mom sent me a message that her heart was breaking, and I wanted to cry myself.  It tortures me to know that my little brother feels so devastated about something, and I just want to take away his pain.  We're very close, and I think I can honestly say that he is one of my best friends.  I know he'll always be there for me, and he looks up to me.  I called him and tried to give him advice, knowing how similar the two of us really are.  We're both tortured souls, I think, and I just wish he wouldn't go through this like I do.  Luckily, I managed to make him laugh a lot last night, and he talked to his friends and apologized for getting mad at them.  Now things are better.  He thought his friends wouldn't want to be friends with him anymore, but I told him it takes a lot more than a little fight over essentially nothing to damage a relationship that far.  And I was right.

My mom has told me before how alike my little brother and I are, and I wonder if her heart breaks about me sometimes...doubt it.  I don't know, but I just feel like she doesn't worry about me that much.  It could just be because she doesn't tell me obviously and expresses her concern to her friends, but it still makes me wonder.  I feel as though when I call, she always puts me on speakerphone, starts talking more to herself than me, or talks to people around her instead.  It's as though I'm never a priority.  I know that I call frequently, but we rarely have an actual conversation, which is why I keep calling.  I keep hoping that one day she will actually understand me for once, but I suppose that's too much to ask.  Don't get me wrong, though, I'm extremely close to my mom.  We're almost like Lorelai and Rory from Gilmore Girls, or at least, that's what a lot of people keep telling us (we have a lot of the same banter).  But as far as emotional things, I'm pretty much a vault so she doesn't know what is going on in my mind.  I want to tell her that I need help so that for once in my life I can be happy, but once that door is open you can't close it again.  And I'm pretty sure I'd immediately want to slam it closed.  You can't really just open it quietly and peak through the crack to the other's too bad because I'd really like to know what's on the other side before I go knocking.

I'm an emotional wreck today, as you might be able to tell.  I just want my little brother to be happy and wish I could bare his burden for him.  I'm already a mess anyway.  I guess that's how you feel when you really care about someone, but he is my little bro after all.  I call him, "little dude," and we have all these little inside jokes and quirky behaviors.  I miss him a lot, but at least I see him on Tuesday.  Why can't innocent people like him always be happy?  Why does he have to be depressed, too?  It's just not fair.  Such is life.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Two Words

It's been a while since I posted last time, and I apologize.  Today I had a mini binge of about 1000 calories, ugh, and purged it.  Then I begrudgingly went out in public because I had to turn in my class schedule so my bosses can create the work schedule for the fall.  While doing this, I ran into one of my friends and my future roommate for next year (different than the one I have now).  She was working and made the implication that we needed to hang out since it's been so, she's leaving for D.C. soon for the summer.  Her request shattered my plans for the night, which consisted of wasting time doing nothing before heading back to my apartment, popping four laxatives, and spending the night in my bedroom and bathroom as needed.  I was somewhat torn between what to do because on one hand, we haven't hung out in a long time and she is starting to think that I don't want to, but on the other hand, I really really need to take those pills and get all this vile waste out of my system.  After inwardly debating for a while and leaving her to finish her shift at work, I finally decided on the plan that I knew I would ultimately pick anyway:  I'm waiting for the laxatives to destroy my stomach now.

It's sad that I chose little pink pills over a friend.  God, that makes me sound like a druggie.  I swear I'm not because I don't take them every day (uh, other than last night and today...), but I think everyone would agree that laxatives, diuretics, and diet pills are not exactly the same kind of addictions.  You're never tired and think, "Oh, I need my lax fix."  I mean, seriously, that just doesn't happen.  I do, however, notice when my stomach feels bloated and decide which upcoming day would be ideal for taking a whole bunch of laxatives.  I don't wan to take them and be in public just in case.  When I took one last night, I went to work and my stomach was literally trying to kill me.  Let's just say, it was one of the worst work shifts of my life.

Now, onto more important things.  I was talking to Arii today, and she decided to steal more adderall which she has mentioned in her posts before.  Naturally, I told her she was very sneaky, and it was at that moment how much I looove that word.  My two favorite words are now "sneaky" and "frolic".  I think I say frolic several times a day.  So I've been trying to figure out a sentence that could use both of those words in a relevant context.  If you guys happen to think of a good one, please let me know!  This is clearly very important haha

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Yesterday was one of the best days of my life, which was a significant improvement from my mini panic attack.  I don't want to bore you with the specific events of my weekend, but in a nut shell, there was lots of  tennis, parties, pool, golf, and more parties.  I belong to a country club that happens to be in my neighborhood (pretty convenient), and I live the stereotypical country club life in the summer.  It's a lot of fun, though.

Anyway, today I start The Book Diet, so I'm fasting today and tomorrow...lots of black coffee and tea.  I have to read Wuthering Heights this week for the diet as well, but that isn't my top priority since I'm midway through Dracula right now and need to finish that first.  June 3rd through 7th is up to 400 calories of soft foods, like baby food, fruit, yogurt, etc, with exercise and the completion of one book.  The diet essentially uses reading as a distraction from eating and is similar to the ABC diet because the plan changes frequently so you don't get bored eating the same things.

If anyone wants to join, let me know, and thank you sooo much for your encouragement the other day.  I really needed it, and it's so nice to know that people care especially since I can't talk to anyone else.