My little brother was in tears yesterday. Something happened, and he snapped. My mom sent me a message that her heart was breaking, and I wanted to cry myself. It tortures me to know that my little brother feels so devastated about something, and I just want to take away his pain. We're very close, and I think I can honestly say that he is one of my best friends. I know he'll always be there for me, and he looks up to me. I called him and tried to give him advice, knowing how similar the two of us really are. We're both tortured souls, I think, and I just wish he wouldn't go through this like I do. Luckily, I managed to make him laugh a lot last night, and he talked to his friends and apologized for getting mad at them. Now things are better. He thought his friends wouldn't want to be friends with him anymore, but I told him it takes a lot more than a little fight over essentially nothing to damage a relationship that far. And I was right.
My mom has told me before how alike my little brother and I are, and I wonder if her heart breaks about me sometimes...doubt it. I don't know, but I just feel like she doesn't worry about me that much. It could just be because she doesn't tell me obviously and expresses her concern to her friends, but it still makes me wonder. I feel as though when I call, she always puts me on speakerphone, starts talking more to herself than me, or talks to people around her instead. It's as though I'm never a priority. I know that I call frequently, but we rarely have an actual conversation, which is why I keep calling. I keep hoping that one day she will actually understand me for once, but I suppose that's too much to ask. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm extremely close to my mom. We're almost like Lorelai and Rory from Gilmore Girls, or at least, that's what a lot of people keep telling us (we have a lot of the same banter). But as far as emotional things, I'm pretty much a vault so she doesn't know what is going on in my mind. I want to tell her that I need help so that for once in my life I can be happy, but once that door is open you can't close it again. And I'm pretty sure I'd immediately want to slam it closed. You can't really just open it quietly and peak through the crack to the other side...it's too bad because I'd really like to know what's on the other side before I go knocking.
I'm an emotional wreck today, as you might be able to tell. I just want my little brother to be happy and wish I could bare his burden for him. I'm already a mess anyway. I guess that's how you feel when you really care about someone, but he is my little bro after all. I call him, "little dude," and we have all these little inside jokes and quirky behaviors. I miss him a lot, but at least I see him on Tuesday. Why can't innocent people like him always be happy? Why does he have to be depressed, too? It's just not fair. Such is life.