Wednesday, August 11, 2010

When am I?

I've been doing really poorly lately, and I'm not sure why.  Sometimes I get into these bad cycles where I can no longer tell what day it is or what time it is or anything really.  My sleep pattern will get so screwed up, and as a result, my eating habits deteriorate, causing me to withdraw as much into myself as possible.  I don't think I've talked to another human being (other than mumbling to an irritating cashier yesterday) in at least a week.  It's really kind of sad when I think about it; I don't know where the time goes.

My main problem is that when I feel gross, which is 99 percent of the time, I simply refuse to go out in public.  I'm afraid to be judged, I guess, but no one judges me more than myself.  Unfortunately, it's impossible to escape that judgement because I have yet to figure out a way to escape myself.  I think I'm going to go to a coffee shop tomorrow, which is a little step towards re entering the human world.  I work on Friday, and I don't want it to be a sudden shock to my system when I suddenly have to socialize.  It's weird how it really does shock me sometimes...not normal, I'm sure.

Anyway, I have had blueberries, grapes, and an 80 calories yogurt.  I don't know how many calories that is, which is annoying, but I think I'm okay.  I might have some soup later for dinner and probably take some laxatives because, well, I don't know...clean the system?  So I'll update everyone tomorrow at the cafe, and I'm brainstorming my next plan of action.  I feel like I need to be more organized.

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