Thursday, March 11, 2010


I'm addicted to this feeling. This feeling of walking through life in a daze...the world on mute, my mind a blur, the detachment from my body. It feels as though my body is a whole other entity, and I'm always watching from a distance. I visualize myself stumbling down the sidewalk, the pallor of my skin, the wondrous expression on my face. Sometimes it's as though I'm a child, watching the world in amazement as if seeing everything for the very first time. But I'm never actually seeing anything though I am always looking. There's a difference.

It's almost as though I am always high. I can stare at one object forever because my mind is too muddled to do anything else and it distracts me from the painful feeling in my chest and my head. Occasionally I am muse about my life and reflect in curious wonderment how it is all falling to pieces. Reality is appearing in fragments in at a dizzying rate, but I am trying my best to deflect it in order to continue to live in my own personal matrix. Most of the time I don't even know what's real and what's not, when I'm dreaming and when I'm awake. My dreams can be so vivid that I wake up in the morning thinking it's the middle of the afternoon. How can I distinguish between what's in my mind and what's reality? Is there even a difference anymore?

Today I did have a sudden crash with reality as I was slammed full force with the effects that my habits have on my body. I was determined to burn off more calories than I consumed today, which was somewhere between 350 and 375. I burned 400 on the elliptical. Then I went tanning, but unfortunately, the free tanning booth is a standing bed. I didn't make it the full ten minutes as I suddenly felt my heart pounding, my world spinning, and chills running over my skin. I tried to bear it, thinking it was all in my head, but after about 30 more seconds I realized that I was, in fact, about to pass out. In order to prevent fainting, naked, in a tanning bed, I stepped out to feel the cool air and attempt to regain my vision. I then tried tanning again, but the vertigo returned at an even more accelerated rate.

However, when I started walking back to my apartment, I wasn't concerned about my health or how much water I should have been drinking during the day. I thought about how light and airy I felt as I made my way through the parking lot, and how I never wanted the feeling to go away. I always want to feel as though I'm drunkenly strolling through life. And as a result, I'm fasting tomorrow. This is when I should logically think I have an issue...when I am strongly motivated by yet another near fainting experience. But I want my limbs to feel like jelly, and I want to move them in front of my eyes, cock my head to the side, and wonder why my arm feels numb. I want to continue to dream.

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly what you mean, in regards to the first, especially. I'm unhealthily in love with isolating myself from the world and falling off into a daze.