Saturday, May 29, 2010

Staying Strong

First of all, thank you for all your support and motivation!  I think a liquid fast is the greatest thing in the world because you can still get some nutrients but in a "sippable" manner.  When I'm drinking something it's easier for me to throw it away only partially consumed.  Yesterday I had half of a soy iced latte and then a homemade strawberry smoothie.  Today, unfortunately, I binged/purged but will be back to liquid fasting tomorrow.  Since my parents will be gone during the day, I can stay in my room for a while away from the kitchen and any temptation.  When they're home, I try to be social so my visit isn't wasted, but it makes me more prone to eating.  We also have a graduation party tomorrow night, and since I don't like eating in public, I can pretend I ate and sip on diet coke or something.  It should be a glorious day, and I want to step on the scale on Tuesday (when I'm back at college) to find that I lost more weight.  I had better break 145 by then...

The second thing I thought I should mention is about the book diet I'm starting on Tuesday.  Pretty much what happens is you read a book every week as a distraction and follow the diet plan.  The first two days are tea fasts, but I've been informed you can drink coffee instead or just zero calorie liquids.  I'm a huge coffee drinker, so that was important to me!  The next days are <400 cals of soft foods, but I can mention that later as the days draw near.

Thirdly, I should tell you that I got a pedicure, turned down ice cream (do a little dance! had sorbet instead but still...improvement?), and received a million compliments.  My little brother's friend is obsessed with me...literally.  My brother and mom tell me all the time how the guy talks about me 24/7 about how beautiful I am and whatnot.  He always wants to see me, but since I'm away at college it never happens.  I made his day today, apparently, because he got to say hi to me when I picked my little brother up from school.  It's funny that I get all these compliments, but I just can't see what they do.  When I look in the mirror, the person I see doesn't feel like me.  Not that I know what "me" really looks like anyway.  I thought I was ugly when I was little, and I think that concept has been so ingrained in my mind that I can't get over it.  I see pictures of myself and have this strange disconnection with it.  In fact, I hate pictures because they make me uncomfortable.  I think, "Is that really me?"  Unnerving.

Last night, I had a "lost my mind" moment, but I'll save that more tomorrow's musings because if my post is too long I feel like no one will want to read it!  Like my creepy dream post from the other day haha.  But anyway, took 4 laxatives, 2 diuretics, going to sleep (or trying to), and liquid fasting tomorrow...the bathroom and I will be great friends tonight...

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