Friday, June 18, 2010

Another Day

Okay, so I just need to make it through one more full day before I will have actually made it to 21 years of age.  I've never been able to imagine myself actually surviving that long, but I still have another day so you never know what can happen between now and then.  And no, I'm not going to kill myself or anything, I'm just stating a fact that the future is unknown.

I purged for, I don't know, the billionth day in a row?  I've been stuck at the same weight for about a week, and I guess considering how much I've been eating that's not so bad...still making me extra depressed though.  My heart hurt last night after purging because I was a little more ruthless to my body than usual.  I was dry heaving or throwing up water (no blood though even though that was my goal...don't ask), and afterwards my heart hurt and my stomach was gurgling strangely.  In fact, my stomach didn't stop hurting and gurgling until a few hours ago.  I only slept two hours last night and was doing well on coffee and diet coke until I binged and purged again...and my heart hurt AGAIN but I kept throwing up anyway.  I've never felt it beat so quickly before.  Usually it beats between 50 and 55 beats per minute, which is kinda slow I guess, especially if you take into account the massive amounts of caffeine I drink.  There's probably some connection between the two, but I thought caffeine speeds up your heart rate sooo not sure why mine is still so slow.  Sometimes I swear I can't feel it at all, but since I'm not dead it's clearly still beating in there somewhere.  Anyway, I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon, but you never really know until it's too late, you know?  I kind of wish I could just get a little "heart check up" to see how the poor little guy is holding up; I'm curious.  But that's not something you can really do without arousing suspicion, so I guess I'm out of luck.

A friend of mine texted me last night to inform me she and some other people are planning festivities for my 21st birthday Saturday night.  Normally, I would be flattered, but I suspect my mom (since our moms are friends) told her mom about my birthday and that's why my friend is doing this.  I HATE my birthday and always have.  I don't like the attention, and I'd much rather wait to party until the following weekend when it's no longer anything special.  I've always wanted to be 21, but I don't want to turn 21...if that makes sense.

I'm gonna go to bed because I'm fat, exhausted, sleepy, and miserable.  If anyone has any suggestions on the "thump thump" situation...(althought mine sounds more like thump...thump...thump...............thump), then feel free to let me know because I'm probably just being paranoid.  I'm not underweight, but my purging is probably the problem...and the fact that I haven't had a normal day of eating for over a's either restrict severely, fast, or binge/purge.  Terrible cycle, I know, but I'm used to it.

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