Saturday, February 20, 2010


I haven't felt this lost in such a long time, but here I am, sitting on my couch, trying to hold back the tears. I can't wait until my roommate leaves so I can relax a little bit because I don't want her to know how I'm feeling. I am the type of person who keeps her emotions under lock and key. I always try to seem like a really strong person, even if I'm breaking down inside, and I refuse to acknowledge defeat. There may be tears fighting to fall from my eyes, but I will NOT allow a single droplet to escape.

I just made an entire playlist (currently comprised of 57 songs and counting) dedicated to depression. I don't think I'm actually clinically depressed, but I felt the need to set the mood. My roommate was watching a sappy movie that I wanted to destroy, and I'm so relieved that I now have the Olympics on instead. I don't know if maybe I've just finally snapped or lost my control, but I feel as though I've slowly been losing my power over my emotions. Of course, when I say that, I actually mean that I'm losing the strength of pretending to be happy. It takes so much energy, and I'm starting to lose the willpower. Right now, I'd rather just sit here with an emotionless mask on my face and continue to be unamused by everything around me. This is the only outlet that I have to express myself because I can't actually talk to anyone. Hiding everything in my life is so difficult sometimes, but I don't know what else to do. I have never been good at expressing my feelings, so everything that happens in my life, with the exception of my daily activities that are superficial and boring, is kept inside. Is anyone else this secretive? I just can't imagine living any other way, but it tears me apart every once in a while. At the moment, I really wish there was someone to talk to, but I just can't.

And of course, one of the reasons for my current depression is my realization that I will truly die alone. I know I mentioned how I excited I was for my alleged date on Thursday, but, as usual, it fell through. I always tell myself that I'm just going to give up. Why expend any energy getting your hopes up when you know they're going to be dashed? Well, I still do get my hopes up...deep down...even though I know that things won't work out. But can you blame me? Whenever a guy with potential wants to go on a date, I can't help but wonder if maybe this will be it, if maybe this will be the one time that we actually get to go and have a good time. But no. Just like every other time, there is no date. And I still haven't heard from the guy from last week. If he didn't want to go, then why did he ask me in the first place out of the blue? I just let myself get walked all over every time. How do I protect myself from getting hurt? I would say that I just say no every time I am asked out, but there's always that small part of me that wonders if everything will finally work out.

If only I could silence that voice...because it never has worked out and it never will.

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