Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I'll be gone for 10 days!!!!

I'm leaving for Arizona for my spring break tomorrow, and I'll be without a computer (most likely) until NEXT Friday. If you want to contact me for any reason, I'm very open to it. I know that I'll be experiencing withdrawal from Pretty Thin, Doll Parts, and my blog and would love some inspiration. So if you send me a message, which I'm pretty sure is possible through this site and the others, then you can send me your number and be a texting buddy. You have until 11am tomorrow since I'm leaving for the airport at noon.

Here is my update for today, and I have come to the realization that my priorities in life are very skewed. Firstly, I have no sense of self preservation as I have mentioned before. In fact, it is my goal in life to be a complete mess. I'm not sure why that is, but I have always dreamt of having problems since I was little. And I think, in the end, that dream was in itself a problem because now I see that all of my mental instability has led me down this masochistic path. (I apologize for my lack of beautiful wording but my fingers are in a flurry...partly because I am eager to pack for my trip and partly because of the pills I just took.)

I did not sleep much last night, which made me susceptible to a binge. I am an extremist: I either starve or I binge and purge like crazy. There is no in between, and I have not had a "normal" day of eating in several months. In fact, I can't remember the last time I had an average day of between 1200 or 1500 calories (that is what I consider normal). Note that my "normal" day is still set so that the average person would still be losing weight...yeah...still not normal. But anyway, I binged on sweets and a pizza lunchable (random, I know, but there's something about a kid's meal that I love), and I threw it all up. I have always wanted to throw up until my throat burns and my stomach is empty. Today I succeeded. I looked at myself in the mirror, glassy eyed, seeing stars, and throat throbbing, and told myself, "You are fucking puking until there is blood." Yes, I literally said those exact words. I did not see any blood, but eventually I was dry heaving. I took a few sips of water, and that was all that came up on my next round. I have purged three times now in the past two days, but I have only really had one binge. I'm not bulimic and I'm not anorexic, but I certainly have strong tendencies towards both sides. And I'm self destructive either way.

And after throwing up, what did I do? I took a diet pill, two diuretics, and two cinnamon tablets. It won't kill me, but I did take it all on a supposedly empty stomach. As such, my fingers are flying in anticipation. This will be an interesting packing adventure. So, I will leave you to read post and PLEASE feel free to send me a message. Even though I rant, I am an open person and will send you lots of witty inspirational texts if you'd like. Make me feel loved :)

1 comment:

  1. I don't know how to send a message:/ But send me your number and I'll text you!

    xoxo distortedperception