Saturday, October 23, 2010


I feel like I have no friends.  There are people that I talk to, joke around with, see during the day...but when it comes down to actual friends, I have almost none.  My one friend is out of town this weekend, and now I don't know who to turn to.  Even my roommate doesn't seem to want to hang out with me.  I don't blame her, though, because truthfully, I don't even want to hang out with me.  It really sucks that I'm stuck with myself.

So my weekend has been reduced to one of work, studying (or staring at a book confusedly for a few hours), and practicing self destruction.  Speaking of which, I was perusing cvs because I needed contact solution, and I was going to look for something to snake our shower drain.  There wasn't anything there for the latter, but the aisle coincidentally had something that looked suspiciously like an exacto blade.  Naturally, that peaked my interest, and I found single razor blades next to it.  I bought them.  This was probably both a good and bad's definitely better than a knife but it cuts skin much easier so I should be somewhat careful.  I've just been sitting at my computer, listening to soft music with a tiny light on my desk, playing with this little baby blade, and staring as red just slowly seeps upwards.  It's oddly (and morbidly) fascinating.  I sound so creepy right now...

What's especially odd about me is the fact that I don't seem like the type to do this.  My coworkers always say I look like a fashion major, waltzing around in my sweaters, lacey garments, elaborate necklaces, and fancy scarves.  I laugh loudly, make sarcastic jokes, study my ass off, and act like a "classy" (not my own words) college girl.  And then I turn around, start cutting myself, still starving, sometimes bingeing and purging, abusing laxatives, diet pills, diuretics, sometimes ipecac...I don't even know who I am anymore.  Which person is real?  The one who acts (pretends?) cheerful and like she loves life or the one who spills her feelings on this blog, in journals, and in poems?  This is what I feel and it seems real, but...I'm just lost.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way, lovely.
    There are always going to be tough times and I know how it feels to feel lost, and feel as though everyone around you is fake.
    This is a point where you just have to move on and find someone who can be there for you to listen to you. Also, when you can be there for them.

    I'm also here if you need to talk to someone. Stay away from the blades <3