I think I was being overly sensitive yesterday because my roommate is talking to me again today and we're going out tonight. I bought chardonnay (delicious) to drink tonight; white wine is good for you. We went shopping a little bit to look around for things to wear, but of course, nothing fit me....well, that's kind of a lie. Things fit me, but I just don't like how I looked in the clothing. Without a car, I have to go to the only two available stores on my college campus, and they are filled with the kind of clothing that just isn't good for my body. It tried on larges in everything, and it was all too big. I knew it would be, but for some reason I just can't pick up a medium. It's a mental thing, maybe. I'm afraid that if I try on a medium, it will be way too small. But logically, since the larges were way too big...whatever.
So I'm probably just going to wear pants, a sweater, a scarf...my usual. I have to cover every inch of skin I have for some unknown reason. I mean, I can't wear short sleeves for obvious reasons, but my legs are just hideous, so naturally, I can't wear a skirt or dress unless I have on tights as well. I prefer to wear jeans that are stretched out so that no one can see my form, and oversized sweaters are excellent. I feel so exposed if I only have on one layer of clothing. And while I get compliments on my clothes and outfits during the day, my friends (the few that I have) don't like it when I wear such conservative clothing to bars. They say that's why I don't get hit on, but I think the reason I don't get hit on is because I unconsciously give off this, "Stay the fuck away from me," vibe. I do have a tendency to assume every guy at a bar is a creep because they're at a bar...which is ridiculous because so am I. So I continue to look down on them as I sip my chardonnay or kettle one and wonder why no decent guy is hitting on me. I'm such a hypocrite sometimes.
And I'm sorry about the whole razor thing. I really do wish I could stop that, but it's already sitting beside me because I feel like such a fuck up right now. I'll try not to mention it too much so that you don't feel the need to worry, but I'd like to thank you for all your support regardless. I'll definitely let you know if I need someone to talk to. Because I can't tell anyone around me since once the cat's out of the bag you can't stuff it back in, but it would be nice just to have someone to confide in.