Secrets

I usually post later in the day, but I couldn't help the thoughts that were running through my head as I was cleaning my room earlier. I am fortunate to have a roommate that respects personal space at the moment because I realized that I have many things around my room that would be detrimental to my life if she were to find them. My mom has found diet pills before that I kept stashed underneath my mattress. She also found a letter from one of my friends in high school who was telling me that I could talk to her about anything...depression, eating disorders, etc. Fortunately, I was at college when these discoveries occurred, so by the time I came home for break, the panic it had set off in my mother was greatly lessened. I thought I hid things well, and who would have thought that my mom would decide to clean everything on my bed while I was away, including lifting the mattress? I don't keep anything stashed there anymore.

Clearly, however, I have not learned my lesson. I have this blog, for example, diet pills in my purse, apple cider vinegar under my bed, a membership to Pretty Thin, and a whole binder dedicated to Ana. Sometimes when I need inspiration, I write my thoughts down and put it in the binder, or I copy quotes, diet recipes, tips and tricks, etc. It helps me stay motivated, but it would ruin everything if it were found. I have even left it out in the open on occasion -- or rather, frequently. But as I said, my roommate doesn't just open things up that aren't hers, and I am very grateful for that. I would never look at her personal things either, but there are a lot of prying people out there so you never know sometimes.

I am an extremely private person. The only person that I tell my problems to is my mom, but I still lie about most things to her. Is it really terrible that I have grown to be an exceptional liar? Sometimes I think I should pursue acting because of it. Anyway, I don't like to for people to worry or meddle in things that do not affect their life. As such, I simply cannot confide in anyway because past experience has taught me that friends cannot just let things go. They won't just let you vent and be understanding. Instead, they decide to make you a charity case, always asking to see what you've eaten or how you're feeling...or if you're really unlucky, as I was in high school, they may seek professional guidance (ugh). People fear what they don't understand, and I would definitely be a puzzle.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I felt like posting something deep today.

And it's the fourth day of the ABC diet, so it's a 400 calorie limit. I haven't had anything except my daily vitamins and calcium and a special treat (ie. diet pill).