Confused!

I've been riding an emotional roller coaster lately, and it's really frustrating. One moment I feel so alone and like I'm completely isolated from society. I don't have a tight knit group of friends because I flit around between large groups of people, never letting anyone get too close. I can't tell if my cheery facade is real, if I'm actually happy but making myself think I'm depressed, or am I truly twisted and just smile to hide what's really going on in my head? I no longer can tell what's real and what's not. I keep a written journal, too, that I write in throughout the day, and none of the entries would ever be written by a normal 20 year old college student with no deep emotional problems. But still, I find it so difficult to accept that I could potentially have something wrong with me. I guess I'd rather just ignore the problem and pretend like everything is fine than face the truth. My dreams and illusions are so much easier to handle than the suicidal and masochistic tendencies that I tend to exude throughout my daily life.

Does anyone else feel like that sometimes? I feel like it's all just in my head...no pun intended...but, of course, it is technically all in my head regardless haha.

And I wanted to thank everyone who reads this blog. It's just nice to be able to vent out some frustrations sometimes because I have no one else to turn to. Hopefully, my emotional downward spiraling does not end up becoming too overwhelming, but I haven't hit rock bottom yet. I think I was worse for a while back in high school, but I'm definitely headed in that direction fast. At least then I had a friend to talk to...oh well, I'll just have to be strong. I just feel so lost right now.