Thursday, March 4, 2010


I've thought a lot about why I have so many problems. The thoughts that run through my head are disturbing at best, and my bizarre dreams are reflections on that. When I was little, I never really dreamed of being a princess, whisked away by a handsome prince who saved her from a medieval castle to live happily ever after. No, I had dreams that I was a master assassin or bounty hunter, known for being the best. In my dream, I could hide in the shadows, leap across buildings, and hit my mark with absolute precision. I'm not a violent person, and I would never kill anyone. I don't even like killing insects. So why did I always have these fantasies about being a warrior? Maybe I just wanted to be strong and feel like nothing could ever hurt me.

But there's other things that bother me. From what I've read, doctors and psychiatrists always say that people who suffer from, say, depression, or eating disorders are in such states because of the stress happening in their lives. A lot of times people have serious problems or never had a good family life. Some people were abused or have parents that have substance addictions. But I never had that. My mom and dad are still madly in love with one another, and I come from a very tight knit family. I love both my parents dearly. My older brother is the typical protective sibling who never likes the idea of me talking to any male, and my little brother is the comic relief and I feel like he's my best friend whenever I come home from college over breaks. I'm sure we drive my mom crazy with our banter. My family belongs to a country club, and my mom always wants me to wear nice clothes, especially ones from J. Crew. She loves it when I wear pearls, trousers, cardigans, etc. I tend to have two styles...that one and my Anthropologie addiction. It's one of my favorite stores; everything is so detailed and unique. It's too bad I don't have a bottomless wallet or else I would shop there all the time.

My point here is that I feel so guilty when I hear about all these obstacles that other people face in life. I have no reason to complain, no reason to be sad, and no reason to have any type of mental problem. My life should be considered perfect, but for some reason I feel as though it's always falling apart.

1 comment:

  1. So as you know I have to re-type my comment, cause of my stupid phone. :( So it probably wont be as intense as the first one....

    Cory, you are you and you cant be no body else. Even if you try hard, you are still Cory.
    you have a good family, maybe your perspective on yourself is different because of your perfect family, I don't know.
    But what I am trying to get at is that no one is the perfect stereotypical ana. Like while reading wasted, the things Marya did when she was my age, like sex and drugs are far what I have in mind. But does that make me not ana?
    maybe something else triggered your mind that made you the way you are.
    You shouldn't feel guilty about about your family, you should feel privileged. The fact that I have an older brother that loves me and we never fight is good enough for me to say that I happy with what I have. Some people are more privileged than others. But it's who they are and what they have to offer is whats most important. Like say if you were a stuck up bitch, bragging about what clothes you wear, how skinny you are and thinking that you are the best in the world, then I don't think anyone would actually like you. But when you are going through this journey with us; failing and achieving, and being you, with a good family and messed up life at the same time. We all have something in common there.
    We are all striving to be perfect; to be in control. To show others that we are strong enough that this is a piece of cake when we know the struggles that we have been through were an emotional roller coaster and yet we don't let anyone down.

    Cannot wait for our fast tomorrow girlie (:
    arii <3