Thursday, January 14, 2010


While I was treating myself to a yogurt earlier today during my awkward hour break between classes, I had these random thoughts that I wrote down to kill time:

"I don't really like feeling like this.  I would give anything to feel like a typical 20-year-old college student who doesn't feel like her world is crumbling apart.  But those aren't the cards I was dealt.  I don't like to think that I chose this fate for myself, but I'm sure that's how the world would view it.  I'm not alone though.  There are a lot of other girls like me who suffer just as I do.  The problem is:  we suffer in silence.  Sure, we have forums, chat rooms, blogs, but we never actually know each other.  We don't know what makes each other smile, what makes us cry, and and what we want most in life.  All we know is what our numbers were that day and how much more we have to lose.

"I used to think that I would do everything within reason to lose weight.  But now I am fully aware that I was only deluding myself.  Now I know the truth:  I will do anything to lose weight.  The long term effects of my actions are not completely lost on me, but they don't bother me enough to really care.

"Sometimes I think that I'm walking through life in a trance.  It's like an out-of-body experience.  I'm in such pain, and my mind feels on the verge of shattering that I can't believe that this could possibly truly be me.  How could I have morphed form a happy little girl to this sick and twisted shell of a body?  Where does time go, I wonder...I don't know when my last life ended and this began.  It feels like this life is all I've ever known.

"Maybe, perhaps, in my far distant future, I will finally know how it feels to wake up one morning, full of life and energy, with the morning rays shining on my face.  I will be eager for the day to begin, as if I'm living the dream.  But instead, I wake up, begging the dream to continue, and pleading for my eyes to remain closed as the hum of the birds singing turns into a sharp screech and gentle rays of the sun are burning my eyelids, enhancing the dull throbbing of my head as I drift back to consciousness.  All dreaming ends, and eventually I have to accept that it is a new day.  I am once again torn away from my dream land, knowing it will be a full day before I can return to my temporary world of peace.  But for now, I must battle another wave of dizziness that threatens to overcome me as I slowly rise out of bed like a corpse.

"And the pain begins."

Clearly, I like to write, since I managed to write all that as I was sitting in a cafe and trying to ignore the headache that was raging.  I had other random thoughts later, but those probably won't be written down until I'm super bored again.  And I should probably get rid of that page of random thoughts from my notebook...just in case someone sees it.  

Til next time.

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