Confusion

I'm so confused...confused about what I'm doing, confused about my future, confused about my life.  I used to think I had it all together.  I knew where I was going and what I wanted to do, but now I just want to go somewhere, anywhere, to escape this "life" that I've created for myself.  Everything feels like it's out of control, which is probably because I haven't eaten as well these past few days.  I know that once I get this particular aspect of my life back together, I will feel much better.  I went to the grocery store and bought water, diet pop, antacids, and puffed wheat (my staples).  I also bought ice cream, took two bites, and then squirted it with febreeze.  It promptly went into the trash can along with half the other food I happened to have in my cabinets.  I think most of my money goes towards food that gets thrown away.

Sometimes I feel like I want help because I'm so miserable.  I haven't seen my friends in months...I think the last time was January actually.  I'm so used to solitude, but that doesn't mean I'm actually happy.  A part of me is scared about what I'm doing with my life and a part of me is scared about what I'd be doing if I was actually okay.  I'm afraid of change, even if I know deep down that's what I need.

I always inwardly roll my eyes when other girls complain about being hungry, thinking that they don't know what hunger really is.  I always thought I knew exactly what hunger meant and what full meant, but now I have no idea!  If I feel full after drinking too much water or diet pop, then I suddenly think I have consumed too much.  I just spent the past twenty minutes shoving my fingers down my throat, mostly because I drank a whole bottle of water.  But all that water made me feel so full, and I panicked.  So now I ask myself:  Do I really know what hunger and full really means?

And one more thought before I stop this long post.  I've clearly had way too much time to think sitting here in my apartment alone.  (My roommate is in Chicago for the weekend for a school thing).  I got so many compliments today at work.  I was all dressed up in heels, curled my long hair, did my make up, wore a high waisted skirt, cute top, etc.  I kind of felt okay looking (ish), but mostly I just felt fat.  I love my eyes and my cheekbones, but that's it.  A lot of people stare at me, and it makes me feel like they're judging me.  They're thinking, "Wow, she really needs to go on a diet," or "Look at that whale."  I wish they'd stop looking at me; I just want to be invisible.  Maybe I'm pretty like people tell me, but honestly, I think they're just trying to console me or make me feel less ugly.  I just kind of wish I could actually feel beautiful for once.  Doesn't everyone deserve that feeling?

Now I'm crying.