Friday, April 16, 2010


I'm so confused...confused about what I'm doing, confused about my future, confused about my life.  I used to think I had it all together.  I knew where I was going and what I wanted to do, but now I just want to go somewhere, anywhere, to escape this "life" that I've created for myself.  Everything feels like it's out of control, which is probably because I haven't eaten as well these past few days.  I know that once I get this particular aspect of my life back together, I will feel much better.  I went to the grocery store and bought water, diet pop, antacids, and puffed wheat (my staples).  I also bought ice cream, took two bites, and then squirted it with febreeze.  It promptly went into the trash can along with half the other food I happened to have in my cabinets.  I think most of my money goes towards food that gets thrown away.

Sometimes I feel like I want help because I'm so miserable.  I haven't seen my friends in months...I think the last time was January actually.  I'm so used to solitude, but that doesn't mean I'm actually happy.  A part of me is scared about what I'm doing with my life and a part of me is scared about what I'd be doing if I was actually okay.  I'm afraid of change, even if I know deep down that's what I need.

I always inwardly roll my eyes when other girls complain about being hungry, thinking that they don't know what hunger really is.  I always thought I knew exactly what hunger meant and what full meant, but now I have no idea!  If I feel full after drinking too much water or diet pop, then I suddenly think I have consumed too much.  I just spent the past twenty minutes shoving my fingers down my throat, mostly because I drank a whole bottle of water.  But all that water made me feel so full, and I panicked.  So now I ask myself:  Do I really know what hunger and full really means?

And one more thought before I stop this long post.  I've clearly had way too much time to think sitting here in my apartment alone.  (My roommate is in Chicago for the weekend for a school thing).  I got so many compliments today at work.  I was all dressed up in heels, curled my long hair, did my make up, wore a high waisted skirt, cute top, etc.  I kind of felt okay looking (ish), but mostly I just felt fat.  I love my eyes and my cheekbones, but that's it.  A lot of people stare at me, and it makes me feel like they're judging me.  They're thinking, "Wow, she really needs to go on a diet," or "Look at that whale."  I wish they'd stop looking at me; I just want to be invisible.  Maybe I'm pretty like people tell me, but honestly, I think they're just trying to console me or make me feel less ugly.  I just kind of wish I could actually feel beautiful for once.  Doesn't everyone deserve that feeling?

Now I'm crying.

1 comment:

  1. I have found out either in experience or in books that people look at you when you are really skinny, either that you are too skinny, or that they actually love the way you look.
    I don't think people would actually think 'Oh she looks horrible today, let me complement her just so I can get the fun out of it' they are usually its; 'she looks different than any of the other days and she actually does look good, let me complement her' Especially when you are wearing heels, there's always a complement there.
    And when you change dramatically from sweats to this get up then people will notice and like it. Even if you are a size 12, people will like that you don't look like a scrub for once.
    Sorry for this comment being all about one thing in your post, but I bet you are beautiful.
    Especially your personality, it is really pretty.
    even when you are depressed, you have this nice, kid tone in your voice.
    So that's why i think that EVERY complement you got was real and not about your weight being bad. i think you need to think positive and go to work like that tomorrow.
    And if you count how many people look at you;
    are they giving you the stink eye. (for being too skinny)
    The concerned look (for being overweight -even thought you are not-!)
    Or they just staring with jealousy... and you know why they would be.
    And also count ALL of the complements.
    and remember what they are. Then think, is it because I am fat? Or is it just my ED talking?