I'm so confused...confused about what I'm doing, confused about my future, confused about my life. I used to think I had it all together. I knew where I was going and what I wanted to do, but now I just want to go somewhere, anywhere, to escape this "life" that I've created for myself. Everything feels like it's out of control, which is probably because I haven't eaten as well these past few days. I know that once I get this particular aspect of my life back together, I will feel much better. I went to the grocery store and bought water, diet pop, antacids, and puffed wheat (my staples). I also bought ice cream, took two bites, and then squirted it with febreeze. It promptly went into the trash can along with half the other food I happened to have in my cabinets. I think most of my money goes towards food that gets thrown away.
Sometimes I feel like I want help because I'm so miserable. I haven't seen my friends in months...I think the last time was January actually. I'm so used to solitude, but that doesn't mean I'm actually happy. A part of me is scared about what I'm doing with my life and a part of me is scared about what I'd be doing if I was actually okay. I'm afraid of change, even if I know deep down that's what I need.
I always inwardly roll my eyes when other girls complain about being hungry, thinking that they don't know what hunger really is. I always thought I knew exactly what hunger meant and what full meant, but now I have no idea! If I feel full after drinking too much water or diet pop, then I suddenly think I have consumed too much. I just spent the past twenty minutes shoving my fingers down my throat, mostly because I drank a whole bottle of water. But all that water made me feel so full, and I panicked. So now I ask myself: Do I really know what hunger and full really means?
And one more thought before I stop this long post. I've clearly had way too much time to think sitting here in my apartment alone. (My roommate is in Chicago for the weekend for a school thing). I got so many compliments today at work. I was all dressed up in heels, curled my long hair, did my make up, wore a high waisted skirt, cute top, etc. I kind of felt okay looking (ish), but mostly I just felt fat. I love my eyes and my cheekbones, but that's it. A lot of people stare at me, and it makes me feel like they're judging me. They're thinking, "Wow, she really needs to go on a diet," or "Look at that whale." I wish they'd stop looking at me; I just want to be invisible. Maybe I'm pretty like people tell me, but honestly, I think they're just trying to console me or make me feel less ugly. I just kind of wish I could actually feel beautiful for once. Doesn't everyone deserve that feeling?
Now I'm crying.