Monday, June 13, 2011


I received the greatest of all compliments a few days ago (Saturday, to be exact).  My mom told me that I was "getting really skinny".  Wow.  I almost can't believe it, even typing it now.  Unfortunately, as amazing as that felt, I am still waiting for the day that I'm actually really skinny.  Because if you think about it, she could simply, and probably is, be comparing me to the whale that I was before.  So instead of being a whale, I'm more like a dolphin or maybe a small porpoise...Either way, I'm still large.

Moving on, something has been troubling me a little lately, and that's my increasing paranoia.  Everyone, I'm sure (though I don't know) has moments where they are paranoid, but I wonder sometimes how much is truly normal.  I always assume that when something bad happens, it's my fault, or if people are speaking in hushed voices, it's because they're talking about me.  But I think that's normal.  What mildly concerns me is the intense anxiety that I feel when, say, I'm boiling something or watching this vacuum filtration system (if you know what that shit) at work and imaging all the ways it's about to explode, splash all over me, shatter, and kill me.  I think the same thing when I'm in a car, driving over a bridge, on an airplane, etc.  I never used to have these little visions, but now I can't stop them.

Also, my dreams are always chaotic, creepy, and violent.  Flashes of horror cross my mind, and they don't go away no matter how hard I try to think of something else.  Eventually they fade and I fall asleep or else I am plagued by terrific nightmares the entire night.  I'm not sure why these thoughts overtake me, and I have no idea how to get them to go away.  Is this just normal, too?  Then again, I am the person who envisions herself offing herself on a daily basis...not that I'm planning on doing that (so no one worry yet), but the image itself does cross my mind quite frequently.  Like I said, I can't control my thoughts, and they're rather disturbing.

At least I'm not hearing voices.

1 comment:

  1. I'm the exact same way its really weird I have horrific nightmares also and can relate to the paranoid feelings you have towards people around you, you're the first person I've met who is like me