Tuesday, May 18, 2010

crawling out of the rut

I hate it when I get in these ruts, and it feels like the whole is so deep that I need a ladder to get out.  Unfortunately, I cannot seem to find this ladder, or when I do, I end up falling off.  Part of the problem, I believe, is that my mom keeps insisting that I will be happier once I drop 15 lbs.  I, of course, know this to be a lie, and her pressuring me is making me binge.  I think tomorrow I am going to tell her to stop nagging me.  The fact is that I need to lose weight for me and me alone, and her adding to the pressure is really hindering my progress.  I do the best when my parents have no idea that I'm dieting (which I always am anyway or trying to at least), and then they are shocked and pleased when I come home.  Perhaps I just like the element of surprise.  Shock and Awe.  Or Shock and Frighten, that would be better.  I would love to be so thin that I am covering myself in layers to hide the weight loss as supposed to hiding my fat body...it's my dream.

This is the one thing that I can call my own, and I am really good at losing weight.  The problem is keeping it off.  I know that I can easily drop 10 lbs by memorial weekend, but I just need to gear up and stop worrying about...well, I don't even know what I'm worrying about!  There's something nagging me in the bag of my mind, and it's bothering me...I swear it's my mom's voice, saying, "Oh, you're just always happier when you're thinner."  I can hear it now, and in fact, I heard it yesterday.  But I need for her to stop because I like to keep my food habits in my own little personal bubble, separate from the world and away from the nagging queen.  Does anyone else feel like this?  You'd think this so called "support" would be beneficial, but not for me.  Probably because I can never tell her what I actually ate...she'd be horrified.  She'd probably be even more horrified if she found out I throw up almost every day...like today...in the medical center bathroom...ironic, yes?  Felt a little guilty about that but only a smidgen.

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