It's been a while since I last posted, primarily because I didn't have a functioning computer but also because I've been so disappointed in myself. I get in slumps, and lately I've started plummeting again. I gained 5lbs, though still weigh less than I did in college, and I'm about to start graduate school. I'm in a small town, and I know I'm going to find it difficult to learn to establish real relationships. Eventually, someday, I will stop running from the world. But for now, I'm still picking up my heavy feet and sprinting towards a place that I don't yet know.
I recently bought razors again even though I've almost made a year (if you discount one moment of curiosity). I still have the scars, and I cannot wear short sleeves. I also have a random scar in the shape of a star on my hip...that one I still don't understand. Sometimes I use a blade because I'm ashamed of myself, but sometimes I use it merely because I feel like it. Perhaps if I sat down and pondered my actions, I would come up with a more concrete reason for my moments of absurdity, but I don't have time nor do I care. It wouldn't make a difference.
I have been running on little sleep, and I am exhausted. And yet, I am awake in the middle of the night. I have a tendency to delay going to sleep in order to postpone tomorrow. Maybe that's a sign of depression, but I've been like this all my life and have accepted who I am. I am an outwardly relaxed, go-with-the-flow kind of girl, but on the inside I'm a paranoid, terrified nut. If I had the motivation, I would explain one of my most recent episodes of paranoia. Looking back on it, I should probably keep it to myself because it's embarrassing, illogical, and potentially damaging to my fake semblence of sanity.
Meanwhile, goodnight and sweet dreeams. I will post an update on my newest diet creation and some new poems that I have spun recently. I apologize for the delay, and I hope someone is still interested in reading something.