Hmmm

I just had my period for 1.5 days.  It's over now.  Phew!  I really don't enjoy having it, but I know that I shouldn't complain when I get it only occasionally and never have it for more than a couple of days.  It's a natural part of life, but I tend to have a strong dislike for these things.  I don't like eating, sleeping, drinking water, breathing...they're all just necessities that seem to get in my way.  Unfortunately, I try to go without these things for as long as I can or minimize them as much as possible (and yes, that includes breathing), but it never ends well.  I try to eat meager amounts until I binge, I try to be an insomniac until I'm hallucinating and falling asleep while walking, I ignore drinking water until my brain feels like it's bleeding because of dehydration, and I try to take shallow breaths or hold it until I eventually am forced to take a deep one.

I know it seems strange that these things bother me, but I can't help it.  I just feel weak and, well, so human when I have to sleep or have to drink or have to breathe.  Why can't I be better, stronger, and not so ordinary?  I could never complain to someone that I'm hungry, like a girl at work is always doing, because I want to have the strength to ignore that irritating (and yet, morbidly pleasant) rumbling and burning in my stomach.  It's a matter of mental strength, a battle of will.  If I want to believe that I'm not hungry, then damn it, I'm going to convince myself of it.  I think I do a decent job convincing myself of things that aren't real or true; that's part of the reason why my thoughts terrify me sometimes.  I worry that eventually I will convince myself of something that is terrible or will be the death of me.  Until then...

I'll post another poem soon, by the way.  The last one I literally typed in 5 minutes out of sheer boredom, but I'd like to write another one that I actually edit and check for some kind of flow.  I have a penchant for poetry when I'm lonely at night...there's a lot stored on my computer in the most random of places.