Midnight Drabbles

I think I could be beautiful given time.
I think I could be happy given time.
I think I would cherish my time spent in the right state of mind.

I think I could be lovely given time.
I think I could be perfect given time.
But I have so much work left to do that I think the hourglass would empty too soon.

And my future looks bleak; I've fallen in too deep.
 And I've lost the rope to get me out of here.
Throw me a new one; please someone throw me a lifeline
Before I run out of time.

I think I could be careful given time.
I think I could be wiser given time
I think I would listen to my own advice if I could trust myself.

I think I could deter sadness given time.
I think I could deter madness given time.
Forget all this nonsense; draw my own lines of what I want in my life.

And I choose to be lost, and I choose to not be found.
I run from grace and hide from the ones who want to save me.
I'll wish upon a shooting star, wishing I could shoot that far.
Fly straight into another galaxy.

Falling off the bandwagon

I've been trying to lose weight. What's new?

Note that the key word is trying. Yes, I have lost 5 pounds, but does it count as a loss when there was an initial gain in the first place? I should never have had 5 pounds to lose! In fact, I should never have been this size to begin with. Fat is inversely proportional to self-discipline, so here I am, lacking all self-control. I already take up so much space in this world, and I feel greedy, selfish, imposing, and so unworthy of all the room that I am keeping to myself. It just seems so unfair sometimes that I am like this, and I feel as though if I were smaller that I would be more respected, would receiver fewer stares, and perhaps finally be lost amongst the crowd. But at 5'7", all 140 lbs of me can be spotted all too easily. For once, I don't want to be remembered as the fat friend, always looked upon with pity and sympathetic glances.

And while I know that there is a way to accomplish this--eating healthily, exercising, drinking water, and sleeping...so many of those things I refuse to do. I lie awake at night, intentionally preventing myself from falling asleep in order to put off tomorrow. I rarely drink water because I spend too much time drinking coffee to make up for my lack of sleep.I don't eat healthily because I either feel too guilty to eat or I binge/purge. And I struggle to exercise because when starving, I have too little energy, and after purging, I am too dizzy.

The result is me in a constant state of denial, depression, and guilt. My mind is always thinking about all the things I've done wrong and concocting grandiose plans to fix my problems. When I see that my teeth are rotting, I grow concerned solely because of the high price it will cost me to get it fixed. And when my chest hurts, I idly wonder if it's merely a bruised rib or potentially a heart problem developing. I know how I will feel, and I know I will feel worse. And yet, I can't imagine my life without this because this is all I've truly known. It's become a part of me that I've grown to accept and hate, though I can't let it go. Who would I be without my insanity? Who would I be if I slept peacefully? Who would I be if I didn't envision shadows and phantoms behind me, threatening to swallow me whole?

I can't imagine my life as anything but what it is. The only thing I can do is remember that tomorrow is a brand new day, and despite my efforts, I will wake up to the same guilty feeling, the same self-destructive pattern, and all around, the same old agonizing shame.

Thoughts In A Melody

Do you ever feel like you're going around through life, watching yourself from the sidelines? I do. All the time.

I feel like I'm watching a movie, where I'm not even the star of my own show, and I'm screaming at myself as I helplessly watch mistakes being made again and again. For someone who pretends to have control over her life, I sure as hell am losing my mind. I don't know who governs my actions, but it doesn't seem to be me.

There are so many people in this world, and I can't come to terms that we are each in one reality, living our lives separately and seeing the world through different pairs of eyes. It boggles my mind.

I should be studying for one of two tests that I have coming tomorrow, but here I am, typing away and putting off the inevitable. I am back to my college habits of hiding in my room, writing lyrics and poems and twisted words in the middle of the night, dreaming unending nightmares that create haunted visions in my head, and delaying the realities of the future that lays before me. Sometimes I feel that I can twist the world to suit my needs, playing naive and rejecting that which I choose not to believe. But unfortunately, I can only live in my head for so long before the world comes crashing back in and tears me down. My words, even now, don't even make sense, and they're written in melodies and whispering rhymes, flowing from my fingertips. I am quickly losing my last grips on reality, and I don't know how long it will be before it is lost completely.

I am trying to write words that are just words in sentence-form, but no matter what I do, they seem to rhyming. And that's part of what scares me, because my thoughts are just mixing up into one long, depressing song.

And it's frightening me.

Lyrics

As usual, when I have nothing to say, I post lyrics that came to my mind. In my head, there's a melody, but for you, it can be anything you want it to be.


I'm free falling through my dreams
Feeling the wind under me
I'm flying through the sky
Like a bird with a broken wing
Fix me, I can barely breathe
The air is choking me
Heal me, I can barely stand
This disfigured form of me
Hold me like a treasure that you'll never let go
Treat me like your own precious pot of gold
I'm hiding at the end of a fading rainbow
Buried beneath the ground, waiting to be found.
See me as an enchanted island -- a deep mystery
Search for me at the bottom of the sea
For I have silver and golden gems
To give you in return

Please find me before I've drown

Old Habits Die Hard

I'm back.

It's been a while since I last posted, primarily because I didn't have a functioning computer but also because I've been so disappointed in myself. I get in slumps, and lately I've started plummeting again. I gained 5lbs, though still weigh less than I did in college, and I'm about to start graduate school. I'm in a small town, and I know I'm going to find it difficult to learn to establish real relationships. Eventually, someday, I will stop running from the world. But for now, I'm still picking up my heavy feet and sprinting towards a place that I don't yet know.

I recently bought razors again even though I've almost made a year (if you discount one moment of curiosity). I still have the scars, and I cannot wear short sleeves. I also have a random scar in the shape of a star on my hip...that one I still don't understand. Sometimes I use a blade because I'm ashamed of myself, but sometimes I use it merely because I feel like it. Perhaps if I sat down and pondered my actions, I would come up with a more concrete reason for my moments of absurdity, but I don't have time nor do I care. It wouldn't make a difference.

I have been running on little sleep, and I am exhausted. And yet, I am awake in the middle of the night. I have a tendency to delay going to sleep in order to postpone tomorrow. Maybe that's a sign of depression, but I've been like this all my life and have accepted who I am. I am an outwardly relaxed, go-with-the-flow kind of girl, but on the inside I'm a paranoid, terrified nut. If I had the motivation, I would explain one of my most recent episodes of paranoia. Looking back on it, I should probably keep it to myself because it's embarrassing, illogical, and potentially damaging to my fake semblence of sanity.

Meanwhile, goodnight and sweet dreeams. I will post an update on my newest diet creation and some new poems that I have spun recently. I apologize for the delay, and I hope someone is still interested in reading something.

more fruitless words in my wilted mind

I'm like a bird flying against the wind,
struggling to keep control of my wings.
     I can only hope that my dreams won't be lost
     as the blackened clouds roll in.


     I'm like an insect fighting against the storm,
     the pestilence the world abhors.
          But I only wish that the things I hold dear
          won't be crushed by what I hear.


               I'm like a fish swimming in the sea,
               surrounded by others within in reach.
                    Yet I'm drowning; I can't breathe.
                    Loneliness is drowning me.


And I can't distinguish between fantasy and reality;
I cannot find the line between what is wrong or right.

Sun, Sun, Go Away. Leave My Misery For Another Day.

Sometimes when it rains, I can't help but smile.  It's like the sky can feel my pain and the clouds want to cry. Why give the sun all the glory when it always shines so bright.  Up and down it goes, always the same.  Up and down it rises and sets to bring another day.  How I'd wish it away.  The sun doesn't feel my pain; it doesn't cry in sympathy.  The Sun, you'll never know tragedy.