Crossroads

I received a distressing text from a friend of mine today, a girl with whom I spill my heart but have never met.  It's funny sometimes how we can connect better with people that aren't within physical reach. Perhaps it's the physical boundaries that make things easier to say...we can write our emotions without seeing the judgment on the other's face and without needing to answer the difficult questions that we'd rather shrug off and cast aside.  But the problem is that when the nights are lonely and we sit in the dark, it's the friends that are physically around us that we need. The ones that we don't have.  And yet, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

My point, however, was that she informed me that she wanted to kill herself last night.  Words cannot describe how relieved I am that she was able to text me today; she is the one person who I've come to rely on and the only one I can count on to give me strength when I feel alone, though miles away.  It's times like these when I sit and really think about what my life has become because I can sit in my room in the dark, staring at a razor, telling someone not to do it while fantasizing about my own demise.  I know that I am a hypocrite; we all are.  But I don't think that matters.  The fact is that we all face difficult times at different times, and it's up to us to try to help one another when we need it.  Maybe we just need a little guidance.  And as I told her:  When the days are dark, we just need someone to shine a little light.  Because while those bright days are few and far between, they're the ones we need to remember and the ones that make life worth living.

I myself find myself in a confusing predicament.  So often I think about dying, picturing myself driving into a semi on a highway, eyeing a bottle of sleeping pills, or pondering the outcome of pouring nail polish remover down my throat.  None of those sound particularly appealing, but at the same time, I am a curious being.  But I think of how permanent such an action would be, and I can't decide if it's what I truly want.  I think a part of me still holds onto that small sliver of hope that this isn't all that life is about; it will be different one day.  And so, I stand here on a beaten path at a fork in the road:  one leads to death and the other leads to life; and they both look about the same.  Do I want to die or do I just not want to live?  Or is it the other way around?  

For now, I will just continue on with my life until I figure it out.

Hello

I have a lot of things to say, but no will to type them at the moment.  So instead, I'll post the little blurb I just wrote, and I hope you enjoy it until tomorrow when I write something else.

Paralyzed, I've lost my way, frightened by the future.

My fear, it grips me and holds me hostage with my hands bound behind me.

I'm chained to a wall in a basement alone, stuck without a key.

Never mind that I'm a captive because the kidnapper was me.

I can hear the sound of a river nearby, flowing ever softly.

The birds are chirping and I know it must be spring all over again

A year has come and gone, nothing has changed; I'm still insane.

So here I hide, fenced in by cement, finding comfort in my pain.

I've heard it said that this is the prime of my life.

If that's true, I don't want to know what's next.

This is what dreams were made for, and this is why the stars are shining

because we all need a little hope to make it through the night.

I'm waiting for my wishes to come true, but my sky is black;

I only hope the stars are still out there for you.

Breathless, I blink the tears away, mixing with the rain.

The clouds are crying with me, the world's heart is breaking in pieces.

People are rushing by me but all I see are nameless, blurry faces,

blending together like a painter's palette, colors lost in traces.

Wise words told me that I'll wish for youth sometime

but that doesn't help when now I wish I was dead.

This is what dreams were made for, and this is why the stars are shining

because we all need a little hope to make it through the night.

I'm waiting for my wishes to come true, but my sky is black;

I only hope the stars are still out there for you.

One day I'll escape the city to find my own beacon,

because these ones aren't working for me.

Maybe I'll fly to Alaska just to see the northern lights, 

so they can work their magic and ignite my life.

And if you hope enough and if you don't give up,

when I fall in endless sleep, I'll ask for a shooting star to bring luck to you.

Swimming in Air

I can't believe I haven't updated in such a long time, and I apologize to anyone who actually cares.  Not a lot has happened in my life that I really can tell you; it's just the same things day after day.  I did take a different daily vitamin than I usually do this morning, on an empty stomach like always, and I must say, I wouldn't recommend it unless you want to start off your day throwing up.  Fortunately, my stomach barely managed to remain where it was, which I was grateful for given that I was en route to work.  That would be an awkward moment in the car...if I'm home, however, then I will probably purposely take it to see if it actually works destroys my stomach.  I've also heard taking a shot of straight cinnamon does the same thing.  I'll test it for you this weekend and let you know.

Throughout my day, though, I couldn't help but notice that I felt like I was walking through water or swimming in air.  Perhaps that's because of my confusion between reality and dreams, but sometimes the days just don't seem real.  Or my head was just too fuzzy. Regardless, it's an odd feeling that I seem to experience every day, and I'm idly wondering when I'll finally wake up. Or do I even want to?  I'm torn between believing life is a brutal existence and utterly pointless and believing life should be valued and enjoyed for its shortness.

What is easier: accepting misery or wishing for something you'll never have?

And here today I was calling someone a Debby Downer at work...he claimed he was just being realistic (which is always what I say after someone accuses me of being a pessimist). I'm such a damn hypocrite.  At least I know it, I suppose.

A little song I wrote...

...I don't think radios would play this.

Hear me cry, watch me fall through this endless pit I'm in.

Smell my fear, feel my pain amidst the tragedy of today.

There's the voices, can you hear them like me?

Calling softly, yelling loudly, whispering to me.

No, I will not jump.  No, I will not cry.

I cover my ears for I don't want to die.

But the noise, it won't fade; it keeps ringing,

In my head, strange voices are swimming.

Help me, please help me.

I'm falling in too deeply.

Hold me, please hold me,

I'm losing my sanity.

Whether I trek a thousand miles or walk across the street,

it all feels the same when either way I'll be in agony.

Condemn myself to die or succumb to a life with nothing,

a morbid decease or a journey so bleak - a loss or a loss - 

this is my fate.

Laugh at my tears, smile at my pleas as rain drowns my sorrows.

Shrug when I beg, leave when I reach for a helping hand to guide me.

The moon is rising this morning, can you see it?

The sun is retreating as I watch the eastern sky.

I wanted to cry, and I wanted to jump,

For the first time in my life I'm ready to give up.

Blackness comes nearer; it's closing in,

too quickly my vision is growing dim.

Help me, please help me.

I'm slipping down the palisade.

Hold me, please hold me,

I'm failing at this life we made.

Whether I trek a thousand miles or walk across the street,

it all feels the same when either way I'll be in agony.

Condemn myself to die or succumb to a life with nothing,

a morbid decease or a journey so bleak - a loss or a loss -

this is my fate.

Cherish my memories, savour my last moments,

wipe the tears from my eyes and kiss the ones on my cheek.

Perhaps I am dying, but it's you I'll be saving,

and that alone has made my life worth living.

Our dreams have entwined, and you've carried my burden,

shared my nightmares and held your end of the bargain.

I could not be fixed, but you tried anyway,

and for that the sun will return one day.

Whether I trek a thousand miles or walk across the street,

it all feels the same when either way I'll be in agony.

Condemn myself to die or succumb to a life with nothing,

a morbid decease or a journey so bleak - a loss or a loss - 

this is my fate.

Forever my fate.

Sick

I've had a cold for the past few days.  I hate having something stupid like a cold; I'd rather have the flue since that at least makes you lose weight...even though I've been losing it anyway.  My jeans from high school are actually legitimately baggy now.  YAY!

I had soup for dinner tonight and then went out for ice cream, which ultimately brought my caloric intake to nearly 1500!  Tragic.  Therefore, I had to go work out to burn it off for at least an hour.  Instead, when I got home I emptied the entire content of my stomach, soup and all, since I figured that would help...and then worked out for 50 minutes anyway.  Smooth move since I have a sore throat already.  My actions defy logic most of the time.

I'm going to bed early, even though I slept almost 12 hours last night, and hopefully I'll feel a little better tomorrow.  We shall see.  Also, I really really want to go shopping, mainly for jewelry since that can't make me look fat (I hope).  I can't wait until I'm really skinny, if that will ever happen.  Another 30 pounds may do the trick.  Or 20...or 50...

Rough Mornings

This morning I woke up and felt absolutely terrible, as though I had been hit by a car.  It was probably because I had very little to eat for several days, had only a few greens beans and tons of wine yesterday, and had no water.  Drinking on an empty stomach is never a good idea, but how else would I do it?  I literally had to sit down when I took a shower and rest because I was so exhausted and shaky.  And while it feels terrible, I still want to feel that again...minus the hangover.  There's something really special about feeling miserable from a lack of food because you feel the success in the numbness of your fingertips, the coldness of your body, and the soreness in your legs.  I'll get it again soon.

Moving on, I'm planning on telling the guy I'm "having dinner with on occasion" that I don't want a relationship.  I feel bad, but we're just too different in terms of values.  There's certain things that I think you need to agree on, and if you don't then you're simply not compatible.  And that's how I feel.  Crossing my fingers it goes well...ugh.

To feed your nightmares

Before I go to sleep...

raindrops on ashes and sharp claws on kittens,
mace covered flowers and beds filled with needles,
specious bright pathways that lead us to darkness,
treacherous sweet dreams turned into nightmares.


sugar coated lies and dear smelling arsenic,
tainted lyrics of lullabies and morbid child rhymes,
long winding roads that end without warning,
musical black knells to remember the dead.


here we dwell on bitter tasting memories,
plagued by the ever discordant reality,
while hoping to find a distant reason to live,
a notion so fruitless, no energy to give.
we lie awake dreaming of a life worth leading,
only to wake the next morning with nothing changing.
day by day we hope, close our eyes, and pray.
wake up and smell the roses; it's the only way.


plant them and reap them  


and then lie beneath them.


I should probably not always write such morbid poems.