Tension

I ignored my mom's phone call today.  I've only spoken with her twice over the past week and a half, which is uncharacteristic for me given that I used to call her once or twice per day.  But after my birthday weekend and the mess that it created, my relationship with my mom has felt somewhat strained.  I still love her, obviously, but I just don't want to talk to her.  I called on Monday, but it was rather awkward.  We just haven't been up to our usual banter, and I'm worried it will never be the same.  I understand that she seems to think that if I just apologize and lose 10 pounds that I will be my usual, cheerful self.  The problem with that notion, however, is that 1) I'm not a naturally cheerful person anymore but just pretend to be because I know that will make other people happy, 2) losing 10 pounds will make me happy for a day before I feel the need to lose another 10, and 3) I'm depressed and an apology will not suddenly change anything.  The fact of the matter is that I have been doing a damn good job of keeping things from my family (and friends), and I always smile and laugh when I'm around them.  But my smile isn't real and the laugh is strained...only I know that, though.  I just plaster on the smile and use the little energy I have left to pretend like everything is okay.  It's rather exhausting sometimes.

Anyway, I've lost a few pounds over the past few days and have been refusing to step on the scale for a while.  I'm kind of hoping that ignoring the scale might help me prevent some binges.  Also, I'm falling back into my "muffin a day" philosophy.  I have such an extraordinary sweet tooth and depriving myself of sweet things only wreaks havoc on my life.  I actually did a great job losing 15 pounds in December (and kept that off) by getting a muffin or slice of pumpkin bread or something from a coffee shop (often Starbucks) and nibbling on that over the day.  My caloric intake would vary, but it was generally under 500 depending on the sweet.  It kept me from craving other sweets since I wasn't being deprived.  So!  Here I am in Caribou, drinking black iced coffee, and picking at a blueberry muffin like a mouse.  I can stretch this little guy out for several hours...I probably won't finish it for another 5 hours or so.  Next time I might settle for a pumpkin muffie from Panera...that was what I wanted in the first place but since I arrived around lunch time, it was too crowded.  I like the solitude.