Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fix Me. I'm Broken.

Here I am, snuggled in my heated blanket, depressingly thinking back on my horrid eating today, and listening to Adele.  "Mood music," I'd like to call it...to suit my mood.  Predictably, I'm feeling rather down. And, judging by the lack of reviews I've had lately, I feel like my consistently bad posts are rubbing off on people so I will do my best to pull something less depressing out of my ass in the next few days.  Maybe something spectacular will happen between now and the weekend...

My parents are coming up (I think), and while that's exciting news, I'm kind of dreading it too.  When I know they're coming, I feel the need to try to lose as much weight as possible and look as pretty as I can because I know they will judge me.  Maybe that's parents for you, but I swear that mine are particularly judgmental, making it nearly impossible to live up to their excessively high expectations.  While they tell me that I'm the most beautiful girl and "everyone says so," they also remark that I should lose weight, wear this not that, style my hair like so, etc.  My mom has even referred to me as a "window treatment," and she says she likes to take me to the grocery store with her when I'm home because everyone is nicer to her and she gets better service...so as one of my friend's said, "your own mother is whoring you out."  I just feel like a doll to people, and it's no wonder I'm so fixated on my looks and all my flaws.  If no one can see past what's on the outside, then how can I?

Sometimes I try to imagine what I would think if I saw myself walking on the street, but I just can't.  I can't even make the connection with the person staring back at me in the mirror.  If I look objectively, then I can acknowledge that the girl is indeed pretty...but when I turn my head and so does the figure before me, then I change my mind.

When people treat me like a doll, I grow confused......because maybe they see a doll, but only I know it's broken.

1 comment:

  1. Just stay strong babe. Fuck what people say!