Tuesday, July 5, 2011


There's a girl I work with who is always telling me about how insecure she is, how hard it is to come to terms with no longer being skinny, and wanting to watch what she eats.  She's very open.  And yet, she tends to drink regular pop, eats french fries and candy, and all in all ordinary meals.   I can't speak for what she does outside of work, but I get the impression that she is merely insecure like many girls are without taking that next step down a path of self destruction.  I think a lot of girls are self conscious, but when push comes to shove, they continue on with their lives regardless.  And then there are those of us who let it rule our lives and take extreme actions to fix our problems.  We're the people who lack that filter, the one that tells you what you're doing is wrong.  Eventually, you make it so far down the road that nothing is too dangerous or too unhealthy because you just don't care anymore.  I hit that point a long time ago, and sometimes I forget that most people aren't like me.  Most people place some sort of value on their lives, don't joke about dying early, and worry if they sense their body is sending signals that it needs some medical attention.

I go to work, drink excessive amounts of caffeine, have a granola bar for lunch, and continue on with my duties.  I understand being insecure, and I sympathize (inwardly) with my coworker, though I would never tell her that I am insecure as well.  I'm a very closed off person, and if I can prevent anyone from thinking that I could potentially be moderately abnormal and have a minor problem, then I will do so.  However, it's still odd listening to her tell me things because I can't help but think, "Well, at least you don't have a full blown eating disorder, cut yourself, and are suicidal."  Naturally, I hold my tongue.  Not that I have/do all of those things...or I'm merely in denial.

I just have to wonder why some of us behave differently with regards to the same issues.  Why do I feel the need to starve myself or purge or work out endlessly when someone else can accept themselves and move on?  Why do I pull out a razor because I'm lonely, depressed, angry with myself, or because it's been too long when someone else would merely call a friend for comfort?  And why do I fantasize about crashing my car into a guardrail when someone else takes precautions to make sure such a thing doesn't happen?  We're all different, but does that make any of us wrong?  I don't know.  I think one of my biggest concerns at the moment is the person I'm interested is going to see my arms sooner or later, and I'm terrified of his reaction.  I'm assuming our casual relationship will end abruptly as a result because I'm realistic; people don't want to deal with someone else's problems like that when could just as easily cut the person off and move on to someone less complicated and less effort.  Hence, why I would never tell anyone.

It's a lonely world we live in.

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