good friday

Mass today was depressing; Good Friday always is. But it's even worse when a friend dies the day before and you're sitting in church looking around and seeing the occasional classmate back from grade school who are clearly not enjoying their environment either. We give each other weak smiles or a slight hand gesture to signal the acknowledgement, but deep down all we can think is why? It doesn't make sense how such good people find themselves in a flaming aircraft heading straight for the ground because of sheer bad luck. The shock of it all has yet to wear off on me, and smiles just don't seem right.

As I continued my brooding and sullen thoughts at dinner, that feeling in my gut started again...the guilty one that tells me I've eaten too much. I felt almost frantic as I sat there, mentally fighting with myself on whether I should hurry upstairs and vomit. After a good ten minutes of battling, there was a winner. I headed up the stairs, turned on the sink, removed my jcrew sweater, and shoved two fingers down my throat. I had a sudden fear that maybe I gained weight, which I had in fact when I stepped on the scale. The logical side of my brain tells me that since I was fully clothed in pants, a shirt, and sweater, in addition to having drank several cups of water and diet pop in the past few hours, that it was not additional weight on my body. But I ignored that and pushed it aside.

What did I eat that made me so guilty? A salad. With fat free dressing. The whole thing was less than 300 calories, and I only ate half of it. But I can't tell how many calories I personally consumed because since salads have a variety of additives, you can't simply cut it in half and say, "there, 150 calories." What if I had more olives than the other half? See my dilemna? It's complicated. But that's all I've had today other than some sticks of gum and diet ginger ale. I'm full (or rather, not starving), hate this feeling, and am going to play tennis to hopefully burn it off.