Saturday, April 3, 2010

Did it again

There I went again, the sudden urge to throw up, heading upstairs, unthinking, no premeditation, merely impulse. It's odd how the concept of 'too much' can be skewed in such a way that a cup of cinnamon toast crunch is suddenly a huge amount of food that must be dispelled from the body. It was meant to be my late lunch or early dinner, but I couldn't bring myself to keep it down. Especially not after I was called skinny several times today by a family friend. The same woman also told me how beautiful I was, a compliment to which I looked away and made a noncommital response. I can't take compliments, and she told me that it was merely a fact and I need to practice saying, "Why, thank you!" She makes it sound so easy, but after years of being told I'm beautiful, I still have never found myself in agreement with people.

Tomorrow, we are making Easter brunch as well as an Easter dinner. I'm hoping to get away with not really eating it, but I don't honestly care about what my parents think anyway. I go back to school, am over 18, and frankly just don't care. My mom is always supportive of my lack of eating because she never suspects anything else could be wrong. I think she has this whole idea that no one in our family could possibly have a problem and sees everything through rose colored glasses. But just wait, give me a few more months of this twisting, downward spiral, and maybe her mind will be changed. I'm on a quest for complete starvation. I don't want to die...yet at least. Not until I'm thin, and then I just won't give a damn.


  1. If you died, I would be devastated. Even if you were skinny or fat. I would have one less person to talk to! ;(
    Just promise me you willl never stop texting me! Cause when I first started reading your blog I really liked you, and when you commeneted on my blog I was SUPER happy. And then we kinda became anna text buddies, and I can confide in you with anything. I don't care if the feeling is mutral, but at least I have someone to talk to. (:
    I might text you after I comment on all of the posts I have been slacking on, but I just haven't really been into blogger the past week. But don't worry I will get back asap!
    So just check all of your posts cause I will be most likely commenting on them.
    P.s. What is my name on you phone, I mean like for contacts?

  2. Aw the feeling is definitely mutual fyi! And sorry I was so spacey today, but I'll text you tomorrow. I sat through a 2.5 hour long Easter Vigil service followed by driving and getting slightly lost to a birthday party I felt obligated to make an I'm tired, going to bed, and hoping I can still eat very little tmr despite my dad making elaborate plans for a brunch and a dinner...

  3. I might not talk to you like you talk to Arii, but I'd still be crushed if you died. Don't think like that dear > <
    I hope Easter goes well for you, good luck with supper :)
    Take care,