Did it again

There I went again, the sudden urge to throw up, heading upstairs, unthinking, no premeditation, merely impulse. It's odd how the concept of 'too much' can be skewed in such a way that a cup of cinnamon toast crunch is suddenly a huge amount of food that must be dispelled from the body. It was meant to be my late lunch or early dinner, but I couldn't bring myself to keep it down. Especially not after I was called skinny several times today by a family friend. The same woman also told me how beautiful I was, a compliment to which I looked away and made a noncommital response. I can't take compliments, and she told me that it was merely a fact and I need to practice saying, "Why, thank you!" She makes it sound so easy, but after years of being told I'm beautiful, I still have never found myself in agreement with people.

Tomorrow, we are making Easter brunch as well as an Easter dinner. I'm hoping to get away with not really eating it, but I don't honestly care about what my parents think anyway. I go back to school, am over 18, and frankly just don't care. My mom is always supportive of my lack of eating because she never suspects anything else could be wrong. I think she has this whole idea that no one in our family could possibly have a problem and sees everything through rose colored glasses. But just wait, give me a few more months of this twisting, downward spiral, and maybe her mind will be changed. I'm on a quest for complete starvation. I don't want to die...yet at least. Not until I'm thin, and then I just won't give a damn.