Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Attention, I'm seeking you

I think I've always felt unappreciated.  When I'm on the phone with my mom, she always gets distracted and starts talking to someone around her or doesn't listen to what I'm saying.  Most of the time I say something, she gives some response that is completely unrelated, and I've realized it's because she was never listening in the first place.  I know she likes for me to call and gets concerned if I don't, but then why doesn't she show some kind of respect when we're engaged in a conversation?  My little brother will frequently start some tantrum about how everyone hates him or how he has so much homework or how he played terribly in tennis (sometimes even when he wins the match), and that always takes precedence over me.  I have to wait while I hear my mom forget I'm on the line to deal with my brother.  It happens all the time.

And then there's the pressure I always get from my parents to lose weight.  When I go home for a weekend and haven't eaten in a week and reach for a piece of fruit or some yogurt, my mom eyes me and asks, "Aren't you eating dinner?"  Fuck.  I can't say that I didn't have breakfast or lunch, and it will be 3 o'clock, so I'll have to put it down, feeling like a pig because of her question, and wait until dinner at 7 or 8.  I hate getting that look from her that I am a glutton and need more self control.  And I hate that constant reminder of, "Oh, you were thinnest when you were winter swimming."  False.  I was thinnest when I was starving myself in my senior year of high school.  I can't really compare my weights much in high school, though, because I grew 7 inches in 4 years...so gaining a few pounds (obviously) was due to the changing height not weight on my hips.

My goal right now, as terrible as it may be, is to cause serious concern.  I want to lose enough weight that my parents will actually pay attention to me for once.  I've always been told I'm beautiful, no matter my weight, yet they still tell me I should lose weight.  Fine!  I'll lose weight until they tell me I should gain it.  I'm going to fast until I wind up in the hospital because of their stupid antics.  The next time I go home in Memorial weekend when the pool at our country club opens, and I want to be able to flaunt a swimsuit in skin and bones.  That's 25 days away, and 25 pounds is definitely a plausible weight to lose. They want me to lose weight?  So be it.

1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean when you say you want to cause concern. I fee l the same deep down inside.

    Yet, doing things to hurt them might make you regret it later on. Trust me, what goes around comes around.