Thursday, May 6, 2010


I woke up this morning and suddenly felt terrified.  It's sunny and warm outside, and I don't want to go out.  This is primarily because I'm fat and refuse to ever wear shorts or tank tops, which means I will be burning up in the 80 degree weather.  I always  put on a sweater or sweatshirt and wear long pants...I have a tendency to wear lots of layers and clothing that is, by other people's standards, too big for me.  But I don't want to feel so repulsive, and I don't want to be so miserable.  I have silly fantasies of laying by the pool in a bikini, sipping on a diet coke with a straw hat and sunglasses, finally enjoying myself.  It's too bad that will never happen though.

Today is going to be a long day.  I'm torn between what to do with regards to eating, working out, etc.  Obviously, I could just not eat at all, which would be a good plan, but I feel like I lose more weight when I eat something small to keep my metabolism going...but fasting always makes me so proud so we'll see.  It's early afternoon, so I still have several hours before I can "go to bed," which is usually me sitting in the dark in my room, brooding over my failures that day and dreaming of a better tomorrow.  Maybe today I will feel successful instead.  I have also created a little notebook in which I keep all my inspirations and my food diary.  My main purpose for this little journal is to distract me from eating, and I'm actually getting ready to leave my apartment (so I don't eat) and spend hours doing nothing productive just for the sake of staying away from food.  It's kind of sad that I take such great lengths to avoid eating, but temptation is too strong when I'm sitting in a dim room for hours on end.

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