When am I?

I've been doing really poorly lately, and I'm not sure why.  Sometimes I get into these bad cycles where I can no longer tell what day it is or what time it is or anything really.  My sleep pattern will get so screwed up, and as a result, my eating habits deteriorate, causing me to withdraw as much into myself as possible.  I don't think I've talked to another human being (other than mumbling to an irritating cashier yesterday) in at least a week.  It's really kind of sad when I think about it; I don't know where the time goes.

My main problem is that when I feel gross, which is 99 percent of the time, I simply refuse to go out in public.  I'm afraid to be judged, I guess, but no one judges me more than myself.  Unfortunately, it's impossible to escape that judgement because I have yet to figure out a way to escape myself.  I think I'm going to go to a coffee shop tomorrow, which is a little step towards re entering the human world.  I work on Friday, and I don't want it to be a sudden shock to my system when I suddenly have to socialize.  It's weird how it really does shock me sometimes...not normal, I'm sure.

Anyway, I have had blueberries, grapes, and an 80 calories yogurt.  I don't know how many calories that is, which is annoying, but I think I'm okay.  I might have some soup later for dinner and probably take some laxatives because, well, I don't know...clean the system?  So I'll update everyone tomorrow at the cafe, and I'm brainstorming my next plan of action.  I feel like I need to be more organized.

Update

Okay, this is going to be relatively short because I never went to bed last night, am in desperate need of coffee, and am only writing this while my hair is still in hot rollers.  But I have some good news.  I had a date last week!  It went really well, and I know the guy likes me...unfortunately, I know it isn't going to work out because he is a very happy person and I am...well, not.  I pretend to be, but once people get too close they start to get that revelation that I may not be what I seem.  That's why I keep people so far away and don't trust anyone, but if you're dating someone, how far can you really keep them?  I don't want to jump the gun here, though, because I'm probably just going to jinx it now anyway.

Moving on, today, I'm taking my insomniac self to study at a coffee shop.  Last night, while I couldn't sleep, I preoccupied myself by taking a moonlight stroll, several long drives, and watching the sunrise.  Despite my efforts to sleep, it simply failed me.  Of course, I'm aware that lack of eating yields insomnia, so if I keep not eating today then I won't as tired as I am now...but I will be crazier...and skinnier...oh the choices.  Naturally, I'd rather be somewhat disturbed and thin.

I'll update better tomorrow when I'm slightly more rested.  Who knows when I'll go to bed today...if...

Little old ladies? Not to be trusted.

Okay, so I worked in a cafe today, managing and running the cash register.  At one point, this little old lady came up, moving at a ridiculously slow pace...slow to order, slow to speak, slow to draw out her $10 bill to pay for her order.  FINALLY, I gave her the change and moved on to the next customer while she awkwardly lingered, sloooowly stepping maybe six inches to the side as she slowly began packing up her things.  (Have I mentioned how slow she was yet?)  My next customer ordered, and I began to give the man his change when..."Excuse me, I gave you a $20."  WHAT?!

I was sure she had given me a $10, but I'm not one to start an argument with a customer.  It's bad for business, and I couldn't prove anything, regardless.  No one else knew if she had given me a $10 or $20, and while I didn't think I would have made such a mistake, I naturally had second thoughts.  It wouldn't matter anyway because I couldn't prove anything, and I wasn't going to argue with an old woman with customers behind her in line.  So I gave her another $10 to make up for it.

And what do I find when I count my drawer five hours later?  Oh, I'm $10 short.  At first I thought that maybe she was just mistaken and senile, but both my boss and my mom told me that it was definitely intentional.  So naive little me, who usually doesn't trust people and expects the worst in every situation, actually thought that maybe someone was innocent for once.  Weird.  So unlike me.

Anyway, just a friendly reminder to everyone:  Old ladies are apparently sneaky little devils.  Or as my mom said, "Thieves age, too."  Who knew?

ABC attempt again

I decided to start the ABC diet today just because.  So far today, I have had lots of diet pop, some grapes (100 cals maybe), and now black bean soup (280 cals).  We'll see how this goes.  The limit today is 500, for anyone who doesn't know.

Also, I got a vanilla candle today, and it smells amazing.  Vanilla is by far my favorite scent.  Vanilla and coffee = heaven in my eyes.

Life Is Like a Pack of Gum

This is one of my "deep thinking" moments.  I read this somewhere (don't even remember where exactly):

"Life is like a pack of gum...I've yet to figure out why."

Well, this would be this person's lucky day because I can tell you why.  When you begin chewing one stick of gum, you experience a satisfying moment of a burst of guiltless flavor.  And, depending on the type of gum, this will continue for some time.  But all too quickly, you find yourself reaching for a new stick of gum as the old one fades, and you find yourself experiencing an awkward emptiness with the loss of the flavor.  The pattern continues of you trying to fill the void with something new and exciting, but ultimately, the last piece will come and go and there is nothing else to reach for.  It's the breaking point when you crash into reality and have to make the decision on whether to continue filling the void with endless pieces of flavor that will only continue to diminish all too quickly, succeeding only in causing your jaw to cramp and feel sore by the constant chewing, or whether you search for another means of fulfillment that lasts longer than a piece of gum.

Me?  I keep buying the gum because I can't see beyond the pack.

So there, mysterious quote.  THAT is how life is like a pack of gum.

Woe is me

This is one of those mornings where I ask myself...why do I drink?!

I went out last night after having a small salad with a vinagrette and goat cheese, which I know isn't good, but it sure as hell beats a creamy dressing or more fattening cheese.  Plus, since that was all I had (in addition to part of a tomato earlier that day) and since I ignored the bread basket (yay!), the combination of alcohol and lack of nutrition is wreaking havoc on my body.  Naturally, I just bought a giant black coffee because in my opinion, coffee cures everything.  I think I have heard somewhere that coffee is good for hangovers anyway.  I don't appear to have gained any weight from drinking, fortunately, and I stuck to liquor instead of beer anyway.  At one point I actually ordered grey goose on the rocks, which got several stares from people...apparently that's not a common order...

I drink very often anymore because of the calories, so this was my first night out in a looong time.  But just felt like sharing with you all that I currently look like hell.  Going to try to sleep this off...at the pool...with lots of diet coke...

Okay, Okay, I'm Back

I’m sorry that I haven’t updated in almost a week; I need to be a more diligent blogger.  Right now, I’m sitting in Panera Bread, drinking black coffee and taking the occasional mousey nibble of a pumpkin muffie.  I love sitting here because I can continuously refill my coffee, people watch, and write without interruption.  It’s relaxing to me.  And I’m wearing cute clothes with a new pair of heels from White House Black Market.  Honestly, I throw on heels whenever I possibly can…I’ve worn them to the grocery store even.  I figure that since I have so many cute heels, I might as well make use of them while I can, right?

Anyway, so here I am watching other people scarf down their high calorie meals like mindless eating machines.  If anything turns me off from food, it’s watching strangers eating in public.  Some people have such horrendous eating habits, shoveling food into their mouths as if it is their last chance to ever eat or as if it will magically disappear from their plates if they don’t eat it fast enough.  Granted, I’m not one to talk since I have sat in my apartment before eating cookie dough or ice cream like there’s no tomorrow…but then I purge, feel terrible, and refuse to eat the next day.  Sometimes, though, I watch people eating and I just think how silly the whole concept is.  I wonder why people feel the need to get together, buy food, and enjoy consuming it.  I know that food is supposed to be one of those glories of life, but my love hate (more hate) relationship with it ruins this particular glory.  Honestly, I’d rather ignore my bodily needs and tell it to stop screaming for food because I don’t need it.  I do enjoy good food but refuse to eat anything that I don’t find to be spectacular…and a pumpkin muffie (290 cals) is truly spectacular.  I love anything pumpkin flavored, except pumpkin pie.  I really only like the crust.  Weird, I know.

Tomorrow, I’m going back home for the weekend again to prove to my parents that I can occasionally have a social life.  It’s sad that they pressure me to go out with friends, but I’m convinced that no one really wants to hang out with me…I mean, I don’t even want to hang out with me.  Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out an efficient way to escape myself.  I’m determined not to binge this weekend like I did last weekend.  I binged on toast…TOAST!  Of all things?  Really?!  What can I say, bread really gets to me, especially when it’s warm and slathered in butter and jam.  Ridiculous.