abc

Okay, I just decided right now that I'm starting the ABC diet...effective immediately.  If anyone wants to join or start tomorrow, let me know!  But I've been exceptionally fat lately, and this is no good.

Update later...

Packing: Phase One

Alright, first things first, an update.  As I've mentioned before, I've been having trouble sleeping, so last night I took a sleeping pill?  Yeah, didn't work.  Frustrating!!!!!

So, today I studied chemistry at Panera for several hours and have had about 900 calories, which was bad.  But at least I shouldn't have gained weight, right?  (Crossing fingers)  Fortunately, I'm beginning phase one of my packing to move back home for a few weeks, so perhaps that will burn a lot of calories.  I'm moving into a different apartment with a different roommate, who is a much closer friend of mine, but our lease doesn't start until a week into September.  My college starts really late, so I have over a month before classes!

I'm not really looking forward to all the stuff I have to put together, and the hardest thing is definitely going to be keeping anything that would reveal, uh, shall we say, poor eating habits...so laxatives, ipecac, water pills, journals, etc...secrets secrets.

Can't Sleep

It's almost 2am, and I just can't sleep.  I'm torn between just pulling an all nighter to ensure I sleep tomorrow night or just keep drinking my sleepy time tea and try to catch some zzz's later.  I'll probably just keep trying to sleep...and fail, I'm sure.

I've been eating around 500 calories for the past few days, which is good.  But, of course, since the number can always be lower, I'm still disappointed naturally.  I lose more weight, I think, when I eat from 300 to 500 calories because it keeps the metabolism going and is easier to stick with, but let's face it:  nothing makes you feel more satisfied than fasting.  In my opinion anyway.  But as always, when I don't eat as much, I can't sleep and end up drinking massive amounts of black coffee.

Also, I move out of my apartment in a few days to stay at home for a few weeks before moving into my new apartment for the school year.  I'm definitely not looking forward to going home because my mom has already been bringing up how it's going to be a few weeks of eating healthy and working out.  I swear there isn't a single aspect of my life that she doesn't control.  And she wonders why I haven't been calling as often...I'll update again tomorrow probably when I'm doing who knows what...aka nothing...just avoiding food.

Pretend

I was feeling poetic today and wrote a poem:

My dream; your nightmare,

My treasure; your hate.

My secrets; your pain,

My loss; your gain.

I pretend to smile,

You flash a grin..

I pretend to laugh,

You double over.

I pretend we’re perfect,

You think we are.

I pretend it’s forever,

You think it is.

I enjoy this sweet dream,

This semblance of forever.

I enjoy the odd feeling

Of things bona fide.

But I know it will end,

I know it fail.

Because in my world,

Anything so perfect

Is never so real.

When am I?

I've been doing really poorly lately, and I'm not sure why.  Sometimes I get into these bad cycles where I can no longer tell what day it is or what time it is or anything really.  My sleep pattern will get so screwed up, and as a result, my eating habits deteriorate, causing me to withdraw as much into myself as possible.  I don't think I've talked to another human being (other than mumbling to an irritating cashier yesterday) in at least a week.  It's really kind of sad when I think about it; I don't know where the time goes.

My main problem is that when I feel gross, which is 99 percent of the time, I simply refuse to go out in public.  I'm afraid to be judged, I guess, but no one judges me more than myself.  Unfortunately, it's impossible to escape that judgement because I have yet to figure out a way to escape myself.  I think I'm going to go to a coffee shop tomorrow, which is a little step towards re entering the human world.  I work on Friday, and I don't want it to be a sudden shock to my system when I suddenly have to socialize.  It's weird how it really does shock me sometimes...not normal, I'm sure.

Anyway, I have had blueberries, grapes, and an 80 calories yogurt.  I don't know how many calories that is, which is annoying, but I think I'm okay.  I might have some soup later for dinner and probably take some laxatives because, well, I don't know...clean the system?  So I'll update everyone tomorrow at the cafe, and I'm brainstorming my next plan of action.  I feel like I need to be more organized.

Update

Okay, this is going to be relatively short because I never went to bed last night, am in desperate need of coffee, and am only writing this while my hair is still in hot rollers.  But I have some good news.  I had a date last week!  It went really well, and I know the guy likes me...unfortunately, I know it isn't going to work out because he is a very happy person and I am...well, not.  I pretend to be, but once people get too close they start to get that revelation that I may not be what I seem.  That's why I keep people so far away and don't trust anyone, but if you're dating someone, how far can you really keep them?  I don't want to jump the gun here, though, because I'm probably just going to jinx it now anyway.

Moving on, today, I'm taking my insomniac self to study at a coffee shop.  Last night, while I couldn't sleep, I preoccupied myself by taking a moonlight stroll, several long drives, and watching the sunrise.  Despite my efforts to sleep, it simply failed me.  Of course, I'm aware that lack of eating yields insomnia, so if I keep not eating today then I won't as tired as I am now...but I will be crazier...and skinnier...oh the choices.  Naturally, I'd rather be somewhat disturbed and thin.

I'll update better tomorrow when I'm slightly more rested.  Who knows when I'll go to bed today...if...

Little old ladies? Not to be trusted.

Okay, so I worked in a cafe today, managing and running the cash register.  At one point, this little old lady came up, moving at a ridiculously slow pace...slow to order, slow to speak, slow to draw out her $10 bill to pay for her order.  FINALLY, I gave her the change and moved on to the next customer while she awkwardly lingered, sloooowly stepping maybe six inches to the side as she slowly began packing up her things.  (Have I mentioned how slow she was yet?)  My next customer ordered, and I began to give the man his change when..."Excuse me, I gave you a $20."  WHAT?!

I was sure she had given me a $10, but I'm not one to start an argument with a customer.  It's bad for business, and I couldn't prove anything, regardless.  No one else knew if she had given me a $10 or $20, and while I didn't think I would have made such a mistake, I naturally had second thoughts.  It wouldn't matter anyway because I couldn't prove anything, and I wasn't going to argue with an old woman with customers behind her in line.  So I gave her another $10 to make up for it.

And what do I find when I count my drawer five hours later?  Oh, I'm $10 short.  At first I thought that maybe she was just mistaken and senile, but both my boss and my mom told me that it was definitely intentional.  So naive little me, who usually doesn't trust people and expects the worst in every situation, actually thought that maybe someone was innocent for once.  Weird.  So unlike me.

Anyway, just a friendly reminder to everyone:  Old ladies are apparently sneaky little devils.  Or as my mom said, "Thieves age, too."  Who knew?