I decided to start the ABC diet today just because. So far today, I have had lots of diet pop, some grapes (100 cals maybe), and now black bean soup (280 cals). We'll see how this goes. The limit today is 500, for anyone who doesn't know.
Also, I got a vanilla candle today, and it smells amazing. Vanilla is by far my favorite scent. Vanilla and coffee = heaven in my eyes.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Life Is Like a Pack of Gum
This is one of my "deep thinking" moments. I read this somewhere (don't even remember where exactly):
"Life is like a pack of gum...I've yet to figure out why."
Well, this would be this person's lucky day because I can tell you why. When you begin chewing one stick of gum, you experience a satisfying moment of a burst of guiltless flavor. And, depending on the type of gum, this will continue for some time. But all too quickly, you find yourself reaching for a new stick of gum as the old one fades, and you find yourself experiencing an awkward emptiness with the loss of the flavor. The pattern continues of you trying to fill the void with something new and exciting, but ultimately, the last piece will come and go and there is nothing else to reach for. It's the breaking point when you crash into reality and have to make the decision on whether to continue filling the void with endless pieces of flavor that will only continue to diminish all too quickly, succeeding only in causing your jaw to cramp and feel sore by the constant chewing, or whether you search for another means of fulfillment that lasts longer than a piece of gum.
Me? I keep buying the gum because I can't see beyond the pack.
So there, mysterious quote. THAT is how life is like a pack of gum.
"Life is like a pack of gum...I've yet to figure out why."
Well, this would be this person's lucky day because I can tell you why. When you begin chewing one stick of gum, you experience a satisfying moment of a burst of guiltless flavor. And, depending on the type of gum, this will continue for some time. But all too quickly, you find yourself reaching for a new stick of gum as the old one fades, and you find yourself experiencing an awkward emptiness with the loss of the flavor. The pattern continues of you trying to fill the void with something new and exciting, but ultimately, the last piece will come and go and there is nothing else to reach for. It's the breaking point when you crash into reality and have to make the decision on whether to continue filling the void with endless pieces of flavor that will only continue to diminish all too quickly, succeeding only in causing your jaw to cramp and feel sore by the constant chewing, or whether you search for another means of fulfillment that lasts longer than a piece of gum.
Me? I keep buying the gum because I can't see beyond the pack.
So there, mysterious quote. THAT is how life is like a pack of gum.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Woe is me
This is one of those mornings where I ask myself...why do I drink?!
I went out last night after having a small salad with a vinagrette and goat cheese, which I know isn't good, but it sure as hell beats a creamy dressing or more fattening cheese. Plus, since that was all I had (in addition to part of a tomato earlier that day) and since I ignored the bread basket (yay!), the combination of alcohol and lack of nutrition is wreaking havoc on my body. Naturally, I just bought a giant black coffee because in my opinion, coffee cures everything. I think I have heard somewhere that coffee is good for hangovers anyway. I don't appear to have gained any weight from drinking, fortunately, and I stuck to liquor instead of beer anyway. At one point I actually ordered grey goose on the rocks, which got several stares from people...apparently that's not a common order...
I drink very often anymore because of the calories, so this was my first night out in a looong time. But just felt like sharing with you all that I currently look like hell. Going to try to sleep this off...at the pool...with lots of diet coke...
I went out last night after having a small salad with a vinagrette and goat cheese, which I know isn't good, but it sure as hell beats a creamy dressing or more fattening cheese. Plus, since that was all I had (in addition to part of a tomato earlier that day) and since I ignored the bread basket (yay!), the combination of alcohol and lack of nutrition is wreaking havoc on my body. Naturally, I just bought a giant black coffee because in my opinion, coffee cures everything. I think I have heard somewhere that coffee is good for hangovers anyway. I don't appear to have gained any weight from drinking, fortunately, and I stuck to liquor instead of beer anyway. At one point I actually ordered grey goose on the rocks, which got several stares from people...apparently that's not a common order...
I drink very often anymore because of the calories, so this was my first night out in a looong time. But just felt like sharing with you all that I currently look like hell. Going to try to sleep this off...at the pool...with lots of diet coke...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Okay, Okay, I'm Back
I’m sorry that I haven’t updated in almost a week; I need to be a more diligent blogger. Right now, I’m sitting in Panera Bread, drinking black coffee and taking the occasional mousey nibble of a pumpkin muffie. I love sitting here because I can continuously refill my coffee, people watch, and write without interruption. It’s relaxing to me. And I’m wearing cute clothes with a new pair of heels from White House Black Market. Honestly, I throw on heels whenever I possibly can…I’ve worn them to the grocery store even. I figure that since I have so many cute heels, I might as well make use of them while I can, right?
Anyway, so here I am watching other people scarf down their high calorie meals like mindless eating machines. If anything turns me off from food, it’s watching strangers eating in public. Some people have such horrendous eating habits, shoveling food into their mouths as if it is their last chance to ever eat or as if it will magically disappear from their plates if they don’t eat it fast enough. Granted, I’m not one to talk since I have sat in my apartment before eating cookie dough or ice cream like there’s no tomorrow…but then I purge, feel terrible, and refuse to eat the next day. Sometimes, though, I watch people eating and I just think how silly the whole concept is. I wonder why people feel the need to get together, buy food, and enjoy consuming it. I know that food is supposed to be one of those glories of life, but my love hate (more hate) relationship with it ruins this particular glory. Honestly, I’d rather ignore my bodily needs and tell it to stop screaming for food because I don’t need it. I do enjoy good food but refuse to eat anything that I don’t find to be spectacular…and a pumpkin muffie (290 cals) is truly spectacular. I love anything pumpkin flavored, except pumpkin pie. I really only like the crust. Weird, I know.
Tomorrow, I’m going back home for the weekend again to prove to my parents that I can occasionally have a social life. It’s sad that they pressure me to go out with friends, but I’m convinced that no one really wants to hang out with me…I mean, I don’t even want to hang out with me. Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out an efficient way to escape myself. I’m determined not to binge this weekend like I did last weekend. I binged on toast…TOAST! Of all things? Really?! What can I say, bread really gets to me, especially when it’s warm and slathered in butter and jam. Ridiculous.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Hmmm
I've still been steadily losing weight, thank god, but I have no idea how much. I've been judging my loss visually rather than numerically because I feel that if I step on the scale I will be disappointed...no matter what the number says. So...I'm just going to continue to boycott the scale.
I'm going home again today, and my mom and I are going shopping tomorrow apparently. She's decided that I need some new clothes (yet I'm pretty sure I'm buying). This is one of those rare moments where my mom actually wants to take me shopping, so I suppose I should just be grateful and stop questioning her motives. I'm a suspicious person though. She even asked me if I have...(drumroll)..."going out clothes"! What is this world coming to where a mother asks her daughter if she has apparel suitable for going to bars? Good Lord. She also wants me to go on a date.
I'd like to mention that I finally used my 21 year old i.d. and bought my first legal drink. Sadly, they didn't ask for my i.d...which is probably why turning 21 wasn't going to make much of a difference in my life since I seemed to weasel my way illegally into bars before anyway. But I guess no I don't have to have that minor worry in the back of my mind of getting caught...kind of takes away the thrill though.
And just a little note, I would like Arii to text this little lady because she's starting to worry...donde esta chica?
I'm going home again today, and my mom and I are going shopping tomorrow apparently. She's decided that I need some new clothes (yet I'm pretty sure I'm buying). This is one of those rare moments where my mom actually wants to take me shopping, so I suppose I should just be grateful and stop questioning her motives. I'm a suspicious person though. She even asked me if I have...(drumroll)..."going out clothes"! What is this world coming to where a mother asks her daughter if she has apparel suitable for going to bars? Good Lord. She also wants me to go on a date.
I'd like to mention that I finally used my 21 year old i.d. and bought my first legal drink. Sadly, they didn't ask for my i.d...which is probably why turning 21 wasn't going to make much of a difference in my life since I seemed to weasel my way illegally into bars before anyway. But I guess no I don't have to have that minor worry in the back of my mind of getting caught...kind of takes away the thrill though.
And just a little note, I would like Arii to text this little lady because she's starting to worry...donde esta chica?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Can't Sleep
I must say, if anyone needs to stay awake for several days, they should just stop eating because a lack of food quickly yields insomnia. I've known this for a long time, but I just thought I'd mention it again anyway. Here I am, in the darkness of my room, trying to figure out ways to fall asleep and stay that way...and clearly failing.
Today (or technically yesterday since it's 2am), I had some strawberries, lettuce with fat free italian dressing, and a scoop of ice cream. I don't know my calorie count, but I was under 1000 cals. Normally I shoot for about 500 or less, but when I'm at my parents house I tend to binge so I've raised it slightly to prevent such a catastrophe. One of my new plans to keep myself occupied has been laying out at the pool because I can drink diet coke all day long and never eat when I'm in a swimsuit...never even tempted. I've always been that way, which was probably why the summer I was a lifeguard was hell. That was also the summer my eating disorder started. I would be on duty for 8 hours sometimes and never touch an ounce of food. It's a good thing no children started drowning because I'd probably have been too weak to save them. I remember that was also when my friends started noticing me getting skinnier (according to them), but I only remember feeling ridiculously fat even though I wasn't.
I'd also like to mention that finding a swimsuit the other day? Practically impossible. For one thing, most of them are already gone since it's so late in the season, but the other problem is that I have rather large boobs and a bubble butt. And of course, since those two items are the main things covered in a swimsuit, that makes it difficult to shop for one. Most of the bikinis were triangles or strapless, and I really needed a halter for the support. It took several hours before I was able to get one! It's decent looking, black and white polka dots, and the bottoms are slightly loose (which I like) so there's no muffin topness going on. If only my upper region would shrink again...scratch that, if only my entire body would shrink!!!!!
Today (or technically yesterday since it's 2am), I had some strawberries, lettuce with fat free italian dressing, and a scoop of ice cream. I don't know my calorie count, but I was under 1000 cals. Normally I shoot for about 500 or less, but when I'm at my parents house I tend to binge so I've raised it slightly to prevent such a catastrophe. One of my new plans to keep myself occupied has been laying out at the pool because I can drink diet coke all day long and never eat when I'm in a swimsuit...never even tempted. I've always been that way, which was probably why the summer I was a lifeguard was hell. That was also the summer my eating disorder started. I would be on duty for 8 hours sometimes and never touch an ounce of food. It's a good thing no children started drowning because I'd probably have been too weak to save them. I remember that was also when my friends started noticing me getting skinnier (according to them), but I only remember feeling ridiculously fat even though I wasn't.
I'd also like to mention that finding a swimsuit the other day? Practically impossible. For one thing, most of them are already gone since it's so late in the season, but the other problem is that I have rather large boobs and a bubble butt. And of course, since those two items are the main things covered in a swimsuit, that makes it difficult to shop for one. Most of the bikinis were triangles or strapless, and I really needed a halter for the support. It took several hours before I was able to get one! It's decent looking, black and white polka dots, and the bottoms are slightly loose (which I like) so there's no muffin topness going on. If only my upper region would shrink again...scratch that, if only my entire body would shrink!!!!!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Finally
I FINALLY laid out at the pool for the first time all summer. I confess that I'm one of those naturally tan people, so my form of paleness is really just an olive complexion. Normally, that would be fine, but I don't like looking like I am a lemon when it's summer. My tanline is basically nonexistent, but hopefully after a few days I will be much darker.
I am getting a new swimsuit tomorrow because somehow my upper region has expanded despite my weight loss...I blame my mother for my late development because she has a rather large chest. I shouldn't complain, but I don't like this excess fat. Oh well, at least the rest of me is shrinking (albeit slowly).
And if you are curious, today's intake: lots of coffee, sugar free redbull, 1 pickle spear, 1 french fry, part of a lean cuisine, and some blueberries. No idea how many calories, but I calculated it to be less than 400.
I am getting a new swimsuit tomorrow because somehow my upper region has expanded despite my weight loss...I blame my mother for my late development because she has a rather large chest. I shouldn't complain, but I don't like this excess fat. Oh well, at least the rest of me is shrinking (albeit slowly).
And if you are curious, today's intake: lots of coffee, sugar free redbull, 1 pickle spear, 1 french fry, part of a lean cuisine, and some blueberries. No idea how many calories, but I calculated it to be less than 400.
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