Working Girl :)

My first week went great!  My brain has been cramming with excess information, and my training was accelerated so that I was essentially learning four weeks of material in three days because I'm taking over for someone whose last day was Thursday.  It's really a good thing that I learn quickly, or I would be fucked.  Next week, however, is going to be the true test to how much information I was able to grasp and understand from my scribbled notes.  Honestly, I think I'm going to be fine...but we shall see!  Everyone is so nice, too, which is really fortunate.  And I still can't believe that I'm truly a college graduate and out in the real world.  I may be the youngest at work, but I already feel old!  No more school is a strange feeling, even if I am planning on going back to school in a year or two to get my doctorate.

I bought two pairs of new shoes yesterday that I can wear to work, and they're adorable.  I bought Sperrys and Vans, which kind of seem like an odd combination...they're adorable though.  In case anyone was confused, I work in a lab so the dress code is much more casual.  It's not sweatpants and tshirts attire, but it's not formal business wear either.  I can just wear what I always wear, as long as I have closed toed shoes.  And the fact that the labs are freezing is nice because I won't look like so much of a freak for wearing long sleeves in summer...SCORE!

Alsoooo, I love working 40 hours a week because my diet has already drastically improved.  Since I'm working all day and incredibly self conscious eating in front of other people, I just get by with lots of black coffee (they already know I'm a coffee addict after three days at work...) and a special K protein bar.  Hopefully, if I keep this up, I will actually break through my usual rut.  I also need to get a gym membership at some point, but I tend to do worse when I'm working out since it's harder to not eat when you're burning calories.  You can also eat more, I suppose, but somehow I must overcompensate.  Currently, though, I'm just dreading Easter.  I won't be getting an Easter basket filled with candy, but my mom did buy chocolate bunnies from this phenomenal local chocolatier.  Must resist...

Now I'm going to listen to music, clean my room (maybe), and draw out my ideas for my tattoo...and go to the epically long Easter Vigil mass tonight...joy.

First Day

Today is my first day at my new job!  I'm really nervous, and I would type more but I'm about to go out the door...I'm looking forward to finally being busy all again because then I won't have so much time to do nothing (but eat).

Crossing my fingers that all goes well in my transition from college to the real world...I'll update later ;)

Update

It feels as though I haven't updated in forever, but I suppose it really hasn't been that long after all.  There hasn't been much going on in my life other than that I've slowly gained at least 5 pounds recently due to excess bingeing.  This is why I need to be busy because hanging around my house all day, especially alone, is a recipe for disaster.  Therefore, I'm getting back on track.

I also whipped out my razor yesterday again after about a three week hiatus...the only reason being that I didn't have paper towels around my house like I do in my apartment at school.  Unfortunately, I solved this problem by putting a razor in the shower.  Even I admit that this is a bad plan because it makes things too easy and tempting, and yet I'm doing it against my better judgement.  But isn't that what we all do?  Constantly causing ourselves harm even though we know we shouldn't?  I still have no idea what I'm going to do when the weather warms up.  I have scars everywhere and can only barely get away with 3/4 length sleeves.  I'm trying not to think about that so, moving on...I'm going to read a few poems by my favorite poet (Edgar Allan Poe) and then go to bed.  This is probably going to lend itself to bizarre dreams, but I tend to have nightmares anyway so it's nothing new.  The other morning I actually woke up with a throat that felt like I had swallowed razor blades; I think I must have been crying in my sleep all night.  It would make sense because I remember that my dad had died in my dream.  It was terrible.

And on another side note before I finish my post, I'm planning on getting a new car this week if I get the job I've been going after...five interviews later.  I'm fixed on a used mini couper with a manual transmission.  I love driving, and the interior of a mini feels like a race car.  Amazing.

Soooore

I finally worked out for the first time in forever yesterday, and I am so sore.  It's a good feeling because I know that I actually did something productive for once, but it's also difficult to convince myself to get my lazy ass off the couch to go work out again today.  But, since I have absolutely nothing else to do with my time and in order to prevent a binge since I have the house to myself until this afternoon, I am planning on going to the gym.  It's a struggle, though.

Also, I'm a bit out of practice, but I'm about to be shooting another poor guy down in the dating arena.  I mentioned to him yesterday that I'm not looking for anything and am not exactly a "commitment" kind of person...being a typical boy, he said that was fine and he wasn't either...lies.  See, when I say that I'm not a "commitment" person, I'm really saying that I never see the same person more than once or twice.  I don't like for people to get too close, and I don't like to be touched.  I don't want some guy to hug me or put his arm around me or tell me he thinks I'm beautiful.  It just all makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable, and when I say so, if I do, then they inevitably ask why, which just irritates me.  I merely shake my head, say that it just does, and distract myself.  I just kind of wish that, for once, a guy that I meet would be fine with just being friends and not see me as a piece of meat or arm candy.  But, for those of you who have seen When Harry Met Sally, it just isn't possible for a guy and a girl to be friends.  One of them will have feelings for the other, and that in itself throws off the entire relationship.  It's inevitable, it always happens, and it sucks every time.

Of course, I know that once there is a guy who isn't interested, I will want them to be.  Funny how that works...I'm going to go workout now and burn off the yogurt I ate a few hours ago.

P.S.  I hate ABSOLUTELY DETEST April Fool's Day, so please, for my sanity, no one try anything...though I'd have to give you props if you could via mere blog comments, but then I'd get pissed shortly after acknowledging your creativity sooo...

Graduation

Well, I will officially be a college graduate this weekend after commencement.  I supposes I technically am a graduate now, but it won't feel quite so real until I have the diploma in hand.  The importance of graduation is kind of lost on me, and I honestly don't want to be forced to sit for hours listening to boring people babble on about boring things...but I don't have a choice anyway...parents are sentimental.  I've always assumed I would graduate from college, and so it doesn't seem like a great accomplishment to me but more like just another step in life.  Plus, there's the fact that I'm planning on applying for grad schools in December to get my Ph.D. (in chemistry, in case you're curious).

Finishing finals, though, was a great feeling, and the stress of it all was the reason for my lack of posts recently.  It's been really strange not studying for the past two days, but I'll have to begin studying for the GRE soon anyway.  Also, I will finally be enjoying life, I suppose, by actually socializing with people instead of cooping myself up in a coffee shop with a giant textbook.  I bought a pretty new scarf today, and I'm going to the zoo tomorrow.  Very excited.

I'm disappointed that I definitely gained about three pounds during finals because of the excess studying.  My usual lack of nutrition was destroying my frazzled brain, and it (unfortunately) needed more nourishment than a bagel.  But I'm trying to get back on track, and I think I'm almost there.  My mom agrees that I should lose at least 10 more pounds, which is kind of nice that she doesn't think I'm being ridiculous.  Although, she sees it more as I want to lose more weight for my love of fashion and sense of style.  I admit that I wear an obnoxious amount of layers, so I want my body to be small so that I look cuter when I'm draped in sweaters and scarves.

And before I forget, Happy St. Patty's Day!  I keep forgetting, and I don't plan on celebrating because I don't like overly crowded bars like they will be today.  Plus, there's the fact that I refuse to wear green for the sake of a holiday; any other day of the year, I love to wear green because it brings out the color of my green eyes.  But I don't like my standard wardrobe to be attributed to a holiday.  As much as I love the adorableness of little shamrocks...enjoy your green beer though, everyone!

When Friends Become Strangers

There are times when you haven't seen a friend in a while and it's just like old times.  Those are always great moments, and I think that's what makes a truly great friend.  Then there are times when you see a friend after a while, and you don't know what to say.  Sometimes you feel as though you've never met them at all, and it's only their face that's recognizable.  I've been feeling like that with nearly all my so called "friends" (or rather, acquaintances) lately, including my roommate.  How can I feel further apart from someone that I live with?

I saw her when I was studying today, and it felt so strange.  I didn't feel like I knew her at all, or maybe it's really the other way around.  I've changed a lot, or at least I've let my past and my thoughts consume my life.  I've bottled myself up inside so much that I no longer have anything to say, for fear of spilling anything too personal, and she never asks me anything about my day anyway.  And perhaps that's part of the problem that's caused our drifting apart as well.  I don't know that she's necessarily had to deal with people as, well, "screwed up" as I am, and her life is much more stable than my own.  I can't help but wonder sometimes if she notices something is wrong or not because I always think I'm more secretive than I actually am.  People always figure things out in the end, as much as we try to keep things hidden.

But my point was just how strange it is to look at the face of someone who used to be a friend and feel no connection.  It's almost as though you want to cock your head to side and say, "Huh, you look familiar."  That would be rude, of course, since you know each other, but I swear it feels like a dream rather than reality.  Then again, everything in my life seems more like a dream (or a nightmare)...which is why I really want to get that tattoo I've mentioned...

F**kin' Perfect - Pink

I love this song, and I wish I could watch the video on youtube...but after watching it twice and ending up cutting myself as a result, I decided that I really can't.  It's kind of sad that the video is just too triggering for me, but what can I do?  So I have it playing in a separate tap on my browser...still a little tempted but manageable.  I think.  I'll let you know tomorrow because the night is young.

Anyway, I've been addicted to UDF soft serve lately, and it has become a staple in my diet.  It's a good thing it's only a dollar and fat free and substituted as one of my meals.  I only have it at night if I'm craving something sweet and jut really want it, but I don't have it every day at least.  I greatly wish I could just not eat sweet things, but I have a such a sweet tooth.  I also eat muffins a lot...what kind of psychotic disordered person am I?!  It's weird that I'm so fanatical about losing weight and being hungry yet I eat muffins.  But here's the thing:  I only eat good ones that I know the calorie content of, and it's usually my meal for the day.  Sad but true and ridiculously unhealthy.  It's no wonder I feel like shit most of the time because I don't have any protein in my diet.  One of my classmates commented that I never seem to eat because we're always studying together at Panera, and I only eat muffes, yogurt parfaits, or a bagel (if I've been good, haven't eaten yet that day, and it's dinner time), and it takes me about 4 hours to eat any of the above.  I can't help but wonder if other patrons look at me and think I'm a freak or clearly have a problem...I guess it could be obvious, but it's just such habit to eat obnoxiously slowly that I don't even think about it.  Sometimes I'm too self conscious to eat in public because I know people will stare at me (but pretend not to be) strangely.  I'm especially self conscious when eating Starbursts because I eat each one in four bites.  One of my friends joked that the Starburst was just too big of a bite, but most people just choose not to comment.

Tomorrow I turn in my last lab report of the quarter, and I'm hoping to have it done early so I can reward myself with some quality Starbucks.  I'm thinking I'll have a low fat muffin tomorrow for lunch/dinner.  Mmmm.  I'm in a shockingly good mood right now...perhaps because my jeans were so huge on me today that they felt like sweatpants?