Happy Halloween!

I know I'm a day early, but I felt that if I waited until tomorrow to wish you a happy spooky night then I'd be too late.  I'm assuming most of you would be going out tonight to celebrate rather than tomorrow...so Happy Halloween!  Personally, I don't really want to go out because I feel like a fat piece of shit, but since I spent money on my spongebob costume, I probably should.  Plus, I've been studying (or at least trying to) so that I can go out relatively guilt free...until the calories I'm drinking haunts me.  It's already haunting me, actually.  I don't know what I'm going to drink yet, but definitely not beer and definitely not a frilly drink with lots of calories.  It think the skinny girl margarita thing would be awesome because the whole bottle is 400 calories, and I probably wouldn't drink all that...or maybe some straight vodka?  Decisions decisions.

I've also been really home sick lately.  Normally I'm fine for a while, but I think school is just really getting to me.  I can't even begin to express how much I wish Thanksgiving was this week because I look that holiday.  The food I could do without, but I'm not a big turkey person anyway.  But I loooove seeing extended family!  We're going to Chicago, as usual, this year to see grandparents, cousins, etc., and I'm dying to go downtown and see the lights and holiday decorations.  What a beautiful time of year.  I hope I can just lose another ten pounds at least by then.  It's only, what, three and a half weeks away?  That's not too bad!  I'm going to be starting a countdown...starting tomorrow once I count the days in my planner.

All Nighter

Okay, so I'm likely pulling an all nighter tonight for this fucking exam tomorrow morning...but whatever.  The whole not eating thing kind of leads to insomnia anyway, so I'm not really expecting this to be particularly difficult.  Sadly, I ate nearly 1200 calories today, which is terrible!  I was craving candy kind of badly, but at least it wasn't an actual binge.  And considering the number, I should technically still lose weight or at least maintain, right?

I haven't decided what my game plan is this weekend yet.  I'd like to go out and enjoy myself, but I also refuse to binge or drunk eat.  The calories in alcohol always worries me, too, so I generally restrict myself to one night of "going out."  I just don't know what to do!!!!  I have all day tomorrow to figure this out, though, and as long as I just eat less...

Anyway, going to continue delaying studying for a little while longer before launching into quantum mechanics again...joy.

Come on Funny Things to Ponder, don't be dumb

Today:  spilled a 24 oz coffee in a computer lab so I spent a good ten minutes running between the bathroom and the lab with paper towels.  Sometimes I amaze myself with how smooth and graceful I can be.  Ironically, a girl came in two hours later and was like, "Wow, it smells really good in here today."  I told her, "Your welcome," because my pumpkin coffee spill contributed something positive to the freezing basement computer lab.  I'm such a good person...a good, graceful, smooth person...

I have one exam down and one hell of an exam to go.  I just can't wait until I can go out on Friday night because then I will be stress free.  I'm about to continue studying, but I wanted to mention something first.  I don't know if you have ever noticed, but I have a little gadget about "Funny Things to Ponder" at the bottom of my blog.  Well, today's when I looked was this:

If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?


Now, I personally thought that was dumb because the answer is OBVIOUS.  Clearly the thinking monkey forgot one important detail about this.  Sunglasses shield the eyes from the sun, so of course, if you're blind, it's kind of funny to wear them.  (I don't know how it feels to be blind, though, so maybe the sun bothers them, too).  BUT, ear muffs aren't supposed to protect the ears from noise; it's for the cold.  So unless deaf people (and I'm half deaf...right ear doesn't work anymore...damn ear infections) are numb on on the outside of their ears then they would wear ear muffs, too.  Am I just missing something with this whole thing?  I mean, ear muffs are those fuzzy things you wear when it's cold out and you don't want to wear a hat that messes up your hair, yes?  Soooo deaf people don't get cold ears or something?  Dumb thing to ponder...thoughts?

School sucks, yeah? But hey, I'm losing weight!

Alright, so here I am being a diligent student, finally studying for my history exam tomorrow.  I've been so focused on the stupid quantum mechanics exam that I have on Friday that I've kind of put colonial latin america on the back burner...plus, that exam won't be so bad.  Basically, I'll be looking over things tomorrow preparing myself to properly bullshit an essay about the Aztecs.  I'm a good writer when it comes to formal essays, so I am basically just banking on that to get me by.  And let's be honest:  history?  Just not that stressful of a subject.  (not to mention I also have lots of homework due tomorrow)


My game plan is to get through my early classes, finish my assignment, and then head to Panera to study for a few hours before my exam.  I will be drinking lots of black coffee, munching on some sort of muffin, and then hopefully passing my test.  Then, it's back to even more studying...lovely.  What a great way to spend a Wednesday.  Next weekend cannot come soon enough, I swear, but at least being so busy makes this week fly by.  All my weeks do because I have so much going on, but seriously, this week from hell is going lightning speed.

P.S.  I bought a pair of skinny jeans yesterday!!!!!  Let me just say that again so you can read it twice:  I bought a pair of SKINNY jeans yesterday!!!!!  You caught that, right?  Skinny jeans?  As in, not baggy or hiding my legs, but actually fitting them slimly from hip to ankle?  They actually look good because they're a good length, bunching slightly at my ankle, a dark blue color, and fit my bubble butt.  They're relatively high waisted, so no muffin top going on, and I don't have to worry when I bend over.  Of course, I wear long shirts with them but still.  And I can put on my brown riding boots, which is excellent.  So I was pretty pumped about my random purchase yesterday and the single pair of jeans I tried on in the dressing room, thinking that there was no way in hell they'd fit.  Also, all my clothes from when I was skinniest are about 5 pounds from fitting how I like them to.  Sure, I can squeeze into them, but I don't like things to be so tight.  I haven't stepped on the scale (don't plan to because the number will depress me no matter what), but I like to eyeball my weight.  My mom will be proud...I'm even kind of proud.

Forgot a title again...well, I did, until I edited it with this "title"

Okay, so I'm relatively proud of myself for not doing anything overly harmful yesterday.  I had a pumpkin muffie at Panera, lots of black coffee, several diet root beers, a lean cuisine, and pb m&ms, which kept me under 1000.  Obviously, I'd rather stay less than that and my goal is around 500 today, but I've been losing weight without having my sole focus be eating as little as possible.  Of course, when I say that, it still consumes my mind, and I've been eating very little.  I know that I tend to binge when I feel deprived of something, so pb m&ms or something else sweet have become a daily addition to my intake, and while it adds a little bit of calories to my day, it prevents a break in my personal diet plan so I've been losing more weight and successfully keeping it off.  It's also helped my mind not think about all the foods I can't have and thinking more about what small treat I want to nibble on for hours during the day.  I eat my m&ms in three bites, starbursts in four, etc., so when I say it takes hours to eat, I mean it.

I have a shit ton of homework that I have to do this week, including two written assignments for chemistry, a history exam, and a chemistry exam (which is going to be the death of me).  Fortunately, it will all be over by Halloween but this week is going to be rough.  And I know that I pissed off my roommate on Saturday night.  I had a bit of a panic attack when we were at one of the bars and left.  It's frustrating for me sometimes to be around so many people and feel like they're either looking at me because I'm a freak or ignoring me.  I don't know which is worse, to be honest.  A few guys hit on me, and one of the guys we were with, would then pull me away and pretend to be my boyfriend.  But moving on, I just felt flustered, paranoid, and couldn't calm down inside, so I begged my roommate to let me walk home alone.  She finally relented, clearly irritated, but she didn't say anything about it yesterday.  So when I got home, I unfortunately binged a little and then...well let's just say it was difficult to walk yesterday, and I wrapped my arms eventually because the fabric of my sweater was really painful.  Lots of neosporin later, I'm feeling much better and not in so much pain.   That probably won't last...but it's nice to be able to walk without cringing for a day. 

I think I was being overly sensitive yesterday because my roommate is talking to me again today and we're going out tonight.  I bought chardonnay (delicious) to drink tonight; white wine is good for you.  We went shopping a little bit to look around for things to wear, but of course, nothing fit me....well, that's kind of a lie.  Things fit me, but I just don't like how I looked in the clothing.  Without a car, I have to go to the only two available stores on my college campus, and they are filled with the kind of clothing that just isn't good for my body.  It tried on larges in everything, and it was all too big.  I knew it would be, but for some reason I just can't pick up a medium.  It's a mental thing, maybe.  I'm afraid that if I try on a medium, it will be way too small.  But logically, since the larges were way too big...whatever.

So I'm probably just going to wear pants, a sweater, a scarf...my usual.  I have to cover every inch of skin I have for some unknown reason.  I mean, I can't wear short sleeves for obvious reasons, but my legs are just hideous, so naturally, I can't wear a skirt or dress unless I have on tights as well.  I prefer to wear jeans that are stretched out so that no one can see my form, and oversized sweaters are excellent.  I feel so exposed if I only have on one layer of clothing.  And while I get compliments on my clothes and outfits during the day, my friends (the few that I have) don't like it when I wear such conservative clothing to bars.  They say that's why I don't get hit on, but I think the reason I don't get hit on is because I unconsciously give off this, "Stay the fuck away from me," vibe.  I do have a tendency to assume every guy at a bar is a creep because they're at a bar...which is ridiculous because so am I.  So I continue to look down on them as I sip my chardonnay or kettle one and wonder why no decent guy is hitting on me.  I'm such a hypocrite sometimes.

And I'm sorry about the whole razor thing.  I really do wish I could stop that, but it's already sitting beside me because I feel like such a fuck up right now.  I'll try not to mention it too much so that you don't feel the need to worry, but I'd like to thank you for all your support regardless.  I'll definitely let you know if I need someone to talk to.  Because I can't tell anyone around me since once the cat's out of the bag you can't stuff it back in, but it would be nice just to have someone to confide in.

xoxo

Friendless

I feel like I have no friends.  There are people that I talk to, joke around with, see during the day...but when it comes down to actual friends, I have almost none.  My one friend is out of town this weekend, and now I don't know who to turn to.  Even my roommate doesn't seem to want to hang out with me.  I don't blame her, though, because truthfully, I don't even want to hang out with me.  It really sucks that I'm stuck with myself.

So my weekend has been reduced to one of work, studying (or staring at a book confusedly for a few hours), and practicing self destruction.  Speaking of which, I was perusing cvs because I needed contact solution, and I was going to look for something to snake our shower drain.  There wasn't anything there for the latter, but the aisle coincidentally had something that looked suspiciously like an exacto blade.  Naturally, that peaked my interest, and I found single razor blades next to it.  I bought them.  This was probably both a good and bad idea...it's definitely better than a knife but it cuts skin much easier so I should be somewhat careful.  I've just been sitting at my computer, listening to soft music with a tiny light on my desk, playing with this little baby blade, and staring as red just slowly seeps upwards.  It's oddly (and morbidly) fascinating.  I sound so creepy right now...

What's especially odd about me is the fact that I don't seem like the type to do this.  My coworkers always say I look like a fashion major, waltzing around in my sweaters, lacey garments, elaborate necklaces, and fancy scarves.  I laugh loudly, make sarcastic jokes, study my ass off, and act like a "classy" (not my own words) college girl.  And then I turn around, start cutting myself, still starving, sometimes bingeing and purging, abusing laxatives, diet pills, diuretics, sometimes ipecac...I don't even know who I am anymore.  Which person is real?  The one who acts (pretends?) cheerful and like she loves life or the one who spills her feelings on this blog, in journals, and in poems?  This is what I feel and it seems real, but...I'm just lost.