Too early for life...

It's not even 7am (although it will be by the time I finish typing this), and I'm awake and irritated.  I awoke about 40 minutes ago, washed my face, put in my contacts (which promptly burned my dry eyes), and did my makeup.  Unfortunately, something was wrong with one of my contacts, so I had to take it out, which ruined my makeup and caused me to rewash my face and redo my makeup.  I'm going for a much cleaner look today, with just mascara and foundation, blush, etc., because I don't want to look like the living dead.  I feel sorry for all you people who have to get up this early every day...I'm spoiled now, I guess, not having class until 8:30am.  But in college, that's still early.

Anyway, I have this assignment for one of my classes that's due today, and even though I've spent hours working on it already, I'm still not done.  That's the reason why I'm up before the sun, pondering how much caffeine I'll be drinking today, and supplying you with a mini rant/complaint.  I just want to get this thing done!

I'll update tomorrow with something more interesting...at least my eyelashes look good today...

Sick

I've already come down with a cold, and it's not even October.  I'm guessing the reason behind my illness is my recent penchant for drinking myself into oblivion and seriously reducing the efficiency of my immune system.  But despite that and despite the discomfort I am currently experiencing, I am secretly relishing in my misery.  I refuse to take any cold medicine, with the exception of cough drops, and I'm not nearly drinking enough water because it hurts to swallow.  But I like feeling like my head is going to explode from congestion, and I enjoy having my throat hurt for a reason other than my fingers deciding to probe it for my own masochistic pleasure.

I guess, although this isn't a surprise, I just like being in pain, and I'm not sure why.  Part of it, I believe, is because it keeps me grounded and focused on the fact that I am alive.  Sometimes I get so caught up in my own fantasy land, struggling to find the differences between my dreams and reality (literally, I confuse them), that it helps to feel something and keep me aware of my physicality.  Maybe that's strange, but I can't help it.  It reminds me of how sometimes I refuse to go to sleep for the sole reason that it will make me feel unbelievably crummy...and no other reason except maybe to delay the following day.  It helps me to concentrate on something other than self starvation or self induced stomach ejection, putting those on the back burner while I focus on another pain.

And some guy told me today he liked how I was laid back and not crazy like other girls...ironic.  At least I keep all my stress and torture inside because it's nice to not appear insane.

Update

So I decided to go out twice this past weekend, and ended up purging for the first time in over a week.  I was so proud that I had made it such a long time without doing it, but in my drunken state I binged and purged...felt like death the next day.  And I did it again yesterday before going out.  My throat is killing me, but I think it's the combination of the purging and a possible cold coming on.  My nose is also stuffy, and my throat is really swollen.

I just wish that I could stop being such a freak and get over my problem.  Every time I turn around, there is some tv show about some girl with an eating disorder, and the people around me all make fun of it or think, "How could someone do that?"  But my entire self worth is based on how I look.  My mom tells me that the best way for me to get a job when I graduate would be to lose ten pounds because then apparently my "beauty is almost overwhelming."  WTF?!  And then she turns around and tells me that I need to do some "soul searching" and not place all my value on how much I weigh...will she just make up her mind?!

It's frustrating trying to figure out my life and the point of it all when she says things like that.  I feel like I can't figure it out on my own or else I would have already, but what else can I do?

Poems!

I wrote several poems last night while I couldn't sleep sooo I'm posting two of them.  They came to me without much thought...maybe insomnia should be my new muse.  Enjoy:


1
the shadows passing in the evening light,
the moon creeping in to take the night.
the face appears to haunt your dreams,
to laugh and mock your habitual sleep.
the devilish sound, it reaches your ears,
stealing your bliss to awaken your tears.
gone is your rest and lost is your peace
til the breaking dawn ends the devilish feast.


2
the sunlight beats down from an open sky,
burning my skin while i refuse to cry.
i curl inward to ignore blatant pain,
pretending i'm calm, still somewhat sane.
but the voices don't stop screaming inside.
i'm the one thing from which i can't hide.
i'd like to tame this self made dark beast,
but i doubt i will ever know such release.
it does not do to dwell on these dreams
when a dream is all and all it will be.

It's a sign...

So I didn't write any poems today, but I probably will tomorrow between classes.  But when I got home from work and exercising, I began bingeing on chex mix and tic tacs?  Ugh...lame.  I should still be under 1500 calories, so at least my past two days of bingeing haven't been detrimental...but I'm obviously not pleased.

Fortunately, I have classes tomorrow, so that should take up a lot of my time.  I'm about to go to bed since I'm so tired from not sleeping last night.  I was plagued by strange nightmares; my mind can be very creative sometimes.  There was actually an albino tarantula in my nightmares...so strange.

But the reason I titled this quick post ("quick" because I need to go to sleep) what I did is because the power is out in most of my city, and the UDF around the corner was closed.  That meant that my sudden chocolate craving could not be satiated, preventing my progressing binge from getting out of hand.  I think that the power outage was therefore a sign that I shouldn't be bingeing...I just hope power comes back on soon because I want to be able to purchase coffee places.  Somehow my apartment still has electricity and everything; it's very fortunate.

So goodnight ladies, keep up the good work, and I will report on my adventures in more detail tomorrow...and maybe there will actually be a poem!

Awww I love you all!

I just wanted to say how much I love getting comments, and it was nice to know that you were glad I posted again.  I just assumed people would have forgotten about me, but it made me smile to see I was wrong.  I've been in a lot better of a mood lately, which will probably be obvious in my posts.  I think they were getting more depressing by the day this summer, and I can't even reread them.  Sometimes it's a little frightening how dark my thoughts turn.

Sadly, however, I binged on fiber one bars a few hours ago?  Granted, I still consumed less than 1500 calories, which is considered a normal amount I think for people.  So hopefully I won't have logically gained weight, but the fiber one bars are going to destroy my stomach...which is why I haven't gone to sleep yet.  I'm a little nervous about how terrible I'm going to feel tomorrow as a result.  I need to work, drink tons of coffee (and maybe a red bull because I really want one right now), and then work out.  No margaritas tomorrow for me, as I had originally planned, especially because the guy I've liked forever will be in town this weekend.  I'd like to look pretty for him!

I think I'm going to distract myself tomorrow at work by writing some poems and perhaps bring my computer with me.  If I come up with a really good one (that isn't ridiculously depressing...although it most likely will be...can't help it!), then I'll post it.

Okay okay I'm back

Sorry for my obnoxiously long absence.  I really can't explain it, but now I have sooo much to update you on.

I finally moved into a new apartment a week ago, and my college classes start this week.  It's been really nice being at school with friends, and I hope my social life will improve greatly this year.  I've gone out a few times now, and let's just say I need to redeem myself one of these days.  My game plan each night?  Waking up in my own bed...fail...but at least I had a lot of fun.

I'm munching on a fiber one bar, the first thing I've eaten today.  I worked out earlier for over an hour and burned 602 calories on the elliptical before doing some crunches.  I'm hoping that if I do really well during the week (not eating much and working out a lot), then I won't be hindered too much by my drinking excursions on the weekends.  At least not eating too much makes it so you don't have to drink as much for it to affect you!  Of course...then I make poor decisions haha