FML

Lovely, I binged today...at least I was on the elliptical for two hours and burned 1230 calories.  I am still in semi shock I was able to work out that long, but honestly it was probably because I had way too much fucking sugar.  I have a new game plan for tomorrow, though:  take a diet pill bright and early, drink a sugar free red bull, and work out on the elliptical for at least one hour.  Then I will come home, shower, study, take my exam, drink lots of coffee and finish out the rest of my day.  I think I will be living off of coffee and pickles for the next few days now...oh well.

Oh and the guy I like is coming up tomorrow :)

"I hate my face" True Life

 I was watching True Life last night, the one called “I hate my face,” and not gonna lie, I thought the girls were nuts.  Feeling so upset and depressed that you have to get several plastic surgery operations to supposedly make yourself feel better (when clearly it’s an underlying problem) is so shocking to me.  Then I realized the complete irony of the situation.  How am I acting much differently?

Of course, my revelation is not going to chance my actions because the effect of the program was very short lived, not to mention I still refuse to believe I have a deep problem anyway, but it was still interesting to see other people thinking in ways similar to myself.  Those girls, however, will have less long term problems most likely since they aren’t slowly destroying their organs, but their ways of handling issues are much more blatant.  Obviously going under the knife is not very subtle.  Plus, I feel like faces are not something you can really change like your body.  A fat body reflects a lack of discipline and self control, so I can't help but feel hating your body is not the same as hating your face.  I like to think I’m not that screwed up like that, but I’m sure if other people found out what I do they would think I was nuts as well.  I’d prefer to keep living under the illusion that I’m normal though.

On a positive note, though, about this date!  I’m not sure exactly what we’re going to do, but I think play tennis and then dinner?  I’m trying not to think about dinner…it’s possible he remembers about my little eating problem since it was kind of a thing in high school but perhaps not.  I can’t decide if I want him to remember or not…guess I’ll find out eventually.  But I’m really excited for our date because we’ve been talking about it for weeks.  He goes to a different college than me so I haven’t really seen him in a few years.  I’ll keep you updated on how it goes, and what should I wear?!  I have cute tennis outfits since that was my sport in high school but still…

Oh and Holly, you are SO right…even though I have a fake, it’s still the principle of the thing!  Why do I have to wait two more months??? Stupid drinking age…

            

A little better

I finally decided to be social yesterday.  I had part of a muffin and four marshmallows (delicious day, I know) before deciding to go out for once.  I'm only 20, but I have a fake i.d.  I get nervous about using it because I'm always worried I'll be rejected from the bars.  The girl on the i.d. is really blonde, and I have light brown hair.  It hasn't failed me yet somehow, but I was still nervous.  In the end, a few of my friends and I bought some wine, drinking it while watching comedy central, before heading out to our first bar.  It was pouring rain outside, and my jeans were soaked...not ideal conditions.  (Fortunately, I had an umbrella).  The first bar we went to was pretty relaxing and a small gem hidden from the main road.  The liquor was cheap, which made me happy, and we managed to grab a little table.  I think we stayed there for about an hour before deciding to head to another more crowded bar.  It is known for being really strict with i.d.'s, but I've already been there twice somehow?  Last time, the guy at the door grilled me on the information on my i.d. and knew it obviously wasn't me even know he let me in.  This time, however, the guy looked at it, told me to smile for him (which I did), and then he let me in.  One of my friends asked me, "Did he seriously just ask you to smile for him?"  Yes, yes he did.  Sadly, there wasn't anyone we knew there, which was unusual, so we only stayed a few minutes before traipsing down the river, er, sidewalk, to another bar.  This one brought us a whole bunch of creepers, so when a guy came up, hiccupping, appearing as if he were about to vomit on us, inviting us to his party with free beer even though I insisted I'm a strictly liquor girl, and hand wandering to forbidden places, we decided to leave.

At first glance, it seems like the night was a bust, but somehow we still had a lot of fun.  I think watching and making fun of all the weird people while we were drunkenly wandering about made our night.  There are certainly some pretty interesting people in a big city.  I think one of my favorite past times is people watching, and my friends and I watch people and make up stories for why they are doing such ridiculous things.  We're very sarcastic, and I'm sure other people find it difficult to tell if we're being funny or mean...most of the time we're kidding, but every once in a while you get the creepy people who can't tell that you're making fun of them instead of flirting.  I don't want to sound like a mean person because I'm not, but when a creepy dude walks up to you and fails miserably with his pick up lines, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, right?  I'm sure these guys get lots of rejection anyway, and half the time I swear they're so drunk they won't remember in the morning anyway.  But I have a bad habit of assuming a guy is sketchy in a bar, even though I'm there, too.  It's a double standard I can't make myself get over, but I figure it's better to be safe than sorry...

Besides, guess who has a date on Thursday???  Gotta make sure I lose more weight before then...five pounds would be spectacular.  I feel like this is possible.  How were your weekends?

Trying to be more positive?

Honestly, I'm not really feeling much better about myself.  It's hard to tell if my feelings about my obesity are justified or not, especially after a woman I work with told me that she felt I was looking "too thin."  Okay, sure I don't eat at all when I'm there, but I'm definitely not too thin.  Plus, I'm the same size I've been since I lose weight and then binge, gaining it back.  And I was terrified to be put on the spot, hoping I don't ruin my chances for an internship this summer.  I guess I will just have to make up better excuses for not eating and start wearing baggy clothes and scarves.  The main thing she noted was that my collar bones stuck out...but you don't have to be skinny for that to happen.  I think that's more genetic maybe, but scarves are going to be my new favorite thing regardless.  I already love them anyway...

Also, a man on a public bus launched into a whole spiel about how beautiful my eyes were today.  He was staring at them, confused about what color they were, but how they matched my turquoise sweater.  I informed him that they were green and was a bit uncomfortable with him staring at my eyes so blatantly.  Said man (I can't remember his name) told me that I made his day and that he took care to always look for beautiful things.  He asked me if I got that a lot, and I admittedly told him yes.  (It embarrasses me every time people compliment me, most likely because I disagree with them.)  Then he got off at his bus stop.  I'm still not sure if I should be flattered or creeped out.  Sure there are always those random people on the street that stare as you walk by, but that's because they're all perverts and have nothing better to do with their time.  The guy, though, did make me feel slightly better about myself because I felt like my eyelashes weren't cooperating with me today.  They're kind of long and sometimes clump up more than I want, like this morning.  Fortunately, though, the guy seemed to be genuinely complimenting me with no intention of stalking or getting my number or anything since he was preparing to get off the bus...not to mention I'm a 20 year old college student and he is maybe a janitor?

And I have one more thing to tell you...do not see Back Up Plan.  It was kind of painful.  I saw it tonight with my roommate, and she thought it was cute, I disagreed.  There were a few scenes that were touching or comical, but they were drowned out by all the painful humor that directors apparently thought was funny?  I am very critical of movies, though, because I detest anything cheesy but still.  On the positive side, however, Jennifer Lopez is great thinspo.  I was very inspired when she was working out and strutting around in cute outfits with her petite frame.  She's definitely gotten skinnier as she's gotten older, and her stomach was so flat.  So if you want to watch a movie that is extremely painful but leave the theater with newfound motivation and the intention to never have children, then this is the movie for you.

Now I'm going to go to bed so I don't eat anything.  I've lost a few pounds, and I should be seeing a certain boy in a week (so gotta look good!).  Maybe I'll have a positive outlook tomorrow, but I'm trying not to let my depression seep its way into all of my posts.  Perhaps if I pretend to be happier for long enough, I will actually think I am...

Still Waiting

I don't know how long I'm going to be stuck in this depressing rut, but I can't seem to overcome it right now.  I'm hoping that once I lose some weight I will feel a little better.  I'm a little afraid of the fact that I'll be living alone this summer because I will either lose weight, gain weight, or die.  Logically, it will be one of the three.  But my habits worry me sometimes because what if I do something that causes me to pass out or have a heart attack or choke?  No one would find me for a long time, and by then, it would be too late.  It's funny that I'm not worried about someone else breaking into the apartment.  Other people don't scare me.  The only person who scares me is me, and I can never escape myself as hard as I try.

[Sigh]

I didn't feel any better today even though I lost three pounds.  I can feel the fat all around my body, and it just doesn't even feel like me.  I went to the bathroom while at work today, looked in the mirror, and nearly cried.  My eyes teared up, and I fell forward throwing my head towards my knees.  I felt like I was going to crumple in a heap of fat on the bathroom floor, and I haven't felt this miserable in a long time.  It was such a strange feeling, standing there by myself, and seeing the figure staring back at me in the mirror.  I felt as though I was looking at a stranger.  Honestly, I've never had a full grasp on myself, and I've never really felt like the girl in the mirror was ever me.  The sad thing is, I love her face.  It's beautiful.  It's really too bad it's ruined by the large body attached to it.

And on top of all that emotion, I was overwhelmed with a sudden desire for a suicide mission.  I'm over that now at the moment, but it was such a strong yearning that I'm still scared of it.  Sometimes it's hard to see the point in living when I'm this large.  I'd rather die thin than live fat, and it's hard for me to see how I can survive looking like this.  I just feel like a waste of space that's taking up way too much room in this world, and I don't deserve it.  I shouldn't be so gluttonous, I shouldn't even eat at all, and I shouldn't allow a smile to pass my face.  I wish I could just lose this weight so I don't feel as much like I'm wasting my life.  But is there even a point in life?  I don't see it.  Someone tell me there's something worth waiting for.

Sorry

I'm sorry I've been so distant and sporadic with my posts lately, but I've just really been feeling depressed...more so than usual.  It's not so much that I feel sad but completely lost.  It isn't a feeling that I'm used to, and it's rather unnerving.  The source for this, I believe, is that I haven't been as controlled with my eating.  There's a pattern in my life:  when I lose control of my food intake, I feel like I've lost control of my life.  It's really not an unreasonable feeling, but it affects me in such a huge way.  Without order, I feel as though my life is in complete chaos.  And even though I've cleaned my room, it is not the right kind of organization that I'm seeking.  The only way to cure my current predicament is to lost ten pounds.  I really need to break through that stupid "145".  I can lose weight so quickly, dropping ten pounds in a snap, but then I put a few more back on and end up close to where I started.  I've only gained about five pounds back, which other people probably don't even notice, but it's all I see and all I feel.  It needs to go.

I'll keep you updated on my progress, and in three days exactly (because that is my goal), I will be back to a good weight.