(Sigh) Fail

First off, thanks for all your wonderful input.  The color scheme is definitely staying the same because I think it's easy on the eyes and I'm definitely not a big fan of over decoration.  So I'll just brainstorm some subtle touches and finessing this weekend to make everything a little nicer, while staying simple.

Secondly, my first day of liquid fast was a failure.  I didn't eat much, and to be honest, I wasn't really feeling the fast 100 percent.  I caved at work and had sushi for lunch...it's nice that I crave sushi every time I work.  I mean, let's be honest, if you're going to crave something to eat then isn't it nice when it's healthy, less than 250 calories, and filled with protein?  Thank god I'm a sushi whore.  I'll never get sick of it since we have four different kinds anyway.  And none of them have cream cheese or other ridiculously fattening additives...I know the calorie counts anyway.

And I have a story for you about work today, but I think I should put it off until tomorrow so this post isn't obnoxiously long.  It's just kind of a funny anecdote.  But on another side note, has everyone decided what to be for Halloween yet?  I don't want to dress slutty since I like to cover my body completely in my self conscious way, but I'm thinking about being Spongebob.  I need a red tie, a Spongebob t shirt, brown trouser shorts, white knee socks...okay so everything required for the costume. My roommate wants to be the three little pigs and have someone be a wolf, which is a fantastic idea.  That would be a different night, but I'll have to find something that has long sleeves without getting her disapproval.  She hates that I wear sweaters out and refuse to take them off, but I officially can't wear short sleeves considering the state of my arms.  I do have a long sleeve petal pink shirt...hmmm...

What are you being?  I'd love to hear!!!!

Sprucing

I feel like my blog needs a little decoration, but I don't know what yet.  If anyone has idea, feel free to let me know!  I won't be changing anything for a while since I'm so swamped by all my homework and things, but it's in the back of mind nonetheless.

Also, I'm starting a fast tomorrow for a week, but to be honest it's probably going to quickly turn into a liquid fast.  This is for several reasons:  1) it's easier to continue for a long time, 2) your metabolism stays up a little longer, and 3) there's a 99 percent chance I'll be drinking this weekend.  I feel like those are all quality reasons, and it's hard for me to be at work in a coffee shop for hours and hours at a time without eating anything.  It's just so tempting, especially the sushi, but if I have a soy latte then I should be fine.

Oh and I'm going to wear my new sweater tomorrow!  I'm very excited about this...maybe a hot med student will like it and flirt with me.  Maybe they flirt anyway, but I'm oblivious.  And I'm frequently told that even when I like a guy I don't make it seem like I do.  My mom continues to tell me that I need to "throw them a bone," but I don't like putting myself out there like that.  It makes me feel vulnerable, and I don't want to look desperate or pathetic.  No wonder I'm still single...

Shopping sucks

I love clothes and shopping and everything, but I have to say it can be extremely irritating sometimes.  When I went with my mom (it was a great day, by the way), I couldn't find anything.  I did find one random sweater, but considering how many things I tried on and how many stores we explored...maybe I just have a strange body type.  I have a very tiny waist, which is the only part of me that I'm proud of when it comes to my body, but I also have a good sized chest (C cups) and a "bubble" butt.  And while guys supposedly like that, and maybe I wouldn't care so much if I was smaller as a whole, but clothes are never made for the hourglass figure.  Sure, they claim to be, but they're totally not.  If the apparel fits my butt, then it's too big in the legs or huge on my waist.  And if the sweater or shirt fits my chest, the rest of it is really baggy...obnoxiously so.  Or things are just too short.  I'm 5'7", which isn't super tall, but I prefer my shirts to be a bit longer anyway.

(Sigh) I guess tailoring is the thing for me, but who wants to buy something and have it not fit at the time of purchase???  The only two items that I fell in love with were a red hat with a giant black bow on it and a gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous!, faux fur coat.  The hat was amazing because it was a little bigger on my head, which I like since I'm a big fan of teasing my hair, so it kind of naturally creates that effect by just being a larger hat.  And the coat was just...I can't even put it in words.  Sadly, they were just too expensive.  The hat was well within my budget range, but I wasn't going to spend that amount for a hat. A sweater?  Sure.  Pants?  Shit yes.  A hat?  Hell no...tempting, though.  I'd also love another pair of boots, but I feel like good ones are hard to find because I like when there's a lot of space between the boot and my calf.  I have big calves...okay, I just have big everything and wish I didn't.  One day...one day...

Day with my mom

Today is finally the day I get to hang out with my mom!  It's only been a month since I last saw her, but I'm excited anyway.  We're very close (although she's knows nothing about my, um, self destructive habits), and I think it will be a great day.  Also, I've been losing a decent amount of weight (don't want to jinx it so knocking on wood...and hoping my desk is legit wood and not fake paint), so I look okay.  Sadly, my straightener broke this morning, but I have naturally straight hair so it's not devastating.  Aaaand I got acrylic nails yesterday with one of my friends, and they look very pretty.  I'm a nail biter, so I was sick of having ugly hands and nails.  They're currently painted a deep purple, which suits me perfectly.  I'm a big fan.

And I also have a little update on what apparently went on last weekend when I was blacked out and wasted out of my mind.  Apparently, I made out with a coworker?  And not only that...it was a girl.  In my defense, she started it and tried to kiss another girl, too, but I was so drunk that we just went at it.  Afterwards was when I face planted and probably became more of a wreck.  Fortunately, I didn't actually get sick until I was home, which explains why none of my coworkers mentioned it (thank god!)  At first, when I heard this story, I was horrified, but then I quickly got over it and realized it's just kind of funny.  I feel like when girls make out, it isn't really a big deal.  Neither one of us swing that way (it's fine if people do, of course), and we were just wasted.  Besides, guys find it a turn on sometimes anyway...It's funny that I had an odd feeling in the back of my mind and glimpses in my dreams this past week of making out with her, but I pushed it back and just thought my mind was going crazy.  I guess my subconscious remembered.  Good thing, too, that this other girl I work with informed me that I was hilarious, and she had a blast and "soooo much fun" playing beer pong with me that night.  Phew!  I was worried I made a complete idiot out of myself, but if I was entertaining in a positive way then I did my job!

Likely going out tonight, too, but my game plan is to not black out, to not drunkenly eat (which I succeeded last weekend in that arena), and to wake up in my own bed again.  Wish me luck!  Oh, and not get sick...I do work tomorrow, after all.

Ironic

I have a little funny anecdote from today, if you want to call it that.  So I was at work, in my little cafe, and a rather cute medical student came to buy some coffee.  He's one of our regular customers and was feeling chatty, asking how my coworker and I were doing.  She said great, and I gave one of those little (adorable, ahem) grunts.  If I've never mentioned it, I'm a chemistry major (Note:  anyone with the option...don't choose chemistry as your major...it sucks) so I have a ton of homework, stress, and projects to worry about, all which fry my brain.  And unfortunately, most of the work that weighs down on me is weekly, so as soon as I finish one assignment, the next is already being assigned.  It's never ending.

Anyway, he laughed (cutely), and joked for a while as I got his coffee.  But one of the things that he said is why I titled this entry "ironic."  He glanced at our plastic cutlery and said, "Don't let her near these sharp objects.  Only spoons for her!"  Or something like that.  Now, it was highly amusing, and I definitely laughed...but at the same time, I was inwardly thinking...shit, if only they knew that I already use pointy objects.  Of course, the reason being my self abuse has nothing to do with chemistry, which while I complain about the load of coursework, isn't what actually stresses me out in life.  It's just what I verbally complain about because I'm not going to complain about my self destruction, fatness, etc.  But I thought you would enjoy the story regardless and had to share it.  I wasn't offended by any means...and the guy was cute (which I've mentioned at least three times already).

So hello, Irony.  Thanks for entertaining me today and making my boring life somewhat interesting.

Mama Visit

My mom's coming up on Saturday, and I'm really excited.  We'll probably be going shopping, which usually consists of her trying to dress me to her liking (I swear she thinks I'm a doll sometimes) and me choosing some frilly, romantic looking sweater instead.  Our two style's are completely different, but I admit that she does a pretty good job guessing what I would like anyway.  She's more of a Talbots or Chico's kind of person, like most moms, while I like to dress as a cross between a free spirit and country club girl.  I am obsessed with lace, chunky knits, scarves, long necklaces, and anything gold.  I'm basically covered head to toe with lots of layers, showing absolutely none of my form, which further irritates my mother.  I have that "hour glass" figure, but I like to cover it up...although I am secretly proud that I have a very small waist...too bad I cover it up anyway haha

One thing I'll have to be extra careful about this weekend though is making sure my arms are fully covered at all times.  That's really not a problem for me, considering I'm always wearing a long sleeved sweater and the weather is cooling off, but lately now sleeves have become, not just a preference, but vital.  You might be able to guess why my arms can't be shown to the public, and I'm a little embarrassed about it.  And no, it's not because they're excessively fat (although they are, in my opinion), but people would be a little shunned by the little lines currently littering my forearms.  I feel like I've already been headed down a self destructive path (clearly), and this is just yet another hump that I had to cross.  I don't go very deep because requiring stitches isn't really my goal; it's more just that I feel like I deserve it.  And it's probably more of that dark secret obsession that I seem to have.  It's something I can call my own.

Speaking of which, has anyone noticed that there's going to be a special on eating disorders on E! ?  My roommate was mocking it earlier, and I know that I'm DEFINITELY not going to be around to watch it. I think the word "awkward" doesn't even begin to explain how I would feel if I did watch it, especially with a roommate who doesn't think I have a problem...which is best but yeah, not watching it.

Drunken nights not meant to be remembered

...where to begin...well, I woke up Sunday (morning? afternoon? no idea?) with what I knew to be a horrendous hangover.  I woke up in a pool of my own vomit with unknown substances in my hair on my shirt, and on my sheets.  I felt like death, basically, and as soon as I was able to move I took a shower in an attempt to get clean.  But I didn't do a very good job of it because my stomach began getting queasy again. So afterwards, I removed all of my sheets and hobbled back into my bed, where I laid pathetically for the rest of the night.

I don't know how I managed to get that wasted, but I'm thinking the chugging of the vodka straight out of the bottle had something to do with it?  The beginning of the night was great fun, but I'm just assuming it didn't end well.  Don't really want to know, to be honest.  And my wrists and pinkie finger are killing me, which makes me wonder what the fuck I could've done to them.  Did I crawl around or something?!  Ugh...it's going to be embarrassing running into people I know.

Note to self:  to avoid further embarrassment, do not start chugging random liquors straight out of their containers.  It's generally not a good idea.

But since when does self ever actually take its own advice?